Who knew one little piece of paper.....

Could make me so nervous anxious and bored?
I had forgotten to make my appointment to get my Dr. to fill out this little yellow piece of paper saying I am in good health. So last week I made the appointment and today was the day. I've been stressing all week about it because there's this question, "has patient ever been treated or diagnosed for mental illness, depression etc.?". Well, that is a very broad general statement to me. I mean to go from depression to mental illness is quite a jump, and not a good one. I say that because while I was going thru all the infertility, the long weeks and months of waiting I did worry I was getting depressed and I spoke to my Dr. about it and she prescribed Prozac. (the wonder drug?) Anyway, I never took it, still have the bottle in my cupboard somewhere. And I have dealt with depression in my early 20's but it's not something I feel should permanently stigmatize me for life. I worried that the Dr. would somehow see me being proactive as some sort of admission or diagnosis of a mental illness. That whole mental illness label is so broad and misleading. Too broad. It's a double edged sword too, on the one hand you feel vindicated when after months of not feeling 'right' you have this free pass of an official mental illness, "see I told you something's wrong! THEY say so!" but when it comes to the outside world, getting a job or in my case adopting, it's this huge weight, this albatross you want to explain. You feel attacked, you feel defensive "hey I'm not ill, I'm normal, I'm just aware of my mental health and I ask for help when I need it! That makes me more sane and clearheaded than most of you!". Do I think depression is dangerous? Yes, it can be. But 95% or more people who have called themselves depressed are not "mentally ill", they are in need of help in the form of counseling and the support of family and friends. For most that's all they need. Besides, what mom or parent for that matter doesn't get depressed at the thought of carpools, seeing your next r-rated film in a theater in 10 years, or having romance take place after 9 pm?

Back to the Dr.'s office, I waited and waited, 35 minutes in a paper gown to be exact. Then I got dressed and was almost out the door when the Dr. came in. I only had time to speak with her about the paperwork (Gee, bummer guess I'll reschedule that annual for uh, next year) she was very nice about it. And thank God she was on the same page as me and feels most people she sees that are depressed are not mentally ill. Meaning it will not affect their ability to be parents.
My gripe is that the adoption agency makes me feel like I am being attacked, and they do not adequately explain their needs. I suppose they do that so we'll vomit out all this potentially incriminating stuff. I wonder how many good parents are ruled out by this? Or maybe it's just not a big deal at all and I'm just hyper sensitive to anything that could potentially leave me without the possibility of a daughter.
It's probably a little of both.

I hope this counts as work. ;-) Since I'm at work. But it's a paper and this is news-media isn't it?

By the way I named my blog 'January hopes' because I hope that by January we will be bringing our daughter home.