My son and I went and dropped off the paperwork! I forgot to drop off the all important check, ooops! So, I mailed it. I think that while we are waiting for the home study I am going to start gathering paperwork I assume we'll need for the government. For instance I need a passport, so I'll get that. And while I'm at it I'll get more official copies of birth certificates and such. Hopefully that'll help speed things along.
After we did that we went to Target and browsed the clearance racks and we found the cutest little dress for our little girl! So we bought it! It took me a long time to commit to buying it, it was a very strange feeling, to say the least.


It's admitting in a way that I have this empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by this little person who may not even exist yet. It feels good to admit that. It's finally allowing myself to feel something, since I've been doing everything I can for the last however many years to deny it, or put off feeling hopeful. It's been my self preservation hard at work. The whole process of infertility seems so endless, so every month I tried (in vain) to pretend that I was going with the flow and not stressing. I'd be trying to fool myself into believing that it was this month, or this month, or this.... it never was. Each month I felt like the ability to hope, or be hopeful, was being smothered. That's why I had to stop. I need to be hopeful, I need to be optomistic, that's the kind of person I've always been and this tourture was killing that. I find now that I have to relearn in some ways how to be hopeful. Relearn how to be optomistic. I'm still stressed, just in another way. And it does remind me very much of being pregnant. The feeling of this all important task being essentially out of your hands, and yet you're so involved in it. I think I am going thru some sort of hormone thing too, whether it's because of the after effects of medication, I do not know. It's there though.
A side note, since this whole adoption thing is new to us, and our families I'm finding that there are misconceptions about adoptive parents I've never thought about. One thing I think we are running into now is the money issue. We feel the need to justify our adoption to others. Like we need to explain away a purchase of a boat or vacation or convertable car in Minnesota. As if people think the adoption is a frivolous choice and if we 'have the money' to adopt, or we 'choose' to adopt then why are we asking for help? We have a son, can't we just be happy? We find ourselves going thru the entire thought process and medical reasoning behind our need to adopt. Notice I say NEED not CHOICE. Because it is a need, for our family to feel complete we need to adopt. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever invision having an only child. I have however thought often about adoption, even as a teenager I did. I didn't realize that I'd feel the need to justify doing what we feel is right for our family! Or explain it. I NEVER had to explain why I wanted to get pregnant!! In fact I probably had to explain more why I didn't get pregnant SOONER! So to those that love us, or those who know someone who is adopting or thinking of it, please don't question why. Just remember that they have the ability and need to love, and love is not descriminating, do you need to know anymore than that?