It's been depressing

All of this waiting, has been getting to me. On top of it they are now saying the referral will take 4 times as long as they had first thought. I'm trying hard not to think of that now. I just keep going day to day. I read a blog where women post about their post baby bodies, their battle scarred bodies. It was relieving in a way because I have one of those battle scarred bellies, from my son. I'm still not used to it. Of course I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought him into this world. The sight of these baby bellies made me incredibly sad too. Because I'll never have that again. And even tho I have come to terms with it, I'll never ever fully extinguish the yearning for it. And that's something I can never admit out loud because women pity you for it. It's so sad that when I need the understanding of a woman more than any other time, I cannot share it because it's something most women can't understand, unless they've gone thru it. If they haven't I just end up feeling pitied. I need comfort not pity.
And this blog, this anonymous blog. It helps, somewhat, if I don't care that no one reads it. Why does it help to pretend you're telling someone your problems? Well it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I'm kind of alone in this process. And everyone else who has an adoption blog or site seems so happy go lucky to me, so even there I feel somewhat alone too. My mom has been helpful, she's listened to my bitching, and she's not made me feel pitied. I have run into women to whom this in ability to conceive/adoption thing is foreign, those who'd sneeze and get pregnant. And so their reaction I think comes out as guilt and superiority all at once, which ends up as pity. I've tried not to let it get to me, this happened when we were having problems conceiving before too, all the "well meaning" pep talks and pity filled glances.
We have our adoption classes this week. Classes to adopt, how ironic. Never took a class to conceive, maybe I should've. Never had to explain wanting to be pregnant either.
next topic...
My car died, well almost, it was on it's way out. So we bought a new-to-us car. Got a good deal, and we love it so that's great. The timing sort of sucks, now on top of all the $ for adoption we now have a car payment. It was either a car payment or shell out more and more $ to keep my car running. And I'll admit, hearing that the adoption was going to take 4x longer was a big part of just saying F* it lets get a car. Baby, car- Baby, car, not at all the same. I'd rather have the baby, but I'll take the car, for now. (besides we can't be toting two beautiful kids in some beater, can we?)
We've decided on a name for her, it's a secret, for now (no stealing!). And she's amassing quite a wardrobe. Love clearance shopping! I'm still trying to limit myself, but I find it hard to pass up some of the cute summer dresses. I am pretty happy with the normal color to pink colored clothes ratio I have going on. I will not dress her in all pink all the time, I'd go nuts! I need my black in there somewhere!

Well if someone read this, thanks for 'listening'

TTFN.....