I've been trying to take stock today of what makes me happy.
Here's what I've come up with so far, in no particular order:
A~'s face, the way he smells and the sound he makes when he eats crunchy food, I think that cheek volume has something to do with it and the look he gets on his face is as if he wants to make each crunch count.
The smell of rain. Springtime. Sleeping. Savoring good food and/or wine. Pictures of my family. Laughing, giggling. A good cry after a stressful day. The way my cat curls up next to me when I sleep. The sound of her purring. Wind blowing through leaves on a summer day. Swimming underwater. How I felt after Acupuncture. Memories.
I'm sure there's more that's all I can think of at the moment.
I tend to take joy in little things, little moments that if I am aware enough I realize won't happen again. I try to burn them into my brain. But as I get older I'm sort of surprised at how much I forget. So, making new memories or at least appreciating my little moments helps me feel like I don't take life for granted. I just wish I were a better documenter, i'm terrible at taking pictures. I forget the camera all the time! I need those spy glasses with the built in camera so I have it with me all the time. oh, that'd be cool.
I hope that people added their voices to the list of those opposed to the increase in fees in the previous post. It may not seem like much, but add those fees to the amounts we're paying for all of the other little things it is a lot.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Adoption News: Hope you added your voice
I personally have added a comment via the .Gov website. They are trying to up the already astronomical prices for adoption related fees. Please if you are at all interested in adoption or care about adoptive families please add your voice to this! Do not let the government price adoption out of the average family! Adoption should NOT be just for the rich. More importantly, children need to come home to families who have not been run through the ringer, emotionally, and financially. Also in this the 21st century, fees should be getting smaller, not bigger. Things should be getting streamlined and there should be less work involved now with computers and national databases.
I emailed my senator and congress person to make them aware, could help.
Fee Increase Proposal
If the rule is adopted, filing fees would increase by an average of 66% over current fees. The proposed rule is subject to a 60-day comment period that ends on April 2, 2007. At the end of the comment period, USCIS will review and consider the comments it has received on its proposed rule. USCIS will then send its final proposal to the Office of Management and Budget for review. The OMB will make a final decision on the fee increase and issue the final rule.
Adoption-Related Petitions Affected by the Proposed Increase
Form/Petition Type
Current Fee
Proposed Fee
I-600/600A Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative
$ 545
$ 670
N-565 Application for Replacement of Certificate of Citizenship (used for name
changes)
$ 220
$ 380
N-600 Application for Certificate of Citizenship
$ 255
$ 460
Biometric Services (fingerprints)
$ 70
$ 80
Adoption is expensive enough already, and it is unconscionable to raise fees by up to 66% for adoption-related petitions.
Comments must be received by April 2, 2007, and must reference the agency name (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services), as well as the docket number (USCIS-2006- 0044). Comments may be submitted at http://www.regulations.gov the Federal eRulemaking Portal (search agency: USCIS, Document type: Proposed Rules, Keyword: USCIS-2006- 0044).
HOPEFULLY WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
I emailed my senator and congress person to make them aware, could help.
Fee Increase Proposal
If the rule is adopted, filing fees would increase by an average of 66% over current fees. The proposed rule is subject to a 60-day comment period that ends on April 2, 2007. At the end of the comment period, USCIS will review and consider the comments it has received on its proposed rule. USCIS will then send its final proposal to the Office of Management and Budget for review. The OMB will make a final decision on the fee increase and issue the final rule.
Adoption-Related Petitions Affected by the Proposed Increase
Form/Petition Type
Current Fee
Proposed Fee
I-600/600A Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative
$ 545
$ 670
N-565 Application for Replacement of Certificate of Citizenship (used for name
changes)
$ 220
$ 380
N-600 Application for Certificate of Citizenship
$ 255
$ 460
Biometric Services (fingerprints)
$ 70
$ 80
Adoption is expensive enough already, and it is unconscionable to raise fees by up to 66% for adoption-related petitions.
Comments must be received by April 2, 2007, and must reference the agency name (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services), as well as the docket number (USCIS-2006- 0044). Comments may be submitted at http://www.regulations.gov the Federal eRulemaking Portal (search agency: USCIS, Document type: Proposed Rules, Keyword: USCIS-2006- 0044).
HOPEFULLY WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Where am I??
I thought I lived in Minnesota. I think I may be wrong.
It was 81 degrees TODAY! Huh?
Well, tomorrow's gonna be 60 and by next week it'll be in the 40's so I'll feel more Minnesotan.
Here ends your weather forecast.
Now, back to watching Dancing with the Stars.....
It was 81 degrees TODAY! Huh?
Well, tomorrow's gonna be 60 and by next week it'll be in the 40's so I'll feel more Minnesotan.
Here ends your weather forecast.
Now, back to watching Dancing with the Stars.....
Ding Dong Ding
Hey,
I have a song going thru my head. Well, not so much a song but those 3 words, Ding Dong Ding. A~ had a little group recital at his Pre-k today. And oh what drama. The poor kid has developed a case of stage fright. Which is odd considering the fact that he performs "concerts" for us every day sometimes 2-3 times a day! Granted he doesn't sing, he dances, and it's just us. He dances to Gwen Stefani's "laya-laya-lah"(aka. Wind it up) or Sweet Escape these days. But he was so worried last night he was up with nightmares until about 3am. We first let him know that talking about it to his teacher would probably help a lot, I bet she's dealt with this before. Then when he was still worried and crying we assured him that if he would rather stay home it was OK. I hoped he'd go, and face his fears, but I didn't want to put pressure on the little guy. K~ being the dad, let me handle most of it, because his instinct was to tell him he had to go and that he'd just have to deal. Which is normal. But made me think that it'd end up being (what we call) a green bean thing. Force a kid to eat green beans, he'll never eat them again. Be supportive in him trying green beans and he may try them, and in A~'s case may grow to like them.
K~ didn't eat green beans until he was 28. (and he still won't touch canned ones)
So, this morning after I went to work K~ asked A~ if he wanted to go to school. A~ said "yes"! Then he said "I want to make you proud" (Awwww). K~ told him that he was proud even if he chose not to go. But he went and he sang, no tears. He looked very determined and even smiled once or twice.
He really is such a serious kid sometimes. He reminds me of me. And I think it's an only child thing. There's just too much time to think. Parents don't make good playmates, and there aren't any kids in our neighborhood. Plus, he's 5 I'm not going to let him run to a friends house anyway, even if there were kids. ME I was tooling around the neighborhood on my big wheel. I think I 'ran away' every week. Which was just a quick big wheel away to the park. Often I was hanging out at Mrs. Q's house eating doughnuts (I called her my adopted grandma) or waiting around in the yard for the mailman Gordy to bring me mail and hand me rubber bands from his big bag. Ahhh, the 1970's. People would toss moms in jail for half the crap I did alone as a kid! But then I'm sure the previous generation was thinking they were too over protective!
People my grandparent's generation probably wonder what the heck kids do nowadays, when do kids get to run wild? My parents never seemed to have adult supervision in the stories they tell. I should ask.
Anyway, I feel bad that A~ doesn't have a sibling to play or bug or teach or fight with. I know my life is a lot more 2 dimensional because I didn't grow up with a sibling (I have one, but I was 17 when he was born). No matter how hard you try, friends do not replace siblings.
Someday I hope our family will be 4 of us instead of 3.
House news: The doors are still beautiful! I am often found standing in the living room admiring the new front door, mumbling to myself "wow".
We did do actual work this weekend!
A~ went to Nana's, while K~ and I painted the office and bathroom.
NEXT UP: decluttering and a new kitchen floor.
And in trivial news; I'm addicted to a computer game, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. It's sad, I know.
I have a song going thru my head. Well, not so much a song but those 3 words, Ding Dong Ding. A~ had a little group recital at his Pre-k today. And oh what drama. The poor kid has developed a case of stage fright. Which is odd considering the fact that he performs "concerts" for us every day sometimes 2-3 times a day! Granted he doesn't sing, he dances, and it's just us. He dances to Gwen Stefani's "laya-laya-lah"(aka. Wind it up) or Sweet Escape these days. But he was so worried last night he was up with nightmares until about 3am. We first let him know that talking about it to his teacher would probably help a lot, I bet she's dealt with this before. Then when he was still worried and crying we assured him that if he would rather stay home it was OK. I hoped he'd go, and face his fears, but I didn't want to put pressure on the little guy. K~ being the dad, let me handle most of it, because his instinct was to tell him he had to go and that he'd just have to deal. Which is normal. But made me think that it'd end up being (what we call) a green bean thing. Force a kid to eat green beans, he'll never eat them again. Be supportive in him trying green beans and he may try them, and in A~'s case may grow to like them.
K~ didn't eat green beans until he was 28. (and he still won't touch canned ones)
So, this morning after I went to work K~ asked A~ if he wanted to go to school. A~ said "yes"! Then he said "I want to make you proud" (Awwww). K~ told him that he was proud even if he chose not to go. But he went and he sang, no tears. He looked very determined and even smiled once or twice.
He really is such a serious kid sometimes. He reminds me of me. And I think it's an only child thing. There's just too much time to think. Parents don't make good playmates, and there aren't any kids in our neighborhood. Plus, he's 5 I'm not going to let him run to a friends house anyway, even if there were kids. ME I was tooling around the neighborhood on my big wheel. I think I 'ran away' every week. Which was just a quick big wheel away to the park. Often I was hanging out at Mrs. Q's house eating doughnuts (I called her my adopted grandma) or waiting around in the yard for the mailman Gordy to bring me mail and hand me rubber bands from his big bag. Ahhh, the 1970's. People would toss moms in jail for half the crap I did alone as a kid! But then I'm sure the previous generation was thinking they were too over protective!
People my grandparent's generation probably wonder what the heck kids do nowadays, when do kids get to run wild? My parents never seemed to have adult supervision in the stories they tell. I should ask.
Anyway, I feel bad that A~ doesn't have a sibling to play or bug or teach or fight with. I know my life is a lot more 2 dimensional because I didn't grow up with a sibling (I have one, but I was 17 when he was born). No matter how hard you try, friends do not replace siblings.
Someday I hope our family will be 4 of us instead of 3.
House news: The doors are still beautiful! I am often found standing in the living room admiring the new front door, mumbling to myself "wow".
We did do actual work this weekend!
A~ went to Nana's, while K~ and I painted the office and bathroom.
NEXT UP: decluttering and a new kitchen floor.
And in trivial news; I'm addicted to a computer game, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. It's sad, I know.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
More Important things
On to more important things: We have been so slow at getting our home ready for sale. It's just that doing anything we need to do, which is mainly painting, during a MN winter is not really feasible. Paint drys sllllooooow in the cold. Plus it stinks and I need windows open. I know, excuses. But their good ones! What have we finished? Well, we laid new carpet in the master BR all by ourselves! Looks great! We switched the rooms around so that the MBR is the MBR not an office. A~ has what was the old MBR before the addition, which in my opinion is the best room in the house, lucky boy! He loves it! Then his old room will be an office, if we can paint it. I rearranged the living room and we bought a small entertainment center, the old one was a huge teak thing built for stereos in the 1950's I was always afraid it would collapse under the weight of our TV. But being the cheap (ahem, frugal) people we are we could never find the extra $ to replace it. And I'm so glad we did.
Today we got our new front entry/storm and mudroom storm doors installed! I have yet to see them in person, but K~ emailed me pics. It's a drastic change from the original 1950's dark solid wood door and (homeowner made) screen doors! I hope it's a good investment. I remember walking up to our house for the first time and thinking these doors are why it hasn't sold. (and why we got such a great deal on our house!)
Next on the list, painting, and more painting. We have to paint the office, the bathrooms (3 of them) the nasty 1950's cabinets, and the stairway. Then we need to replace the flooring in the kitchen and do some serious decluttering/packing up.
And on top of it we've been trying to conceive again, without drugs and Dr.s, so who knows, but we figure we may as well try since adoption's not possible at the moment. It's been difficult to not get hope up. It's been difficult to even try again, since the end of every cycle can be so disappointing. But I tell myself I am hopeful, not wishful. This month I wasn't feeling well and was 4 days late. But, I'm still hopeful, for next month.
K~ hasn't found a job yet. We're not sure how to tackle his getting a job since we'll hopefully be moving out of state. I think he should look into a national company where transfers would be easier. Heck, I'd transfer nearly anywhere!
We've been talking about and I've even been looking into living and working in VN for a year. That would be the best way to learn Vietnamese! Not to mention I love the food, most of the culture and K~ would really benefit from it (A~ and I would too of course)! The only thing I'm not sure I'd deal with well is the heat and humidity.
Today we got our new front entry/storm and mudroom storm doors installed! I have yet to see them in person, but K~ emailed me pics. It's a drastic change from the original 1950's dark solid wood door and (homeowner made) screen doors! I hope it's a good investment. I remember walking up to our house for the first time and thinking these doors are why it hasn't sold. (and why we got such a great deal on our house!)
Next on the list, painting, and more painting. We have to paint the office, the bathrooms (3 of them) the nasty 1950's cabinets, and the stairway. Then we need to replace the flooring in the kitchen and do some serious decluttering/packing up.
And on top of it we've been trying to conceive again, without drugs and Dr.s, so who knows, but we figure we may as well try since adoption's not possible at the moment. It's been difficult to not get hope up. It's been difficult to even try again, since the end of every cycle can be so disappointing. But I tell myself I am hopeful, not wishful. This month I wasn't feeling well and was 4 days late. But, I'm still hopeful, for next month.
K~ hasn't found a job yet. We're not sure how to tackle his getting a job since we'll hopefully be moving out of state. I think he should look into a national company where transfers would be easier. Heck, I'd transfer nearly anywhere!
We've been talking about and I've even been looking into living and working in VN for a year. That would be the best way to learn Vietnamese! Not to mention I love the food, most of the culture and K~ would really benefit from it (A~ and I would too of course)! The only thing I'm not sure I'd deal with well is the heat and humidity.
K? so I'm only human
I swear I will try to make this my last post regarding the AJ adoption!
Something just isn't sitting right with me. So I went on line to visit some boards and groups to see what the latest take was and to check into the AFTH agency. I'm a little disturbed at what I discovered. And not in an Oh My God way, but it did leave me wondering. The only things I will say is that they have been known to troll the groups, not a good thing IMHO. And the most troubling for me personally is their strict gag clause. For that alone I would never sign with them. As far as AJ's timeline, it may be within legal limits set forth in the decree, but it doesn't explain how her timeline matches the bare minimum. Since she only reportedly began this past summer, a time when agencies were being flooded with people from both Korea and China due to the changes in their policies and as a result timelines for agencies all over were doubling and tripling in wait time. We're not just talking people waiting for infants here either. While she adopted an older child, that is great, it still doesn't clear things up entirely for me. So, this leads me to taking the previous press release with a grain of salt. While I hope the PR was the truth, I am not naive enough to believe it entirely, I am more inclined to think it truthful (with bits of info left out).
I will stress again that the only reason I weigh in on this at all is because of the nature of VN's closure and the precarious position VN adoptions are in at the moment. Had it been 2 years from now when it's been proven that VN has surpassed the days of corruption that shut it down in the first place, I think I would simply chalk it up to sensationalism. However, currently VN adoptions have many of the same people in it post closure, as pre-closure, which raises eyebrows when talk of fast tracking and large sum donations come up, even if they are just rumor. Rumors do so much damage, but sometimes they help bring the truth out in the open.
Here's hoping that at the very least this whole thing will help other PAPs become more educated and committed to ethical adoptions.
And a tip for the next celebrity to adopt if you don't want a huge backlash, adopt from a well established ethical adoption agency (like Holt or the other big ones with huge lists precisely for their nearly undisputed reputation) and then adopt from a country with a history of ethical adoptions, like Korea or Taiwan, and possibly China (or the US!). Also, you should be prepared for eyes watching like hawks, there are a lot of people in line/in process before you and if that line even seems to part like the dead sea for you, this is what will happen. So, get ready and don't whine when people question, that too is a part of the process of adoption, or even childbirth and definitely parenting --answering questions. Believe me, I have a 5 year old, the questions never stop!!!
Something just isn't sitting right with me. So I went on line to visit some boards and groups to see what the latest take was and to check into the AFTH agency. I'm a little disturbed at what I discovered. And not in an Oh My God way, but it did leave me wondering. The only things I will say is that they have been known to troll the groups, not a good thing IMHO. And the most troubling for me personally is their strict gag clause. For that alone I would never sign with them. As far as AJ's timeline, it may be within legal limits set forth in the decree, but it doesn't explain how her timeline matches the bare minimum. Since she only reportedly began this past summer, a time when agencies were being flooded with people from both Korea and China due to the changes in their policies and as a result timelines for agencies all over were doubling and tripling in wait time. We're not just talking people waiting for infants here either. While she adopted an older child, that is great, it still doesn't clear things up entirely for me. So, this leads me to taking the previous press release with a grain of salt. While I hope the PR was the truth, I am not naive enough to believe it entirely, I am more inclined to think it truthful (with bits of info left out).
I will stress again that the only reason I weigh in on this at all is because of the nature of VN's closure and the precarious position VN adoptions are in at the moment. Had it been 2 years from now when it's been proven that VN has surpassed the days of corruption that shut it down in the first place, I think I would simply chalk it up to sensationalism. However, currently VN adoptions have many of the same people in it post closure, as pre-closure, which raises eyebrows when talk of fast tracking and large sum donations come up, even if they are just rumor. Rumors do so much damage, but sometimes they help bring the truth out in the open.
Here's hoping that at the very least this whole thing will help other PAPs become more educated and committed to ethical adoptions.
And a tip for the next celebrity to adopt if you don't want a huge backlash, adopt from a well established ethical adoption agency (like Holt or the other big ones with huge lists precisely for their nearly undisputed reputation) and then adopt from a country with a history of ethical adoptions, like Korea or Taiwan, and possibly China (or the US!). Also, you should be prepared for eyes watching like hawks, there are a lot of people in line/in process before you and if that line even seems to part like the dead sea for you, this is what will happen. So, get ready and don't whine when people question, that too is a part of the process of adoption, or even childbirth and definitely parenting --answering questions. Believe me, I have a 5 year old, the questions never stop!!!
Monday, March 19, 2007
At least someone is talking!
There has been an official press release in the A. Jolie adoption drama. Finally.
Here's the link to the press release .
An excerpt:
Here's the link to the press release .
An excerpt:
" WYNNEWOOD, Pa., March 16 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- Adoptions From The
Heart (AFTH), a licensed, non-profit adoption agency based in Wynnewood,
Pa., a suburb of Philadelphia, has announced that it worked with Angelina
Jolie to facilitate the adoption of 3-year-old Pax Thien from the Tam Binh
orphanage in Vietnam.
...Jolie followed the same procedures as all prospective adoptive
parents who apply to its Vietnam program.
"Throughout Ms. Jolie's adoption process, she received no preferential
treatment from the Vietnamese government or Adoptions From The Heart, and,
contrary to earlier reports, her application was not fast-tracked," said
Gonzalez. "
At least someone is talking. I hope that this is true and not just an attempt at covering asses, since I don't think any agency would admit to a fast-track (and there seems to be some contradictions with what Dr. Long has been Quoted as saying).
I have no reason to believe it isn't true. I hope and choose to believe it is.
And just in case no one reads the comments, I will say that I did not dig into Ms. Jolie's life (I do have better things to do!!) it just happens that our lives intersected in the world of international adoption, and specifically in the relatively small world of Viet Nam adoptions. I would not have been as emotional as I was had it been another country, as I do not know the specifics of each country. I do however have a lot of info on the usual process of adoption in VN. And if the rumors were to be true, it would have shaken me personally, as I have a personal stake in the basic process of VN adoptions being the same for each AP.
This is an excellent example of why I dislike secrets in general, people have active imaginations when left to their own devices. Myself included.
Now if only someone out there would be able to shed some light on the problems facing prospective adoptive parents. I'd be a happy woman.
I have no reason to believe it isn't true. I hope and choose to believe it is.
And just in case no one reads the comments, I will say that I did not dig into Ms. Jolie's life (I do have better things to do!!) it just happens that our lives intersected in the world of international adoption, and specifically in the relatively small world of Viet Nam adoptions. I would not have been as emotional as I was had it been another country, as I do not know the specifics of each country. I do however have a lot of info on the usual process of adoption in VN. And if the rumors were to be true, it would have shaken me personally, as I have a personal stake in the basic process of VN adoptions being the same for each AP.
This is an excellent example of why I dislike secrets in general, people have active imaginations when left to their own devices. Myself included.
Now if only someone out there would be able to shed some light on the problems facing prospective adoptive parents. I'd be a happy woman.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Part two of the letter, and mere ramblings
Hi,
So I was, and still am a bit emotional about adoption, admittedly. I have had some time to cool off and read the groups, there's a few very good discussions going on about this subject (the Jolie adoption) on at least 2 of the groups. Everyone has very good opinions, even if they may differ from my own. ;-)
I would like to say that I feel personally that if I were Angelina Jolie (AJ) and if I had gone through all of the usual things that we all go through to adopt, I personally would be angry at how adoptive parents are treated and I would let people know. I will always maintain that due diligence is very very important, but you will never be able to convince me that these fees are reasonable. That the hoops are all for the sole purpose of protecting children and not for profit.
Would I be happy to be fast tracked? Yes. Is it right. No. Would I do it, or would I simply state, no thank you? I don't know, I'll never be in that position. What I would hope that I'd do is educate myself, become aware, and with that I would make others aware of how muddled and exorbitant the adoption world has become. It came as a huge shock for us. And yes I admit I was filled with ideas of finding our child in a book of pictures or going to the orphanage and picking him/her out. When we were told we'd have nothing to do with that, the hugest part of the process, I was floored. Then there are the stories of things gone wrong. Many, many stories. Too many in my opinion for something that should be so closely regulated. There are great discrepancies. and what is the standard for agency workers, or owners? Those are questions I'd ask, if I had money and influence, because if I asked them now plain lil' old me, I'd fear for my adoption. Maybe it's paranoid but I bet the families who are in litigation right now understand exactly what I am worried about. I bet the families who one agency has put through the ringer, who when asked questions or voiced concerns were told they needed anger management and counseling, know why.
I think it's amazing the good that celebrities can do, if they choose. I think that it's great that AJ adopted. I don't begrudge her anything, her money and fame come with complications I'm sure I can't fathom, I am glad she has a family and glad for her that she has been able to do it without the complications I myself have experienced, I wouldn't wish a negative experience on anyone, although it may have sounded as though I do. I do have a lot of questions for those involved, not just her. She says she followed the rules, but I question the time lines. I really really wish that she had been more open in print, in a blog, in press releases, or in one single interview about her own process. I question whether things were done for her because of who she is, and without her knowledge (which is cutting her a lot of slack). I feel it is HER responsibility to know what the reality is, to not rely on the honesty of those she hires. I am supposed to know who I hire, I am supposed to know that the agency I choose has an ethical system in place here and in country. I have been told time and again by many an adoptive parent that we all owe it to each other to stick together to bring about change, that we all need to do our own digging and we all need to educate ourselves. Do I get a free pass if I donate to UNICEF? Do I get a free pass if I'm attractive? Do I get a free pass if I'm just too busy to bother with the research? Can I claim ignorance.
I do think that every single person who adopts becomes an ambassador for adoption whether you like it or not. It just happens that those who are in the public eye have more eyes watching.
It's hard to say that I absolutely wouldn't resent so many strangers wanting to know my time line, but it's fair to say I wouldn't since I started this blog! The entire reason I started this blog is that I want to show the good AND the bad. The bumps the ugly bits, everything. Because I felt soooo lost and still do sometimes, and if my vents, naivety, ramblings, sorrow and (hopefully ending with the) elation of bringing home a daughter, will help anyone feel like there's a kindred spirit out there and they are not crazy, then I have done what I set out to do.
I would like to add that this is not really entirely directed at AJ alone, I have always been irritated with celebrities who adopt. I wish that just one of them would tell the truth, and if it proves me wrong, if they get no special treatment, so be it!!! But at least they will have done it and they will begin to erase this adoption fantasy they portray. I was pissed at meg ryan when she adopted a girl from china out of the blue without ever letting anyone know after the fact that she waited 12-18 months for her (if in fact she did). Or Rosie O for touting the greatness of adoption without ever talking about the difficulties. Don't even get me started on Madonna. LOL! But my best guess is the reason they have never done these things is because they have never experienced them, so it isn't an issue for them. My story has very little in common with theirs. Hopefully the ending will be exactly the same.
So I was, and still am a bit emotional about adoption, admittedly. I have had some time to cool off and read the groups, there's a few very good discussions going on about this subject (the Jolie adoption) on at least 2 of the groups. Everyone has very good opinions, even if they may differ from my own. ;-)
I would like to say that I feel personally that if I were Angelina Jolie (AJ) and if I had gone through all of the usual things that we all go through to adopt, I personally would be angry at how adoptive parents are treated and I would let people know. I will always maintain that due diligence is very very important, but you will never be able to convince me that these fees are reasonable. That the hoops are all for the sole purpose of protecting children and not for profit.
Would I be happy to be fast tracked? Yes. Is it right. No. Would I do it, or would I simply state, no thank you? I don't know, I'll never be in that position. What I would hope that I'd do is educate myself, become aware, and with that I would make others aware of how muddled and exorbitant the adoption world has become. It came as a huge shock for us. And yes I admit I was filled with ideas of finding our child in a book of pictures or going to the orphanage and picking him/her out. When we were told we'd have nothing to do with that, the hugest part of the process, I was floored. Then there are the stories of things gone wrong. Many, many stories. Too many in my opinion for something that should be so closely regulated. There are great discrepancies. and what is the standard for agency workers, or owners? Those are questions I'd ask, if I had money and influence, because if I asked them now plain lil' old me, I'd fear for my adoption. Maybe it's paranoid but I bet the families who are in litigation right now understand exactly what I am worried about. I bet the families who one agency has put through the ringer, who when asked questions or voiced concerns were told they needed anger management and counseling, know why.
I think it's amazing the good that celebrities can do, if they choose. I think that it's great that AJ adopted. I don't begrudge her anything, her money and fame come with complications I'm sure I can't fathom, I am glad she has a family and glad for her that she has been able to do it without the complications I myself have experienced, I wouldn't wish a negative experience on anyone, although it may have sounded as though I do. I do have a lot of questions for those involved, not just her. She says she followed the rules, but I question the time lines. I really really wish that she had been more open in print, in a blog, in press releases, or in one single interview about her own process. I question whether things were done for her because of who she is, and without her knowledge (which is cutting her a lot of slack). I feel it is HER responsibility to know what the reality is, to not rely on the honesty of those she hires. I am supposed to know who I hire, I am supposed to know that the agency I choose has an ethical system in place here and in country. I have been told time and again by many an adoptive parent that we all owe it to each other to stick together to bring about change, that we all need to do our own digging and we all need to educate ourselves. Do I get a free pass if I donate to UNICEF? Do I get a free pass if I'm attractive? Do I get a free pass if I'm just too busy to bother with the research? Can I claim ignorance.
I do think that every single person who adopts becomes an ambassador for adoption whether you like it or not. It just happens that those who are in the public eye have more eyes watching.
It's hard to say that I absolutely wouldn't resent so many strangers wanting to know my time line, but it's fair to say I wouldn't since I started this blog! The entire reason I started this blog is that I want to show the good AND the bad. The bumps the ugly bits, everything. Because I felt soooo lost and still do sometimes, and if my vents, naivety, ramblings, sorrow and (hopefully ending with the) elation of bringing home a daughter, will help anyone feel like there's a kindred spirit out there and they are not crazy, then I have done what I set out to do.
I would like to add that this is not really entirely directed at AJ alone, I have always been irritated with celebrities who adopt. I wish that just one of them would tell the truth, and if it proves me wrong, if they get no special treatment, so be it!!! But at least they will have done it and they will begin to erase this adoption fantasy they portray. I was pissed at meg ryan when she adopted a girl from china out of the blue without ever letting anyone know after the fact that she waited 12-18 months for her (if in fact she did). Or Rosie O for touting the greatness of adoption without ever talking about the difficulties. Don't even get me started on Madonna. LOL! But my best guess is the reason they have never done these things is because they have never experienced them, so it isn't an issue for them. My story has very little in common with theirs. Hopefully the ending will be exactly the same.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Dear Ms. Jolie,
I can remain quiet no longer.
I have been reading news reports about your adoption pending in Viet Nam. I have been holding off any judgement or opinion spouting until I hear as many facts as I can. Today I hear you are in VN to adopt your little boy, and that you will have the GR ceremony on Thursday. Granted as I have not talked to you, this is all hearsay. However if it is true it saddens and angers me. You see we have been hoping to adopt from VN as well, a process we began in April of last year. My husband was born there and it is the only way we can add to our family, as I'm unable to conceive. You however as far as I know have no other reason to adopt other than "you just want to". We may differ in our opinions on adoption. I do not see Mia Farrow as a role model for parenting, maybe you do. I do not believe that going into adoption with the intent to rescue or simply to provide better means are good enough reasons to pluck someone out of their country of origin and surround them with odd looking faces, not to mention the added stresses of living in the shadow of a parent's celebrity. No, I don't think I will be rescuing a child, nor do I think that by my family becoming an adoptive family that we are setting a precedent that others should follow. I don't think that a blended family is the best family, I don't think that I will be able to provide the best home for a child. I simply felt in my heart that this is the best that we can make of a less than ideal situation. It's not ideal that we cannot have our own child, and it is tragic that any child be born to a family that is unable to care for it, even more tragic when that child is also born in a country too ill equipped and too poor to be able to care for children given up.
Here we are already a Vietnamese American family hoping to adopt, and that choice has led us to the country of my husbands birth. We do have one child already, and yes we could stop there, but being an only child myself I have never ever imagined only having one, there's so much to learn from a sibling. Believe me I have considered not adopting. Staying a 3 person family. And we may just end up doing that. Our adoption has been wrought with complication from the beginning, unlike any of yours(I assume). The latest of which was when my husband lost his job and we are now having to sell our home. Not to mention the road to adoption was a long rough one involving things I told myself I'd never do, like take shots in the thigh to stimulate ovulation.
We all do a lot of things to have a family, we do things we'd never dream of. However, we need to stop and think where do I stop? You may want to have 10 kids, but at what point does having or adopting kids become not about the children but about feeding a need in yourself? When does a self-less act become selfish? I personally think it starts when you amass a collection, as opposed to a family. And it's beginning to look like a collection. It's beginning to sound like a collection too when you speak of your family. Needing matching genetics so that each feels welcome. Well, you should have thought of that before, not after. There are so many many families trying to adopt from VN right now, that child would not have gone long in that orphanage, there would be a loving family for him at any time. You did not rescue him. You did him no favors. Unless of course he was a 'waiting child' with disabilities, in which case I would commend you, but as far as I can tell he is not. You have more money than most and WOULD be able to provide great services for the child that even another family may not be able to. But they could. And that's my point, as an adoptive parent you need to be humble and realize that you did no favors and don't assume that had you not adopted him he'd be languishing somewhere.
Did you know that the average wait time for a child is months after your dossier is sent to the DIA, not weeks Ms. Jolie. And that the average time to travel is 4-6 weeks after approval, not days Ms. Jolie. And that average time in country is 2 weeks, not 5 days Ms. Jolie. Also, we the average adoptive parent are NOT ALLOWED to visit orphanages in order to procure a child Ms. Jolie, our children are chosen for us by strangers in a room by committee.
Now, Ms. Jolie I need to state that ignorance is no excuse, I've read enough to know that you have and could be very educated if you'd only try. So unless and until you start educating yourself on the rights (there are few to none) of adoptive parents and advocating for Us the adoptive parents who have to wait, go nearly bankrupt and jump through hoops you have apparently never even seen, I will not see a movie you or your partner are in, I will not donate to a charity you represent, I will not buy a Magazine you are on.
So, Ms. Jolie, please join the yahoo groups I will list here and read, read as much as you can, there has been so much posted on the trials adoptive parents face when adopting, it's is not sunshine and roses, it is not a glorious and joyous process, it's trying and often heartbreaking, soul searching work. I'd take pregnancy and child birth over it any day (on the pain and annoyance scale). So the fact that you are willing and able to adopt so soon after giving birth leads me to believe that you have had nothing near an average process. And that is your own fault for choosing to remain ignorant of the REAL process of adoption.
Good luck, God bless, and I hope that you do all that you can to right the wrongs perpetrated by the "trend" of celebrity adoption you are part of.
Feel free to reply.
The Barlow Family
Yahoo groups:
a-parents-Vietnam (APV) : the main 'go to' group for VN adoptive parents
LovingVietnamschildren :a very active group of adoptive and adopting parents
VietnamTravelTalk : for the issues/questions of traveling to VN to get your child
Adoption_Agency_Research (AAR) : excellent, especially if you search the archives and learn why VN was shut down in the first place. Reading the files on adoptions gone wrong is an eye opener.
Discuss_IAT : discussion for adopting parents, good for info and many adoptees post as well.
I have been reading news reports about your adoption pending in Viet Nam. I have been holding off any judgement or opinion spouting until I hear as many facts as I can. Today I hear you are in VN to adopt your little boy, and that you will have the GR ceremony on Thursday. Granted as I have not talked to you, this is all hearsay. However if it is true it saddens and angers me. You see we have been hoping to adopt from VN as well, a process we began in April of last year. My husband was born there and it is the only way we can add to our family, as I'm unable to conceive. You however as far as I know have no other reason to adopt other than "you just want to". We may differ in our opinions on adoption. I do not see Mia Farrow as a role model for parenting, maybe you do. I do not believe that going into adoption with the intent to rescue or simply to provide better means are good enough reasons to pluck someone out of their country of origin and surround them with odd looking faces, not to mention the added stresses of living in the shadow of a parent's celebrity. No, I don't think I will be rescuing a child, nor do I think that by my family becoming an adoptive family that we are setting a precedent that others should follow. I don't think that a blended family is the best family, I don't think that I will be able to provide the best home for a child. I simply felt in my heart that this is the best that we can make of a less than ideal situation. It's not ideal that we cannot have our own child, and it is tragic that any child be born to a family that is unable to care for it, even more tragic when that child is also born in a country too ill equipped and too poor to be able to care for children given up.
Here we are already a Vietnamese American family hoping to adopt, and that choice has led us to the country of my husbands birth. We do have one child already, and yes we could stop there, but being an only child myself I have never ever imagined only having one, there's so much to learn from a sibling. Believe me I have considered not adopting. Staying a 3 person family. And we may just end up doing that. Our adoption has been wrought with complication from the beginning, unlike any of yours(I assume). The latest of which was when my husband lost his job and we are now having to sell our home. Not to mention the road to adoption was a long rough one involving things I told myself I'd never do, like take shots in the thigh to stimulate ovulation.
We all do a lot of things to have a family, we do things we'd never dream of. However, we need to stop and think where do I stop? You may want to have 10 kids, but at what point does having or adopting kids become not about the children but about feeding a need in yourself? When does a self-less act become selfish? I personally think it starts when you amass a collection, as opposed to a family. And it's beginning to look like a collection. It's beginning to sound like a collection too when you speak of your family. Needing matching genetics so that each feels welcome. Well, you should have thought of that before, not after. There are so many many families trying to adopt from VN right now, that child would not have gone long in that orphanage, there would be a loving family for him at any time. You did not rescue him. You did him no favors. Unless of course he was a 'waiting child' with disabilities, in which case I would commend you, but as far as I can tell he is not. You have more money than most and WOULD be able to provide great services for the child that even another family may not be able to. But they could. And that's my point, as an adoptive parent you need to be humble and realize that you did no favors and don't assume that had you not adopted him he'd be languishing somewhere.
Did you know that the average wait time for a child is months after your dossier is sent to the DIA, not weeks Ms. Jolie. And that the average time to travel is 4-6 weeks after approval, not days Ms. Jolie. And that average time in country is 2 weeks, not 5 days Ms. Jolie. Also, we the average adoptive parent are NOT ALLOWED to visit orphanages in order to procure a child Ms. Jolie, our children are chosen for us by strangers in a room by committee.
Now, Ms. Jolie I need to state that ignorance is no excuse, I've read enough to know that you have and could be very educated if you'd only try. So unless and until you start educating yourself on the rights (there are few to none) of adoptive parents and advocating for Us the adoptive parents who have to wait, go nearly bankrupt and jump through hoops you have apparently never even seen, I will not see a movie you or your partner are in, I will not donate to a charity you represent, I will not buy a Magazine you are on.
So, Ms. Jolie, please join the yahoo groups I will list here and read, read as much as you can, there has been so much posted on the trials adoptive parents face when adopting, it's is not sunshine and roses, it is not a glorious and joyous process, it's trying and often heartbreaking, soul searching work. I'd take pregnancy and child birth over it any day (on the pain and annoyance scale). So the fact that you are willing and able to adopt so soon after giving birth leads me to believe that you have had nothing near an average process. And that is your own fault for choosing to remain ignorant of the REAL process of adoption.
Good luck, God bless, and I hope that you do all that you can to right the wrongs perpetrated by the "trend" of celebrity adoption you are part of.
Feel free to reply.
The Barlow Family
Yahoo groups:
a-parents-Vietnam (APV) : the main 'go to' group for VN adoptive parents
LovingVietnamschildren :a very active group of adoptive and adopting parents
VietnamTravelTalk : for the issues/questions of traveling to VN to get your child
Adoption_Agency_Research (AAR) : excellent, especially if you search the archives and learn why VN was shut down in the first place. Reading the files on adoptions gone wrong is an eye opener.
Discuss_IAT : discussion for adopting parents, good for info and many adoptees post as well.
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