So this is what, the third time the name has changed?
We received some terrible news this week, K~ lost his job. Which means we have no way of moving forward with the adoption at this time. I am heartbroken. K~ is shell shocked. Being that K~ worked at a manufacturing plant for 8 years means that any job he'd get now would be nowhere near the same pay. I only work part-time with no option for full time at my current job. We were stretched as it was, and now this. It's been 4 days now, and it still only hits me about every couple hours, and then I think I must look as though I've been slapped, and all I can think is Oh Shit, what are we going to DO?! It only just hit K~ yesterday, he got the official letter in the mail. My mom thinks we should talk to a lawyer. We're not sure yet.
I was so happy on Monday. I felt good. Things were moving along with the adoption. I was happy on Monday.
Today, today I'm trying to make sure A~ brushes his teeth 2x a day so we don't have to go to the dentist, I was supposed to make an appointment last month but I didn't. I'm glad we got our flu shots. Today, K~ was looking at Realtors online, so we can sell our house and we talked about selling our car.
Luckily Mpls is great this time of year for free family things, we went to the 8th floor Macy's Mary Poppins display, and today we went to FREE first Saturday for Families at the Walker. A~ loved it, even though he kept asking when the gallery tour would be over! Even so, he didn't want to leave. I guess we'll be going there next month too! At least we can find things to take our minds off of the predicament we're in, while entertaining A~. We are terrible playmates these days. I am also thankful for Target's awesome after Christmas sale last year, and the August toy sale they had this summer, because A~ will still be rolling in some pretty cool toys (half of which I don't even remember buying).
We're trying to keep our 'chins up' and trying to think positive. I'm trying to think of a possible move as an adventure. Most of all I'm trying not to think of the adoption gone wrong, but delayed. I tell myself "We'll be okay", because we will eventually be fine. There's still a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Getting into gear
Well, with the changes that have taken place over the last couple weeks, which have yet to be finalized with the holidays making that difficult, we have changed the blog yet again. I feel that this blog is more for those who are going through the same process we are or are starting out, basically it's my place to vent.
This blog is now the 'other side' of our process, if you are interested in only reading about the good bits, please view our new improved and vent free blog at Laurnalinh.blogspot.com.
Journey to Laurna is where our friends and family will keep up on progress and fund-raising, but everyone is welcome!
enjoy!
This blog is now the 'other side' of our process, if you are interested in only reading about the good bits, please view our new improved and vent free blog at Laurnalinh.blogspot.com.
Journey to Laurna is where our friends and family will keep up on progress and fund-raising, but everyone is welcome!
enjoy!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Pins and needles
That's how my life has felt the past few weeks.
I almost feel like walking up to people and introducing myself by saying "Hi I AM the CRAZY ADOPTION LADY!". Because that's how I feel. I'm sure my husband would agree. His eyes glaze over frequently when talking to me, or more like when I'm talking AT him. It'd be funny if it wasn't so NOT funny. I often wonder to myself was it my mission in life to be in odd situations in which I am perpetually explaining why I am doing X-Y-Z? Hmmm....
Okay, see I'm trying to be upbeat. I was going to be all squishy and gooshy, or make an effort. I just can't I'm sorry. I'm not that person. I mean I am that person usually, on a day to day basis. I am not all doom and gloom. I just really get upset when I see people taking advantage of other's misfortune, or fortune, depending on the occasion.
For instance, when we got married I did all of the work, I delegated some of it to K-, but by and large it was all me. Why? Well I wanted a wedding that was about us, and special and one that would be within our meager budget. I bought the magazines and read them through 2 times each, I clipped, I called places to have our wedding. When I mentioned it's a wedding they'd tack on hundreds, plus add on extras for catering and this and that, it was ridiculous! Then invitations, well, for a wedding they're a lot more! (has to be special and nothing's more special than something that costs twice as much, right?) So, I found a place that didn't charge more for weddings, we had an awesome place in St. Paul where F.Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald, mobsters and '30s movie stars stayed, and an original Art Deco bar, it was perfect. I did all of the invites by hand, we bought flowers at a farmers market, got my dress in the evening gown section at Nordstrom (way prettier than anything I saw at a bridal store) K- rented his tux. I did all of the silk flower arrangements for the tables. I think our wedding turned out great, and it cost under 9 thousand dollars! I had to work my butt off, and luckily I had options, I could choose another place or do things myself.
In adoption you don't have that choice. You can't simply switch. You can't do it yourself. And I personally think they take advantage. So bear with me as I will most likely wrestle with this for our entire adoption and then some. I really really wish there was someone to look out for adoptive parents. An agency that would keep adoption agencies in check, like the FDA for adoptions.
Well to end on a better note, I have received good news and I hope to be able to fill in the blanks soon. I also have been writing a post about faith I've been working on and I hope to post soon.
TTFN...
I almost feel like walking up to people and introducing myself by saying "Hi I AM the CRAZY ADOPTION LADY!". Because that's how I feel. I'm sure my husband would agree. His eyes glaze over frequently when talking to me, or more like when I'm talking AT him. It'd be funny if it wasn't so NOT funny. I often wonder to myself was it my mission in life to be in odd situations in which I am perpetually explaining why I am doing X-Y-Z? Hmmm....
Okay, see I'm trying to be upbeat. I was going to be all squishy and gooshy, or make an effort. I just can't I'm sorry. I'm not that person. I mean I am that person usually, on a day to day basis. I am not all doom and gloom. I just really get upset when I see people taking advantage of other's misfortune, or fortune, depending on the occasion.
For instance, when we got married I did all of the work, I delegated some of it to K-, but by and large it was all me. Why? Well I wanted a wedding that was about us, and special and one that would be within our meager budget. I bought the magazines and read them through 2 times each, I clipped, I called places to have our wedding. When I mentioned it's a wedding they'd tack on hundreds, plus add on extras for catering and this and that, it was ridiculous! Then invitations, well, for a wedding they're a lot more! (has to be special and nothing's more special than something that costs twice as much, right?) So, I found a place that didn't charge more for weddings, we had an awesome place in St. Paul where F.Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald, mobsters and '30s movie stars stayed, and an original Art Deco bar, it was perfect. I did all of the invites by hand, we bought flowers at a farmers market, got my dress in the evening gown section at Nordstrom (way prettier than anything I saw at a bridal store) K- rented his tux. I did all of the silk flower arrangements for the tables. I think our wedding turned out great, and it cost under 9 thousand dollars! I had to work my butt off, and luckily I had options, I could choose another place or do things myself.
In adoption you don't have that choice. You can't simply switch. You can't do it yourself. And I personally think they take advantage. So bear with me as I will most likely wrestle with this for our entire adoption and then some. I really really wish there was someone to look out for adoptive parents. An agency that would keep adoption agencies in check, like the FDA for adoptions.
Well to end on a better note, I have received good news and I hope to be able to fill in the blanks soon. I also have been writing a post about faith I've been working on and I hope to post soon.
TTFN...
Friday, November 17, 2006
Fear and loathing in Minneapolis or...
the one where I write about God.
I'm not one to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, convictions maybe, but faith is much more personal. As many an adoption blogger has said before me, this process tests everything about you. I only recall feeling like this once before in my life; wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over the outcome. That was when we were trying to conceive A-, the only thing I had was faith that somehow after all we had done and were doing that we'd be happy with the outcome. I could not stipulate any terms, I could not reason with anyone to get what I so desperately wanted (not that I didn't try). I had to go on pure faith to keep me together.
I don't go to church much, I believe that God is where you need him, I did pray and have been praying. And I do believe with all of my heart that the only reason I have A- is because I had to give up controlling the outcome.(something I did not relinquish easily) I am struggling with this again, I clearly have control issues, hahaha. There is a feeling that keeps me going, I can't put my finger on it yet, but I think it feels like hope.
I think it's important to have some sort of faith, it does give me hope and may help with the letting go of control part all PAPs have to do.
In my own personal struggle of faith I have found that I have used it as a convenient excuse to not be actively involved in my own life. I call it the 'if it was meant to be' syndrome. I have since found a book that resonates with me, Fearless Living. If anyone has watched daytime TV you may remember Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. The first season was great, but it sort of tanked after that. Anyway, I bought her book and it has helped so much. Now instead of using 'meant to be' to mean I do nothing and pray it was meant to be, allowing my fear to keep me stuck in place, I continue to keep taking steps toward my goal. Knowing now that the only way it could be 'meant to be' is if I find enough value in it to do something. This may sound so simple to many people, but for some reason it was what I needed to hear. My faith in the outcome keeps me from going crazy. There are so many things in this process that scare me and learning to deal with that fear in a way that doesn't stop me from going forward has been one of the things I'm most proud of.
I worry, I come from a long line of worriers. So controlling fear and worry is a very big task!
I'm not one to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, convictions maybe, but faith is much more personal. As many an adoption blogger has said before me, this process tests everything about you. I only recall feeling like this once before in my life; wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over the outcome. That was when we were trying to conceive A-, the only thing I had was faith that somehow after all we had done and were doing that we'd be happy with the outcome. I could not stipulate any terms, I could not reason with anyone to get what I so desperately wanted (not that I didn't try). I had to go on pure faith to keep me together.
I don't go to church much, I believe that God is where you need him, I did pray and have been praying. And I do believe with all of my heart that the only reason I have A- is because I had to give up controlling the outcome.(something I did not relinquish easily) I am struggling with this again, I clearly have control issues, hahaha. There is a feeling that keeps me going, I can't put my finger on it yet, but I think it feels like hope.
I think it's important to have some sort of faith, it does give me hope and may help with the letting go of control part all PAPs have to do.
In my own personal struggle of faith I have found that I have used it as a convenient excuse to not be actively involved in my own life. I call it the 'if it was meant to be' syndrome. I have since found a book that resonates with me, Fearless Living. If anyone has watched daytime TV you may remember Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. The first season was great, but it sort of tanked after that. Anyway, I bought her book and it has helped so much. Now instead of using 'meant to be' to mean I do nothing and pray it was meant to be, allowing my fear to keep me stuck in place, I continue to keep taking steps toward my goal. Knowing now that the only way it could be 'meant to be' is if I find enough value in it to do something. This may sound so simple to many people, but for some reason it was what I needed to hear. My faith in the outcome keeps me from going crazy. There are so many things in this process that scare me and learning to deal with that fear in a way that doesn't stop me from going forward has been one of the things I'm most proud of.
I worry, I come from a long line of worriers. So controlling fear and worry is a very big task!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I've been MIA...
I cannot say anything right now, sorry to be so cagey, but we're in the midst of an upheaval of sorts and it has been well.... Very stressful. I got news this evening that may make most of that stress go away. So keep fingers crossed or pray, whatever it is you do for luck!!
Hopefully there's a good posting in my future....
Hopefully there's a good posting in my future....
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Mmmmm... Cake
WE had Cake for breakfast!!! How about you?
I managed to get him to let me stay in bed until 8am! I thought for sure he'd wake up at 6am all raring to go.
He had so much fun making the cake, it was worth every penny. But FYI, the cake still tastes pretty bad. K- wouldn't even choke down a second 'slice', wimp. A- loved it of course.
Here are a couple pics...
Soooo Serious!
MMMMMM...Chocolate!
I managed to get him to let me stay in bed until 8am! I thought for sure he'd wake up at 6am all raring to go.
He had so much fun making the cake, it was worth every penny. But FYI, the cake still tastes pretty bad. K- wouldn't even choke down a second 'slice', wimp. A- loved it of course.
Here are a couple pics...
Soooo Serious!
MMMMMM...Chocolate!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
What's up with all of the PINK???
Everything is pink these days, and everything is geared towards girls it seems. What ever happened to having a boy be the main character in a cartoon/movie/tv show? All of the Disney movies with boys in them have been put in their (imaginary) vault. So my son loves Cinderella, and KimPossible. They only play TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) like once a week. I used to love that cartoon!
Anyway, back to pink. We got the Target toy thing in the mail and A- was ape over it. Started circling things, the whole bit. He loves space stuff and roller coasters, he also wants an Easy Bake Oven. He loves to cook, we cook all of the time and he's a great helper. I'll admit at first I took pause at the EBO. But it's an oven, and everyone should cook. When I was a kid they were like puke green and brown. (and did you know they no longer cook with a light bulb?) The new ones are now PINK and PINK. I absolutely HATED pink when I was a kid, in fact I only started liking pink about 2 years ago. (wonder if turning 30 had something to do with it?) So I would've hated these new ovens simply for the color. Yeah, they do sell a slimy bake, or messy bake or some sort of gross version for boys, but it's not the same, at least it doesn't look like it. It looks like those gross candy making things where you make eyes and spiders that are disgusting as opposed to tasty. So they assume all girls love pink, and boys only eat things that are absolutely disgusting.
To get even deeper into it: Has anyone ever told these people that by making the easy bake oven appeal only to girls by smothering it in pink they are being sexist? I sort of, no I do, resent that they are saying only women cook to eat, men cook to play. So are they saying in some subliminal way to our daughters that they should cook because it's their duty, but "hey girls look it's fun!"? And has anyone watched those cooking shows lately? Most top chefs are MEN, which is another topic. We're not as evolved as we think.... ;-)
I'm not really all that bent out of shape about it, but I am sick and tired of the toy aisle vomiting pink at me! YUK.
And yes we're adopting a girl, and yes I am preparing myself for the pink invasion. :-O
So here are some incredibly cute pictures of A- with his new Easy Bake oven! He's is going to cook me breakfast tomorrow. Mmmmm, yellow cake with chocolate frosting!
Anyway, back to pink. We got the Target toy thing in the mail and A- was ape over it. Started circling things, the whole bit. He loves space stuff and roller coasters, he also wants an Easy Bake Oven. He loves to cook, we cook all of the time and he's a great helper. I'll admit at first I took pause at the EBO. But it's an oven, and everyone should cook. When I was a kid they were like puke green and brown. (and did you know they no longer cook with a light bulb?) The new ones are now PINK and PINK. I absolutely HATED pink when I was a kid, in fact I only started liking pink about 2 years ago. (wonder if turning 30 had something to do with it?) So I would've hated these new ovens simply for the color. Yeah, they do sell a slimy bake, or messy bake or some sort of gross version for boys, but it's not the same, at least it doesn't look like it. It looks like those gross candy making things where you make eyes and spiders that are disgusting as opposed to tasty. So they assume all girls love pink, and boys only eat things that are absolutely disgusting.
To get even deeper into it: Has anyone ever told these people that by making the easy bake oven appeal only to girls by smothering it in pink they are being sexist? I sort of, no I do, resent that they are saying only women cook to eat, men cook to play. So are they saying in some subliminal way to our daughters that they should cook because it's their duty, but "hey girls look it's fun!"? And has anyone watched those cooking shows lately? Most top chefs are MEN, which is another topic. We're not as evolved as we think.... ;-)
I'm not really all that bent out of shape about it, but I am sick and tired of the toy aisle vomiting pink at me! YUK.
And yes we're adopting a girl, and yes I am preparing myself for the pink invasion. :-O
So here are some incredibly cute pictures of A- with his new Easy Bake oven! He's is going to cook me breakfast tomorrow. Mmmmm, yellow cake with chocolate frosting!
Monday, November 06, 2006
I-600A go-go!
Well, We went and dropped off our I-600A! (AFTER we did we were informed that we could have had 2 agencies listed on it with no extra charge, UGH!)
But We did IT!! We dropped it off in person and then we got our appointment for our fingerprints! In 10 days we will have the I-600A FINISHED!!! WOO-HOOO!!!
Now onto the Dossier....
First, I will revel in the fact that we are past one more hurdle!!
WOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
But We did IT!! We dropped it off in person and then we got our appointment for our fingerprints! In 10 days we will have the I-600A FINISHED!!! WOO-HOOO!!!
Now onto the Dossier....
First, I will revel in the fact that we are past one more hurdle!!
WOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I think I'm getting the hang of this blogging thing
Hi.
Well I'm not a on a soap box today. I got it out of my system, even though it kept me up at night. (thinking of adoption process) Venting is good. It definitely helps. I was reading a past entry about the scarred baby bellies and I should've added a link to it, I have no idea what it was called anymore. But it made me realize that I don't feel that way anymore, about the alienation of women I mean. I have since found wonderful resources in the online groups at Yahoo and Adoption forums, so obviously the "pity" came from the company I kept, not most women. I just wanted to add that, I think it's important to see how my views change as I go through this long process.
On that note here's a synopsis of our process:
That's it in a nutshell...
Well I'm not a on a soap box today. I got it out of my system, even though it kept me up at night. (thinking of adoption process) Venting is good. It definitely helps. I was reading a past entry about the scarred baby bellies and I should've added a link to it, I have no idea what it was called anymore. But it made me realize that I don't feel that way anymore, about the alienation of women I mean. I have since found wonderful resources in the online groups at Yahoo and Adoption forums, so obviously the "pity" came from the company I kept, not most women. I just wanted to add that, I think it's important to see how my views change as I go through this long process.
On that note here's a synopsis of our process:
- July 2004 we decided to think about trying for baby #2.
- August 2004 at an appointment I made as a check-up to talk to my Dr. about trying to conceive after having difficulty with my 1st pregnancy, a benign tumor (the size of a small grapefruit) was discovered on my left ovary. And I wondered why I looked 3 months pregnant all of the time!?
- September 2004 I had my Oophorectomy. (a funny name, you'd think it'd be ovarectomy or something)
- February 2005 we started trying for baby #2.
- April 2006 we started adoption.
- We finished our Homestudy the 3rd week of September.
- We received our Homestudy in the mail this Thursday (11/2)!
- We will hand deliver our I-600A to the USCIS on Monday!
That's it in a nutshell...
Friday, November 03, 2006
I warned you (I'm not happy-go-lucky)
I know that my style may not be what some may expect from someone on this journey of adoption. I may sound silly, or angry, or ungrateful. (I am silly) I am not angry about adopting, I'm not ungrateful for the experience. It's only made me stronger and more empathetic. Occasionally it may make me crazy.
There's a little soul out there somewhere that's ready to put out those little red threads to draw us near, to protect and love her. I know that with every fiber of my being.
My wish is that all of these little souls around the world would be held, loved, and protected in the best possible way. My personal opinion is that the process of adopting these souls should be constantly tweaked, and updated as anyone would do for the most precious things on earth. This is why I get so worked up over things. I am sure that further down the road there will be things I find out that will make the confusion I'm gong thru now make sense. But I don't want to censor my feelings now, because I know I felt better reading the bits a pieces of others' thoughts who were once where I am now. Somehow I didn't feel so lost knowing that someone else had once been lost here too, and they made their way through it all. In fact a few of the bloggers are in VN now with their babies/toddlers!! And others have received the go ahead for travel at the end of this month!! And still others have received their referrals!! It has been a wonderful week, despite how it may sound.
There's a little soul out there somewhere that's ready to put out those little red threads to draw us near, to protect and love her. I know that with every fiber of my being.
My wish is that all of these little souls around the world would be held, loved, and protected in the best possible way. My personal opinion is that the process of adopting these souls should be constantly tweaked, and updated as anyone would do for the most precious things on earth. This is why I get so worked up over things. I am sure that further down the road there will be things I find out that will make the confusion I'm gong thru now make sense. But I don't want to censor my feelings now, because I know I felt better reading the bits a pieces of others' thoughts who were once where I am now. Somehow I didn't feel so lost knowing that someone else had once been lost here too, and they made their way through it all. In fact a few of the bloggers are in VN now with their babies/toddlers!! And others have received the go ahead for travel at the end of this month!! And still others have received their referrals!! It has been a wonderful week, despite how it may sound.
For the love of Pre-School
Ahhhhhh.......
Friday, 2 1/2 hours of a quiet house, a cup of coffee and blogging. WHeeeeeeee!!!!!
I've been wondering if I am the only one who's ventured into adoption and found it so frustrating and archaic. Here's my theory, in case you wanted to hear it. I think the adoption is very similar to being pregnant. There's this thing - a need to have a kid, then there's 2 general options pregnancy or adoption usually. With pregnancy this alien literally takes over your body, everything. There's not much you can do about it, so most women make the best of it and say things like "oh, it's been rough but it'll all be worth it when I see our baby" and of course it is, it always is. But in pregnancy you really have no choice in the matter so it IS best to make the best of it. Then there's labor and delivery, things that you'd think would be burned into every woman's mind moment by moment. Well, after the baby is born there's a huge endorphin rush, which is basically nature's memory eraser. Quite convenient for mother nature I must say, otherwise a woman would tell other women the blow by blow of the pregnancy and birth and no one in their right mind would ever get pregnant again! (I think mother nature didn't give me the right dosage of endorphins after A's birth, cause I was scarred let me tell ya)
Now on to option #2 which we're in the midst of now. Adoption, it's similar in that there's the need for a child, you have little control and you're consumed. Only this consumption is one of the mind, not the body. And the control is not in mother natures hands, it's in the hands of people, people that you have never met, people who are being paid, people who don't always have your best interests in mind, but people who you've hopefully researched the heck out of and one's you're willing to try to trust. So, you'd think there would be just a ton of info out there on all of these people who do adoptions, right? Tons! There's no pregnancy involved so we're in our 'right' minds, our hormones aren't out of whack, we're getting a baby without all of the 'icky' pregnancy stuff getting in the way of our reasoning. WRONG. My theory is that parents, myself included, are so incredibly scared that anything they do or say will either mess with their adoption process, adding bumps and time, or even worse that they'll be sued or worse lose out on a referral because of it. So I believe many wait, wait until it's 'safe' to tell. But by then they've brought their baby home, and there go those endorphins, and what could possibly be awful about an experience that brought you this beautiful child?
So I am going to 'out' the adoption world as I see it, because I want other's to know that it's painful, it's awful at times, often like pregnancy. BUT there's a BIG difference, WE all can DO something about the way parents are treated. Hold agencies accountable for what they tell us when we sign on. Expect excellent customer service! We are paying for it! The more complacent parents are, the more complacent the agencies will be and they won't drop prices for the difference. I cannot say this enough, kids need parents that are NOT emotionally and financially in shambles! And adoption should not be limited to upper middle class or the rich. Adoptions subsidies shouldn't be limited to waiting children, special needs children, or families making under 35 thousand a year.
I don't think I'm the only one that thinks a system that operates so slowly, so invasively, and so callously isn't good for families. I don't know why it's so expensive. Why does it cost $500 to apply? Why did my homestudy cost $3000? WE did ALL of the work!!!!!!! We wrote the damn thing, all she did was take excerpts out of it and slap her official signature on it (I'm willing to bet that's how the reports we send back to VN will go too). Oh and she asked us the same exact questions from the self-study for 4 hours. Why does a 16 hour class on 2 topics last 16 hours? And why does it cost $1500?
Don't even get me started again on the celebrity adoption thing. Ugh. I can't believe that Madonna is nuts enough to actually believe that the reason people are upset is because Daniel is black!! OMG!! NO!! I'm mad because she got preferential treatment and she won't ADMIT to it!!!!!! Give me one average, middle income family who frickin' picked out their child for themselves from a video or photos and then got to bring him/her home within weeks, and I'll shoot flying monkeys out of my butt. Do some research Madge, Angelina, Meg, Sharon. Then get back to me.
Gotta go get the munch-man...
Peace
Friday, 2 1/2 hours of a quiet house, a cup of coffee and blogging. WHeeeeeeee!!!!!
I've been wondering if I am the only one who's ventured into adoption and found it so frustrating and archaic. Here's my theory, in case you wanted to hear it. I think the adoption is very similar to being pregnant. There's this thing - a need to have a kid, then there's 2 general options pregnancy or adoption usually. With pregnancy this alien literally takes over your body, everything. There's not much you can do about it, so most women make the best of it and say things like "oh, it's been rough but it'll all be worth it when I see our baby" and of course it is, it always is. But in pregnancy you really have no choice in the matter so it IS best to make the best of it. Then there's labor and delivery, things that you'd think would be burned into every woman's mind moment by moment. Well, after the baby is born there's a huge endorphin rush, which is basically nature's memory eraser. Quite convenient for mother nature I must say, otherwise a woman would tell other women the blow by blow of the pregnancy and birth and no one in their right mind would ever get pregnant again! (I think mother nature didn't give me the right dosage of endorphins after A's birth, cause I was scarred let me tell ya)
Now on to option #2 which we're in the midst of now. Adoption, it's similar in that there's the need for a child, you have little control and you're consumed. Only this consumption is one of the mind, not the body. And the control is not in mother natures hands, it's in the hands of people, people that you have never met, people who are being paid, people who don't always have your best interests in mind, but people who you've hopefully researched the heck out of and one's you're willing to try to trust. So, you'd think there would be just a ton of info out there on all of these people who do adoptions, right? Tons! There's no pregnancy involved so we're in our 'right' minds, our hormones aren't out of whack, we're getting a baby without all of the 'icky' pregnancy stuff getting in the way of our reasoning. WRONG. My theory is that parents, myself included, are so incredibly scared that anything they do or say will either mess with their adoption process, adding bumps and time, or even worse that they'll be sued or worse lose out on a referral because of it. So I believe many wait, wait until it's 'safe' to tell. But by then they've brought their baby home, and there go those endorphins, and what could possibly be awful about an experience that brought you this beautiful child?
So I am going to 'out' the adoption world as I see it, because I want other's to know that it's painful, it's awful at times, often like pregnancy. BUT there's a BIG difference, WE all can DO something about the way parents are treated. Hold agencies accountable for what they tell us when we sign on. Expect excellent customer service! We are paying for it! The more complacent parents are, the more complacent the agencies will be and they won't drop prices for the difference. I cannot say this enough, kids need parents that are NOT emotionally and financially in shambles! And adoption should not be limited to upper middle class or the rich. Adoptions subsidies shouldn't be limited to waiting children, special needs children, or families making under 35 thousand a year.
I don't think I'm the only one that thinks a system that operates so slowly, so invasively, and so callously isn't good for families. I don't know why it's so expensive. Why does it cost $500 to apply? Why did my homestudy cost $3000? WE did ALL of the work!!!!!!! We wrote the damn thing, all she did was take excerpts out of it and slap her official signature on it (I'm willing to bet that's how the reports we send back to VN will go too). Oh and she asked us the same exact questions from the self-study for 4 hours. Why does a 16 hour class on 2 topics last 16 hours? And why does it cost $1500?
Don't even get me started again on the celebrity adoption thing. Ugh. I can't believe that Madonna is nuts enough to actually believe that the reason people are upset is because Daniel is black!! OMG!! NO!! I'm mad because she got preferential treatment and she won't ADMIT to it!!!!!! Give me one average, middle income family who frickin' picked out their child for themselves from a video or photos and then got to bring him/her home within weeks, and I'll shoot flying monkeys out of my butt. Do some research Madge, Angelina, Meg, Sharon. Then get back to me.
Gotta go get the munch-man...
Peace
Monday, October 30, 2006
Monday Night Football
Don't care much about it. I think I had about 2 years where I got into football, and it's over. It probably has something to do with living in MN and having to root for the Vikings, who nearly always choke by the way.
Anyway, no adoption news, but why would there be? I have finally gotten off my crazy reasearch jag. I have now picked my top four agencies. And if things don't pan out with our current agency by the time we are paper ready I am now equipped with back ups I am confident with. So that is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel like we are informed now and have a plan. I am not comfortable without a plan, and I'm really not comfortable flying blind. I'm surprised honestly that we are as far into this as we are. I usually research first, and a lot. But in this instance I knew VN had just reopened and I wanted to hurry up and get on a list, any list, to adopt. Of course it also had something to do with having passed the one year mark of trying to have a baby and doing way more than I ever wanted with fertility stuff. I needed a Light at the end of the tunnel. And I felt I had that with adoption, it may take long, but there was an end in sight. Whereas, there really was no light at the end of the fertility tunnel, just the need and hope for one.
I am discovering now that we may have a light at the end of our adoption tunnel, but it seems as though we take one step toward it and it moves three steps further away.
I do want to thank everyone in the online adoption community for being so amazing. Without that resource and support I think we would have been much more frustrated and may have given up. I have found so many people and stories inspiring. Being able to ask questions without feeling stupid or judged has been so helpful, and I am forever grateful to those who answered my questions and reached out to me. I hope someday I can help another PAP navigate this frustrating crazy wonderful world of adoption.
Pass it on...
Anyway, no adoption news, but why would there be? I have finally gotten off my crazy reasearch jag. I have now picked my top four agencies. And if things don't pan out with our current agency by the time we are paper ready I am now equipped with back ups I am confident with. So that is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel like we are informed now and have a plan. I am not comfortable without a plan, and I'm really not comfortable flying blind. I'm surprised honestly that we are as far into this as we are. I usually research first, and a lot. But in this instance I knew VN had just reopened and I wanted to hurry up and get on a list, any list, to adopt. Of course it also had something to do with having passed the one year mark of trying to have a baby and doing way more than I ever wanted with fertility stuff. I needed a Light at the end of the tunnel. And I felt I had that with adoption, it may take long, but there was an end in sight. Whereas, there really was no light at the end of the fertility tunnel, just the need and hope for one.
I am discovering now that we may have a light at the end of our adoption tunnel, but it seems as though we take one step toward it and it moves three steps further away.
I do want to thank everyone in the online adoption community for being so amazing. Without that resource and support I think we would have been much more frustrated and may have given up. I have found so many people and stories inspiring. Being able to ask questions without feeling stupid or judged has been so helpful, and I am forever grateful to those who answered my questions and reached out to me. I hope someday I can help another PAP navigate this frustrating crazy wonderful world of adoption.
Pass it on...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Bleary eyed
That's how I look and feel these days.
Too much time in front of the computer screen. I hid my mulit-media degree away in a closet somewhere because of computers and how brain dead I get sitting in front of one, and now I'm doing this willingly?? Well now you know it's bad when the computer is my new best friend. Up until now it's always been a sort of love hate relationship we've had. I tell ya, one of the funnest things I ever did was take a hammer to our old PC on a beautiful summer day in the back yard, the day after we bought our new shiny white Mac. It must run in the family because about a year later my dad did the same thing in his garage after a virus got his PC. Hey don't look at me! I didn't tell him to do it.
Can I go get acupuncture everyday? Well I probably could I just couldn't afford it. I wish I could. I sleep there, they play nice asian music softly as I lay there with between 14 and 20 needles in random (to me) spots and a nice heat lamp aimed right at my belly button. Why am I going, you may ask? Well, it's for 'female' issues. I term it fertility issues, as I have unexplained infertility, which really to me means my body is way out of whack. So the getting pregnant part is not nearly as important as the feeling better part. I can explain half of why I can't concieve, I ony have one ovary, ha-ha! Half of it, get it? Lame. It's late, I can hardly type straight.
I have no real point to this entry, if you can't tell. I've been reading blogs all night, and thought that I should post and this time make it a random one, life doesn't always have to be so bogged down with our desires. (my current one being adoption)
So tonight I will pray for patience and wisdom. And the key to following my heart.
night...
Too much time in front of the computer screen. I hid my mulit-media degree away in a closet somewhere because of computers and how brain dead I get sitting in front of one, and now I'm doing this willingly?? Well now you know it's bad when the computer is my new best friend. Up until now it's always been a sort of love hate relationship we've had. I tell ya, one of the funnest things I ever did was take a hammer to our old PC on a beautiful summer day in the back yard, the day after we bought our new shiny white Mac. It must run in the family because about a year later my dad did the same thing in his garage after a virus got his PC. Hey don't look at me! I didn't tell him to do it.
Can I go get acupuncture everyday? Well I probably could I just couldn't afford it. I wish I could. I sleep there, they play nice asian music softly as I lay there with between 14 and 20 needles in random (to me) spots and a nice heat lamp aimed right at my belly button. Why am I going, you may ask? Well, it's for 'female' issues. I term it fertility issues, as I have unexplained infertility, which really to me means my body is way out of whack. So the getting pregnant part is not nearly as important as the feeling better part. I can explain half of why I can't concieve, I ony have one ovary, ha-ha! Half of it, get it? Lame. It's late, I can hardly type straight.
I have no real point to this entry, if you can't tell. I've been reading blogs all night, and thought that I should post and this time make it a random one, life doesn't always have to be so bogged down with our desires. (my current one being adoption)
So tonight I will pray for patience and wisdom. And the key to following my heart.
night...
Friday, October 27, 2006
So it's Friday.
I'm still learning...
I've been glued to the computer, reading blogs and web groups, anything I can find. I even emailed the consulate in Hanoi. All in my quest for information. I know I don't HAVE to be this anal, but since I wasn't at all when we signed with our agency I am making up for that now. They came so highly recommended, I thought I had done due diligence by checking out other families. Now I know, in this case those families could have been talking about another place entirely, as there was no way they could recommend a new program. But I didn't realize the difference between program and agency. Silly me, I believed the schpiel about it's all about the children, and we're non profit, we just want the families to be happy. I mean I didn't fall for it 100 percent, and I'm sure they are about the kids and families up to a point, but all I had to do was look around at the office and see there clearly was profit being made. I fell enough to believe that they were going to have my back so to speak, I now don't feel they truly do. And this is not just my agency, it's any agency, I feel. They are in the business of adopting, not of taking care of customers. The general feeling I get from agencies in general is that the end result is what matters, not the in between. I really thought they'd have standards regarding customer service! As we're spending our entire life savings on adoption, I figured agencies would at least owe us that. But I suppose most APs don't go back to the agency that delivered them their child and say 'you did a bad job'. It does seem trival when we're talking about children and I think that's what gets them off the hook, we're too worried about being polite or seeming ungrateful. I think more APs should let agencies know when they're less than satisfied. Otherwise what incentive do they have to improve? I swear it's easier to find a good waxer or a good car mechanic than a good agency, and you know why I think that is? Because there's little regulation, and there is rarely such a thing as free speech in the adoption world.(I wish there was an Angie's list for adoption) Here I thought 'no news was good news', when in truth it's often the opposite. I have to say that I can get pretty livid about the whole thing, especially when I hear about celebrities adopting and they spew all this wonderful well-meaning stuff about for the kids and helping kids, great, that is truly awesome, it is. But those kids who will be adopted, they need parents that aren't run through the ringer. Those kids need someone to advocate for their parents too! Not that I'm saying this isn't worth it, I know it will be. I just don't think that it has to be this secretive, unorganized, and difficult. Not to mention I have yet to figure out why exactly it is so insanely expensive (for "non- Profit").
See I said I get on a soap box again. ; )
I'm still not sure if we are for sure going to change agencies. I am about 80 percent there. It would make things 'easier', and 'cheaper' to stay, but I'm up for difficult and more $. If we do stay, I plan to become everything I am not now, I am going to ask questions and want real answers, I'm going to be calling, emailing, everything to let them know I'm not just in it for the ride. I am going to be OUR biggest advocate and I'm not going to care if I 'bug' them or not, which I'm sure at some point I will. (things I'd do now anywhere we adopted from)
Well, the four year old calls.....
I've been glued to the computer, reading blogs and web groups, anything I can find. I even emailed the consulate in Hanoi. All in my quest for information. I know I don't HAVE to be this anal, but since I wasn't at all when we signed with our agency I am making up for that now. They came so highly recommended, I thought I had done due diligence by checking out other families. Now I know, in this case those families could have been talking about another place entirely, as there was no way they could recommend a new program. But I didn't realize the difference between program and agency. Silly me, I believed the schpiel about it's all about the children, and we're non profit, we just want the families to be happy. I mean I didn't fall for it 100 percent, and I'm sure they are about the kids and families up to a point, but all I had to do was look around at the office and see there clearly was profit being made. I fell enough to believe that they were going to have my back so to speak, I now don't feel they truly do. And this is not just my agency, it's any agency, I feel. They are in the business of adopting, not of taking care of customers. The general feeling I get from agencies in general is that the end result is what matters, not the in between. I really thought they'd have standards regarding customer service! As we're spending our entire life savings on adoption, I figured agencies would at least owe us that. But I suppose most APs don't go back to the agency that delivered them their child and say 'you did a bad job'. It does seem trival when we're talking about children and I think that's what gets them off the hook, we're too worried about being polite or seeming ungrateful. I think more APs should let agencies know when they're less than satisfied. Otherwise what incentive do they have to improve? I swear it's easier to find a good waxer or a good car mechanic than a good agency, and you know why I think that is? Because there's little regulation, and there is rarely such a thing as free speech in the adoption world.(I wish there was an Angie's list for adoption) Here I thought 'no news was good news', when in truth it's often the opposite. I have to say that I can get pretty livid about the whole thing, especially when I hear about celebrities adopting and they spew all this wonderful well-meaning stuff about for the kids and helping kids, great, that is truly awesome, it is. But those kids who will be adopted, they need parents that aren't run through the ringer. Those kids need someone to advocate for their parents too! Not that I'm saying this isn't worth it, I know it will be. I just don't think that it has to be this secretive, unorganized, and difficult. Not to mention I have yet to figure out why exactly it is so insanely expensive (for "non- Profit").
See I said I get on a soap box again. ; )
I'm still not sure if we are for sure going to change agencies. I am about 80 percent there. It would make things 'easier', and 'cheaper' to stay, but I'm up for difficult and more $. If we do stay, I plan to become everything I am not now, I am going to ask questions and want real answers, I'm going to be calling, emailing, everything to let them know I'm not just in it for the ride. I am going to be OUR biggest advocate and I'm not going to care if I 'bug' them or not, which I'm sure at some point I will. (things I'd do now anywhere we adopted from)
Well, the four year old calls.....
Monday, October 23, 2006
The long winding road
So we finally got our rough draft, it looks great. One problem though. (always is, isn't there) I have now amassed so much new information I have totally confused the heck out of myself. I'm just not sure that we should stay with the same agency for our adoption. They told us a lot of false statements when we first signed up. They covered their butts by saying, of course things could change. But things changed drastically. And the wait went from 1-4 month for referral to 9+ months, and then add the additional time to travel and it could be a year from NOW when we bring her home! And when we'd started in April we thought a year from then, TOPS. I think they are trying as hard a they can to speed things up. I just think that the people running the program are a little inexperienced, and this situation calls for experience. Of course I'm just going by how things feel to me and the little information I have been able to glean from them and online.
The other agency I had originally hoped to go through has run into some major road blocks as well. Though I think that the people running their program are a little more prepared. Again just a guess.
So my problem is do we wait, most likely a year, 7+ months more than we'd hoped, and stay where we are? Or do we go with another agency? There are so many rumors flying around about these agencies with little way of checking for facts, so you have to basically choose the best of the worst. And then pray you've done the right thing. Or stick with an agency that has no rumor attached, partly because they have only brought home 2 families, and then wait 3 times longer than any other agency. In all honesty I would most likely wait the extra time if this were our first child. It's not. And as it is with all of the fertility things we've tried and wasted time with, our children are going to be far apart. As an only child myself, I really feel driven to have them be as close in age as I can get them, without adopting a toddler. (we're open to up to 18 months) I had thought that I had a perfect albeit totally random way of picking an agency, K's family lives in VN, in Nha Trang, so I was going to pick an agency that works in provinces near his family, that way they could go visit her or give us info about the area and the orphanage, and when we went to get her we would be near them so we could visit, beforehand. And as luck would have it there is only one agency operating anywhere near there, in the province next door! But, it's the agency that has had the only negative rumor that has more than one person to verify it, and that I believe. Of course! There goes that idea.
UGH!
We have to make the final decision this week. That's my personal deadline. Till then I am going to be researching the HECK out of agencies, then I'll flip a coin. (kidding, I hope)
The other agency I had originally hoped to go through has run into some major road blocks as well. Though I think that the people running their program are a little more prepared. Again just a guess.
So my problem is do we wait, most likely a year, 7+ months more than we'd hoped, and stay where we are? Or do we go with another agency? There are so many rumors flying around about these agencies with little way of checking for facts, so you have to basically choose the best of the worst. And then pray you've done the right thing. Or stick with an agency that has no rumor attached, partly because they have only brought home 2 families, and then wait 3 times longer than any other agency. In all honesty I would most likely wait the extra time if this were our first child. It's not. And as it is with all of the fertility things we've tried and wasted time with, our children are going to be far apart. As an only child myself, I really feel driven to have them be as close in age as I can get them, without adopting a toddler. (we're open to up to 18 months) I had thought that I had a perfect albeit totally random way of picking an agency, K's family lives in VN, in Nha Trang, so I was going to pick an agency that works in provinces near his family, that way they could go visit her or give us info about the area and the orphanage, and when we went to get her we would be near them so we could visit, beforehand. And as luck would have it there is only one agency operating anywhere near there, in the province next door! But, it's the agency that has had the only negative rumor that has more than one person to verify it, and that I believe. Of course! There goes that idea.
UGH!
We have to make the final decision this week. That's my personal deadline. Till then I am going to be researching the HECK out of agencies, then I'll flip a coin. (kidding, I hope)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
It's been a while, huh?
Hi again.
I got discouraged, and flaked out on the whole blog thing. Then I got really determined and busy researching, now I'm baaackk!
So, first things first we had our 2 day adoptive parents class, which were Waaayy too long. And so emotionally draining that we felt as though we'd endured some kind of battle. We would regard each other as battle buddies for a few weeks after. Man. It was redundant to say the least. And they didn't talk about the things you'd think they'd talk about and beat to death the things they did. But we did learn some good and valuable things, about interracial adoption, which will affect us less than most parents there, but will no doubt affect us. We are glad they had the classes, we just wish they'd have condensed the racial issues a bit, and had more variety of issues.
And we FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY! Woo-Hoo!
I think we lucked out in the social worker area, she was so great! Our son (A-) just loved her, he kept calling her "social worker" though. I think it's because it was a bigger word and he felt grown up. He was so funny, taking her on a tour of our house, explaining things. Things she didn't need to know, like "We just put the stair railing back up this morning! We had to take it off when we moved here (3 years ago) to get the washer downstairs." That caused her to chuckle a little bit. I think K- and I were more nervous for the second interview at our home than the one where we met at the office. I just babbled on and on, I wonder if I even answered any of her questions!! I think she just thought we were plain goofy. Luckily she has a sense of humor. Well, I guess I won't know for sure until we see her rough draft of the home-study. ;-)
So currently we are staring at our next HUGE bill from the agency wondering how we're going to do this. I put K- on the financial, and I'm trying to figure out some fundraising. I've been on OnlineGroups nearly everyday getting the scoop on the whole Viet Nam and adoption thing. I had no idea how mind boggling and involved it all is even though you have such little control. I'm sure at some point I'll get on another soapbox, but today is just an update. Lucky you! Haha! ;-)
Oh, and I changed the name of the blog, to waiting for Laurna Lynh, since short of a miracle I don't see us bringing her home in January (wow, I had such hi-hopes). And we've chosen the name Laurna, after my grandma Lorna, and the Vietnamese name Lynh. We had always planned that if we had a son his middle name would be Edward after my grandpa, if we had a girl her name would have a Vietnamese middle name. A- would've been Stella Mai, had he been a girl.
So even though we're adopting from VN, we can still stick to our plans!
Also, I have been shopping. Still clearance shopping, and it's been curbed considerably, but she has quite a collection. My mom has been helping with it too. I swear she's more excited about this than anyone!!
I will try to post some pictures and I hope to start developing a webring, is that what it's called? Anyway, a links of interest area for people to read other blogs and get info on Viet Nam.
Take care!!
I got discouraged, and flaked out on the whole blog thing. Then I got really determined and busy researching, now I'm baaackk!
So, first things first we had our 2 day adoptive parents class, which were Waaayy too long. And so emotionally draining that we felt as though we'd endured some kind of battle. We would regard each other as battle buddies for a few weeks after. Man. It was redundant to say the least. And they didn't talk about the things you'd think they'd talk about and beat to death the things they did. But we did learn some good and valuable things, about interracial adoption, which will affect us less than most parents there, but will no doubt affect us. We are glad they had the classes, we just wish they'd have condensed the racial issues a bit, and had more variety of issues.
And we FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY! Woo-Hoo!
I think we lucked out in the social worker area, she was so great! Our son (A-) just loved her, he kept calling her "social worker" though. I think it's because it was a bigger word and he felt grown up. He was so funny, taking her on a tour of our house, explaining things. Things she didn't need to know, like "We just put the stair railing back up this morning! We had to take it off when we moved here (3 years ago) to get the washer downstairs." That caused her to chuckle a little bit. I think K- and I were more nervous for the second interview at our home than the one where we met at the office. I just babbled on and on, I wonder if I even answered any of her questions!! I think she just thought we were plain goofy. Luckily she has a sense of humor. Well, I guess I won't know for sure until we see her rough draft of the home-study. ;-)
So currently we are staring at our next HUGE bill from the agency wondering how we're going to do this. I put K- on the financial, and I'm trying to figure out some fundraising. I've been on OnlineGroups nearly everyday getting the scoop on the whole Viet Nam and adoption thing. I had no idea how mind boggling and involved it all is even though you have such little control. I'm sure at some point I'll get on another soapbox, but today is just an update. Lucky you! Haha! ;-)
Oh, and I changed the name of the blog, to waiting for Laurna Lynh, since short of a miracle I don't see us bringing her home in January (wow, I had such hi-hopes). And we've chosen the name Laurna, after my grandma Lorna, and the Vietnamese name Lynh. We had always planned that if we had a son his middle name would be Edward after my grandpa, if we had a girl her name would have a Vietnamese middle name. A- would've been Stella Mai, had he been a girl.
So even though we're adopting from VN, we can still stick to our plans!
Also, I have been shopping. Still clearance shopping, and it's been curbed considerably, but she has quite a collection. My mom has been helping with it too. I swear she's more excited about this than anyone!!
I will try to post some pictures and I hope to start developing a webring, is that what it's called? Anyway, a links of interest area for people to read other blogs and get info on Viet Nam.
Take care!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
It's been depressing
All of this waiting, has been getting to me. On top of it they are now saying the referral will take 4 times as long as they had first thought. I'm trying hard not to think of that now. I just keep going day to day. I read a blog where women post about their post baby bodies, their battle scarred bodies. It was relieving in a way because I have one of those battle scarred bellies, from my son. I'm still not used to it. Of course I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought him into this world. The sight of these baby bellies made me incredibly sad too. Because I'll never have that again. And even tho I have come to terms with it, I'll never ever fully extinguish the yearning for it. And that's something I can never admit out loud because women pity you for it. It's so sad that when I need the understanding of a woman more than any other time, I cannot share it because it's something most women can't understand, unless they've gone thru it. If they haven't I just end up feeling pitied. I need comfort not pity.
And this blog, this anonymous blog. It helps, somewhat, if I don't care that no one reads it. Why does it help to pretend you're telling someone your problems? Well it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I'm kind of alone in this process. And everyone else who has an adoption blog or site seems so happy go lucky to me, so even there I feel somewhat alone too. My mom has been helpful, she's listened to my bitching, and she's not made me feel pitied. I have run into women to whom this in ability to conceive/adoption thing is foreign, those who'd sneeze and get pregnant. And so their reaction I think comes out as guilt and superiority all at once, which ends up as pity. I've tried not to let it get to me, this happened when we were having problems conceiving before too, all the "well meaning" pep talks and pity filled glances.
We have our adoption classes this week. Classes to adopt, how ironic. Never took a class to conceive, maybe I should've. Never had to explain wanting to be pregnant either.
next topic...
My car died, well almost, it was on it's way out. So we bought a new-to-us car. Got a good deal, and we love it so that's great. The timing sort of sucks, now on top of all the $ for adoption we now have a car payment. It was either a car payment or shell out more and more $ to keep my car running. And I'll admit, hearing that the adoption was going to take 4x longer was a big part of just saying F* it lets get a car. Baby, car- Baby, car, not at all the same. I'd rather have the baby, but I'll take the car, for now. (besides we can't be toting two beautiful kids in some beater, can we?)
We've decided on a name for her, it's a secret, for now (no stealing!). And she's amassing quite a wardrobe. Love clearance shopping! I'm still trying to limit myself, but I find it hard to pass up some of the cute summer dresses. I am pretty happy with the normal color to pink colored clothes ratio I have going on. I will not dress her in all pink all the time, I'd go nuts! I need my black in there somewhere!
Well if someone read this, thanks for 'listening'
TTFN.....
And this blog, this anonymous blog. It helps, somewhat, if I don't care that no one reads it. Why does it help to pretend you're telling someone your problems? Well it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I'm kind of alone in this process. And everyone else who has an adoption blog or site seems so happy go lucky to me, so even there I feel somewhat alone too. My mom has been helpful, she's listened to my bitching, and she's not made me feel pitied. I have run into women to whom this in ability to conceive/adoption thing is foreign, those who'd sneeze and get pregnant. And so their reaction I think comes out as guilt and superiority all at once, which ends up as pity. I've tried not to let it get to me, this happened when we were having problems conceiving before too, all the "well meaning" pep talks and pity filled glances.
We have our adoption classes this week. Classes to adopt, how ironic. Never took a class to conceive, maybe I should've. Never had to explain wanting to be pregnant either.
next topic...
My car died, well almost, it was on it's way out. So we bought a new-to-us car. Got a good deal, and we love it so that's great. The timing sort of sucks, now on top of all the $ for adoption we now have a car payment. It was either a car payment or shell out more and more $ to keep my car running. And I'll admit, hearing that the adoption was going to take 4x longer was a big part of just saying F* it lets get a car. Baby, car- Baby, car, not at all the same. I'd rather have the baby, but I'll take the car, for now. (besides we can't be toting two beautiful kids in some beater, can we?)
We've decided on a name for her, it's a secret, for now (no stealing!). And she's amassing quite a wardrobe. Love clearance shopping! I'm still trying to limit myself, but I find it hard to pass up some of the cute summer dresses. I am pretty happy with the normal color to pink colored clothes ratio I have going on. I will not dress her in all pink all the time, I'd go nuts! I need my black in there somewhere!
Well if someone read this, thanks for 'listening'
TTFN.....
Sunday, May 21, 2006
My son and I went and dropped off the paperwork! I forgot to drop off the all important check, ooops! So, I mailed it. I think that while we are waiting for the home study I am going to start gathering paperwork I assume we'll need for the government. For instance I need a passport, so I'll get that. And while I'm at it I'll get more official copies of birth certificates and such. Hopefully that'll help speed things along.
After we did that we went to Target and browsed the clearance racks and we found the cutest little dress for our little girl! So we bought it! It took me a long time to commit to buying it, it was a very strange feeling, to say the least.
It's admitting in a way that I have this empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by this little person who may not even exist yet. It feels good to admit that. It's finally allowing myself to feel something, since I've been doing everything I can for the last however many years to deny it, or put off feeling hopeful. It's been my self preservation hard at work. The whole process of infertility seems so endless, so every month I tried (in vain) to pretend that I was going with the flow and not stressing. I'd be trying to fool myself into believing that it was this month, or this month, or this.... it never was. Each month I felt like the ability to hope, or be hopeful, was being smothered. That's why I had to stop. I need to be hopeful, I need to be optomistic, that's the kind of person I've always been and this tourture was killing that. I find now that I have to relearn in some ways how to be hopeful. Relearn how to be optomistic. I'm still stressed, just in another way. And it does remind me very much of being pregnant. The feeling of this all important task being essentially out of your hands, and yet you're so involved in it. I think I am going thru some sort of hormone thing too, whether it's because of the after effects of medication, I do not know. It's there though.
A side note, since this whole adoption thing is new to us, and our families I'm finding that there are misconceptions about adoptive parents I've never thought about. One thing I think we are running into now is the money issue. We feel the need to justify our adoption to others. Like we need to explain away a purchase of a boat or vacation or convertable car in Minnesota. As if people think the adoption is a frivolous choice and if we 'have the money' to adopt, or we 'choose' to adopt then why are we asking for help? We have a son, can't we just be happy? We find ourselves going thru the entire thought process and medical reasoning behind our need to adopt. Notice I say NEED not CHOICE. Because it is a need, for our family to feel complete we need to adopt. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever invision having an only child. I have however thought often about adoption, even as a teenager I did. I didn't realize that I'd feel the need to justify doing what we feel is right for our family! Or explain it. I NEVER had to explain why I wanted to get pregnant!! In fact I probably had to explain more why I didn't get pregnant SOONER! So to those that love us, or those who know someone who is adopting or thinking of it, please don't question why. Just remember that they have the ability and need to love, and love is not descriminating, do you need to know anymore than that?
After we did that we went to Target and browsed the clearance racks and we found the cutest little dress for our little girl! So we bought it! It took me a long time to commit to buying it, it was a very strange feeling, to say the least.
It's admitting in a way that I have this empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by this little person who may not even exist yet. It feels good to admit that. It's finally allowing myself to feel something, since I've been doing everything I can for the last however many years to deny it, or put off feeling hopeful. It's been my self preservation hard at work. The whole process of infertility seems so endless, so every month I tried (in vain) to pretend that I was going with the flow and not stressing. I'd be trying to fool myself into believing that it was this month, or this month, or this.... it never was. Each month I felt like the ability to hope, or be hopeful, was being smothered. That's why I had to stop. I need to be hopeful, I need to be optomistic, that's the kind of person I've always been and this tourture was killing that. I find now that I have to relearn in some ways how to be hopeful. Relearn how to be optomistic. I'm still stressed, just in another way. And it does remind me very much of being pregnant. The feeling of this all important task being essentially out of your hands, and yet you're so involved in it. I think I am going thru some sort of hormone thing too, whether it's because of the after effects of medication, I do not know. It's there though.
A side note, since this whole adoption thing is new to us, and our families I'm finding that there are misconceptions about adoptive parents I've never thought about. One thing I think we are running into now is the money issue. We feel the need to justify our adoption to others. Like we need to explain away a purchase of a boat or vacation or convertable car in Minnesota. As if people think the adoption is a frivolous choice and if we 'have the money' to adopt, or we 'choose' to adopt then why are we asking for help? We have a son, can't we just be happy? We find ourselves going thru the entire thought process and medical reasoning behind our need to adopt. Notice I say NEED not CHOICE. Because it is a need, for our family to feel complete we need to adopt. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever invision having an only child. I have however thought often about adoption, even as a teenager I did. I didn't realize that I'd feel the need to justify doing what we feel is right for our family! Or explain it. I NEVER had to explain why I wanted to get pregnant!! In fact I probably had to explain more why I didn't get pregnant SOONER! So to those that love us, or those who know someone who is adopting or thinking of it, please don't question why. Just remember that they have the ability and need to love, and love is not descriminating, do you need to know anymore than that?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Bored at work
Who isn't? I have only 25 minutes left before I am free! And finally for once in the last 2 weeks the weather is going to be great when I get home! Windy, but sunny! I have been typing all day long, part of my job is to type up student news. And I'm not the worlds best typer, but I do okay. I get it done.
We still have not finished the initial paperwork. We have to go to the library and sign papers in front of a notary. Libraries have those right? Then we are done. And we drop it off and wait. It bugs that we couldn't have been put on some waiting list while we were doing this paperwork, now we've been busting our butts doing this and once it's in we just pick our noses and wait until the next huge pile of paper they hand us. And we'll bust our butts again trying to get that done, when if they'd let us get started on some of the paperwork now we could make use of this waiting time. So ARCHAIC! And why don't they make any use of computers and the internet? Vietnam has internet, they have email, they have fax machines; really they do!
4:30
Well time to go, I am FREE!!!
We still have not finished the initial paperwork. We have to go to the library and sign papers in front of a notary. Libraries have those right? Then we are done. And we drop it off and wait. It bugs that we couldn't have been put on some waiting list while we were doing this paperwork, now we've been busting our butts doing this and once it's in we just pick our noses and wait until the next huge pile of paper they hand us. And we'll bust our butts again trying to get that done, when if they'd let us get started on some of the paperwork now we could make use of this waiting time. So ARCHAIC! And why don't they make any use of computers and the internet? Vietnam has internet, they have email, they have fax machines; really they do!
4:30
Well time to go, I am FREE!!!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Who knew one little piece of paper.....
Could make me so nervous anxious and bored?
I had forgotten to make my appointment to get my Dr. to fill out this little yellow piece of paper saying I am in good health. So last week I made the appointment and today was the day. I've been stressing all week about it because there's this question, "has patient ever been treated or diagnosed for mental illness, depression etc.?". Well, that is a very broad general statement to me. I mean to go from depression to mental illness is quite a jump, and not a good one. I say that because while I was going thru all the infertility, the long weeks and months of waiting I did worry I was getting depressed and I spoke to my Dr. about it and she prescribed Prozac. (the wonder drug?) Anyway, I never took it, still have the bottle in my cupboard somewhere. And I have dealt with depression in my early 20's but it's not something I feel should permanently stigmatize me for life. I worried that the Dr. would somehow see me being proactive as some sort of admission or diagnosis of a mental illness. That whole mental illness label is so broad and misleading. Too broad. It's a double edged sword too, on the one hand you feel vindicated when after months of not feeling 'right' you have this free pass of an official mental illness, "see I told you something's wrong! THEY say so!" but when it comes to the outside world, getting a job or in my case adopting, it's this huge weight, this albatross you want to explain. You feel attacked, you feel defensive "hey I'm not ill, I'm normal, I'm just aware of my mental health and I ask for help when I need it! That makes me more sane and clearheaded than most of you!". Do I think depression is dangerous? Yes, it can be. But 95% or more people who have called themselves depressed are not "mentally ill", they are in need of help in the form of counseling and the support of family and friends. For most that's all they need. Besides, what mom or parent for that matter doesn't get depressed at the thought of carpools, seeing your next r-rated film in a theater in 10 years, or having romance take place after 9 pm?
Back to the Dr.'s office, I waited and waited, 35 minutes in a paper gown to be exact. Then I got dressed and was almost out the door when the Dr. came in. I only had time to speak with her about the paperwork (Gee, bummer guess I'll reschedule that annual for uh, next year) she was very nice about it. And thank God she was on the same page as me and feels most people she sees that are depressed are not mentally ill. Meaning it will not affect their ability to be parents.
My gripe is that the adoption agency makes me feel like I am being attacked, and they do not adequately explain their needs. I suppose they do that so we'll vomit out all this potentially incriminating stuff. I wonder how many good parents are ruled out by this? Or maybe it's just not a big deal at all and I'm just hyper sensitive to anything that could potentially leave me without the possibility of a daughter.
It's probably a little of both.
I hope this counts as work. ;-) Since I'm at work. But it's a paper and this is news-media isn't it?
By the way I named my blog 'January hopes' because I hope that by January we will be bringing our daughter home.
I had forgotten to make my appointment to get my Dr. to fill out this little yellow piece of paper saying I am in good health. So last week I made the appointment and today was the day. I've been stressing all week about it because there's this question, "has patient ever been treated or diagnosed for mental illness, depression etc.?". Well, that is a very broad general statement to me. I mean to go from depression to mental illness is quite a jump, and not a good one. I say that because while I was going thru all the infertility, the long weeks and months of waiting I did worry I was getting depressed and I spoke to my Dr. about it and she prescribed Prozac. (the wonder drug?) Anyway, I never took it, still have the bottle in my cupboard somewhere. And I have dealt with depression in my early 20's but it's not something I feel should permanently stigmatize me for life. I worried that the Dr. would somehow see me being proactive as some sort of admission or diagnosis of a mental illness. That whole mental illness label is so broad and misleading. Too broad. It's a double edged sword too, on the one hand you feel vindicated when after months of not feeling 'right' you have this free pass of an official mental illness, "see I told you something's wrong! THEY say so!" but when it comes to the outside world, getting a job or in my case adopting, it's this huge weight, this albatross you want to explain. You feel attacked, you feel defensive "hey I'm not ill, I'm normal, I'm just aware of my mental health and I ask for help when I need it! That makes me more sane and clearheaded than most of you!". Do I think depression is dangerous? Yes, it can be. But 95% or more people who have called themselves depressed are not "mentally ill", they are in need of help in the form of counseling and the support of family and friends. For most that's all they need. Besides, what mom or parent for that matter doesn't get depressed at the thought of carpools, seeing your next r-rated film in a theater in 10 years, or having romance take place after 9 pm?
Back to the Dr.'s office, I waited and waited, 35 minutes in a paper gown to be exact. Then I got dressed and was almost out the door when the Dr. came in. I only had time to speak with her about the paperwork (Gee, bummer guess I'll reschedule that annual for uh, next year) she was very nice about it. And thank God she was on the same page as me and feels most people she sees that are depressed are not mentally ill. Meaning it will not affect their ability to be parents.
My gripe is that the adoption agency makes me feel like I am being attacked, and they do not adequately explain their needs. I suppose they do that so we'll vomit out all this potentially incriminating stuff. I wonder how many good parents are ruled out by this? Or maybe it's just not a big deal at all and I'm just hyper sensitive to anything that could potentially leave me without the possibility of a daughter.
It's probably a little of both.
I hope this counts as work. ;-) Since I'm at work. But it's a paper and this is news-media isn't it?
By the way I named my blog 'January hopes' because I hope that by January we will be bringing our daughter home.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Beginning my story
HI,
thanks for checking this new blog out. I'm at a total loss as to how to do this, but I figure it's like a journal right? I tend to write in a very conversational form, always have. I have kept a journal since I was in 5th grade when my parents separated. I guess huge life dilemmas are my writing triggers. And here we go again............
I'm beginning.
Odd sentence, but that sums things up. I am beginning, beginning a new job, beginning a loooong trek thru the trials and tribulations, not to mention the insults, and stress of adoption. We (Dh, Ds and I) hope to adopt from a newly re-opened program in Vietnam. The thing is, I am a very private person and the initial paperwork has asked for more info than I was prepared for. I mean, we've got to get finger-printed!! I know that this is all a precaution, no one wants some crazed criminal adopting children, but it still feels so icky. I want a child more than anything so of course I am going to go thru all of this. I just can't help but feel like it's so not fair. It's not fair that I am unable to give my family another biological child, and it's not fair that so many irresponsible women get pregnant and either give up, abort or abuse their kids. That being said I know that kids are life changing and I know that they have a way of making the worst person change their ways. But some don't. Plus, what is it with those women that just say the word pregnant and they're insanity knocked up? What is it? Who needs 16 kids?! And these days who would even have a farm that big? Anyway, I feel like going thru some of this is not only insulting but punishing someone who's been thru a lot already. I don't mind proving I'm healthy, I don't mind them looking to see if I have any police record, which I don't. I do mind them asking for more than my physical records, and wanting permission to interview a counselor from 10 years ago, or making it seem as tho needing help thru a time of stress and receiving it from a therapist or doctor or even thru medicine is somehow wrong. Like there's a stigma attached to asking for help. It's archaic.
The whole concept of adopting is scary. You have to have faith that this child that someone else picks for you will be the right fit for your family without ever having any interaction at all. Hey, we can't all be Angelina Jolie, she can basically walk into any orphanage and pick which one she wants, we don't have the money to be so selective. In fact I can't find any info on how exactly the average person would go about adopting in such a way.
And adoption is expensive! I really have no idea how we are going to do this without nearly bankrupting our family. That's not the way you imagine bringing a new member into the family. So I'm planning a garage sale to help with current debt. At least I can try to whittle that down. I got a new job 3 days a week. My son's not too keen on the idea of mommy being gone now. But at least he's got daddy time. He loves his daddy time, doing yard work and riding his big wheel.
I've been scouring the net for books on different types of families, so I can begin explaining how it's so cool that we will have a unique family to our son. And to explain how he is biological and his (sister) will be adopted and that that is just as special as having a bio-baby. So far I haven't had much luck. Maybe I'll write my own book.
I think that this is probably a good start, besides this laptop is giving me a headache.
Thanks for reading.
thanks for checking this new blog out. I'm at a total loss as to how to do this, but I figure it's like a journal right? I tend to write in a very conversational form, always have. I have kept a journal since I was in 5th grade when my parents separated. I guess huge life dilemmas are my writing triggers. And here we go again............
I'm beginning.
Odd sentence, but that sums things up. I am beginning, beginning a new job, beginning a loooong trek thru the trials and tribulations, not to mention the insults, and stress of adoption. We (Dh, Ds and I) hope to adopt from a newly re-opened program in Vietnam. The thing is, I am a very private person and the initial paperwork has asked for more info than I was prepared for. I mean, we've got to get finger-printed!! I know that this is all a precaution, no one wants some crazed criminal adopting children, but it still feels so icky. I want a child more than anything so of course I am going to go thru all of this. I just can't help but feel like it's so not fair. It's not fair that I am unable to give my family another biological child, and it's not fair that so many irresponsible women get pregnant and either give up, abort or abuse their kids. That being said I know that kids are life changing and I know that they have a way of making the worst person change their ways. But some don't. Plus, what is it with those women that just say the word pregnant and they're insanity knocked up? What is it? Who needs 16 kids?! And these days who would even have a farm that big? Anyway, I feel like going thru some of this is not only insulting but punishing someone who's been thru a lot already. I don't mind proving I'm healthy, I don't mind them looking to see if I have any police record, which I don't. I do mind them asking for more than my physical records, and wanting permission to interview a counselor from 10 years ago, or making it seem as tho needing help thru a time of stress and receiving it from a therapist or doctor or even thru medicine is somehow wrong. Like there's a stigma attached to asking for help. It's archaic.
The whole concept of adopting is scary. You have to have faith that this child that someone else picks for you will be the right fit for your family without ever having any interaction at all. Hey, we can't all be Angelina Jolie, she can basically walk into any orphanage and pick which one she wants, we don't have the money to be so selective. In fact I can't find any info on how exactly the average person would go about adopting in such a way.
And adoption is expensive! I really have no idea how we are going to do this without nearly bankrupting our family. That's not the way you imagine bringing a new member into the family. So I'm planning a garage sale to help with current debt. At least I can try to whittle that down. I got a new job 3 days a week. My son's not too keen on the idea of mommy being gone now. But at least he's got daddy time. He loves his daddy time, doing yard work and riding his big wheel.
I've been scouring the net for books on different types of families, so I can begin explaining how it's so cool that we will have a unique family to our son. And to explain how he is biological and his (sister) will be adopted and that that is just as special as having a bio-baby. So far I haven't had much luck. Maybe I'll write my own book.
I think that this is probably a good start, besides this laptop is giving me a headache.
Thanks for reading.
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