It's been ummm... Interesting?

Hi all in bloggerland.
This ride that began with the hope of an adoption has been a life changing experience. I have learned to love a country so far from my own, and in spite of the negative representation its culture (read: my in-laws) has had in my personal life. I am so happy that I followed my heart and it led me to Viet Nam. I am grateful that I have connected to 1/2 of my son's heritage and I know that someday we will visit, I hope someday we will also welcome a sibling from VN as well. Unfortunately it will not be the way I'd hoped.
My entire world crumbled yesterday. Our marriage had cracks, what marriage doesn't, but it just shattered. All it took was 3 words. I am at this moment in shock. I thought K~ had been having emotional issues, family issues, or a mid-life crisis. I've been trying to be supportive, helpful, accommodating. I never brought up the adoption because I didn't want him to concentrate on that, when he needed to concentrate on his own issues. A~ and I went without sooo much. I thought the only thing I needed from him was some support in return. Little did I know.
If I had a time machine...
Now things are falling into place, all of the questions being answered. Well if I ever wanted "that one thing" to end it he gave it to me on a silver platter. I've been on the phone to clinics and lawyers all night and all morning.
Hopefully this is a karmic cleansing. Like being re-born.

This is the last post to this blog.

My best wishes and thanks to you all that have stopped by and those who have given input. At somepoint in the future I will probably blog again, about life - new life, and I'll post a link.

Thanks and Smooth speedy adoptions to you all!

Fear and loathing in Minneapolis or...

the one where I write about God.
I'm not one to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, convictions maybe, but faith is much more personal. As many an adoption blogger has said before me, this process tests everything about you. I only recall feeling like this once before in my life; wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over the outcome. That was when we were trying to conceive A-, the only thing I had was faith that somehow after all we had done and were doing that we'd be happy with the outcome. I could not stipulate any terms, I could not reason with anyone to get what I so desperately wanted (not that I didn't try). I had to go on pure faith to keep me together.
I don't go to church much, I believe that God is where you need him, I did pray and have been praying. And I do believe with all of my heart that the only reason I have A- is because I had to give up controlling the outcome.(something I did not relinquish easily) I am struggling with this again, I clearly have control issues, hahaha. There is a feeling that keeps me going, I can't put my finger on it yet, but I think it feels like hope.
I think it's important to have some sort of faith, it does give me hope and may help with the letting go of control part all PAPs have to do.
In my own personal struggle of faith I have found that I have used it as a convenient excuse to not be actively involved in my own life. I call it the 'if it was meant to be' syndrome. I have since found a book that resonates with me, Fearless Living. If anyone has watched daytime TV you may remember Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. The first season was great, but it sort of tanked after that. Anyway, I bought her book and it has helped so much. Now instead of using 'meant to be' to mean I do nothing and pray it was meant to be, allowing my fear to keep me stuck in place, I continue to keep taking steps toward my goal. Knowing now that the only way it could be 'meant to be' is if I find enough value in it to do something. This may sound so simple to many people, but for some reason it was what I needed to hear. My faith in the outcome keeps me from going crazy. There are so many things in this process that scare me and learning to deal with that fear in a way that doesn't stop me from going forward has been one of the things I'm most proud of.
I worry, I come from a long line of worriers. So controlling fear and worry is a very big task!