Fear and loathing in Minneapolis or...

the one where I write about God.
I'm not one to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, convictions maybe, but faith is much more personal. As many an adoption blogger has said before me, this process tests everything about you. I only recall feeling like this once before in my life; wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over the outcome. That was when we were trying to conceive A-, the only thing I had was faith that somehow after all we had done and were doing that we'd be happy with the outcome. I could not stipulate any terms, I could not reason with anyone to get what I so desperately wanted (not that I didn't try). I had to go on pure faith to keep me together.
I don't go to church much, I believe that God is where you need him, I did pray and have been praying. And I do believe with all of my heart that the only reason I have A- is because I had to give up controlling the outcome.(something I did not relinquish easily) I am struggling with this again, I clearly have control issues, hahaha. There is a feeling that keeps me going, I can't put my finger on it yet, but I think it feels like hope.
I think it's important to have some sort of faith, it does give me hope and may help with the letting go of control part all PAPs have to do.
In my own personal struggle of faith I have found that I have used it as a convenient excuse to not be actively involved in my own life. I call it the 'if it was meant to be' syndrome. I have since found a book that resonates with me, Fearless Living. If anyone has watched daytime TV you may remember Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. The first season was great, but it sort of tanked after that. Anyway, I bought her book and it has helped so much. Now instead of using 'meant to be' to mean I do nothing and pray it was meant to be, allowing my fear to keep me stuck in place, I continue to keep taking steps toward my goal. Knowing now that the only way it could be 'meant to be' is if I find enough value in it to do something. This may sound so simple to many people, but for some reason it was what I needed to hear. My faith in the outcome keeps me from going crazy. There are so many things in this process that scare me and learning to deal with that fear in a way that doesn't stop me from going forward has been one of the things I'm most proud of.
I worry, I come from a long line of worriers. So controlling fear and worry is a very big task!