Views of a Family

can't keep a blogger down...

2007-07-08T00:12:00.000-05:00

I'm writing again, albeit sporadically I am guessing.
Thank you to the well wishers, and supporters, because it has helped So Very much.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank You.

*******EDITED TO REMOVE LINK*******

It's been ummm... Interesting?

2007-06-14T11:55:00.000-05:00

Hi all in bloggerland.
This ride that began with the hope of an adoption has been a life changing experience. I have learned to love a country so far from my own, and in spite of the negative representation its culture (read: my in-laws) has had in my personal life. I am so happy that I followed my heart and it led me to Viet Nam. I am grateful that I have connected to 1/2 of my son's heritage and I know that someday we will visit, I hope someday we will also welcome a sibling from VN as well. Unfortunately it will not be the way I'd hoped.
My entire world crumbled yesterday. Our marriage had cracks, what marriage doesn't, but it just shattered. All it took was 3 words. I am at this moment in shock. I thought K~ had been having emotional issues, family issues, or a mid-life crisis. I've been trying to be supportive, helpful, accommodating. I never brought up the adoption because I didn't want him to concentrate on that, when he needed to concentrate on his own issues. A~ and I went without sooo much. I thought the only thing I needed from him was some support in return. Little did I know.
If I had a time machine...
Now things are falling into place, all of the questions being answered. Well if I ever wanted "that one thing" to end it he gave it to me on a silver platter. I've been on the phone to clinics and lawyers all night and all morning.
Hopefully this is a karmic cleansing. Like being re-born.

This is the last post to this blog.

My best wishes and thanks to you all that have stopped by and those who have given input. At somepoint in the future I will probably blog again, about life - new life, and I'll post a link.

Thanks and Smooth speedy adoptions to you all!

House for sale, a house for sale!

2007-06-03T14:11:00.000-05:00

We've had 7 or 8 people through our house, no buyers yet. The housing market is so dismal around here that buyers think, and therefore actually do, have no time line. Because NO ONE is buying! Our realtor (Ed) stopped by yesterday to discuss whether or not we need to drop the price to get more activity. He said he just can't be sure, in his 30 some years he has never seen such a market. He said that his clients that are looking are really ~~arrogant~~ picky. He said he's been very busy running around showing houses but that he has yet to close on a house this season. They are all looking for the "perfect" house at the cheapest price and feel in no rush. Which I guess since it seems all buyers don't seem to be in a rush, they don't need to be in a rush, yet. I blame the media. ;-)
So, I guess we're going to keep the price till it sells. We're not over priced by any means, and would accept any reasonable offer. Ed also thinks that staying at this price is fine, since there's been no mention by the people through that the price was out of whack. They have had the weirdest critiques though! For instance, we live in an older neighborhood, mature trees, parks, great school down the street, and the location is awesome. The houses were built in the 1950s and the majority are ramblers that have one car garages and galley style kitchens. One person through said they were considering our house but they didn't like the kitchen or the garage, but they love the neighborhood! Uh? Have ya looked around here? They ALL have one car garages and galley kitchens! The weirdest was, the woman loved the upstairs, the layout, and the use of space (?) but she thought the basement was too dark. Wha?! It's a BASEMENT!?(and all the walls are painted white!) That is so strange. Maybe we need a Plexiglas ceiling in the basement to let some light in?
I just don't understand the mentality. When we were looking both for this house and our first house we wanted unfinished stuff, so we could do it ourselves and build instant equity by doing even small things. And honestly I think that wanting a perfect house with nothing to do to it in this market is a little foolish, back when we bought our homes you got instant equity without lifting a finger because the market kept going up so much. Now the market is stagnant and in order to get equity you need to do work for it. So seems to me you'd be better off with a house that needs some cosmetics, than one that's "perfect".

All I can say right now is that (if this is a karmic thing) to anyone who has ever wished bad upon me, or who I've pissed off, okay okay. Uncle. And sure I'll take it, I'll deal with it. But man, this has been rough. In some weird way this may end up being the best thing to ever happen to us, because it's stripped us to the core. Things have a way of revealing themselves and resolving huge issues. I have never been this far down, and hope I never will be again, but it has given me what I needed, a new perspective. I know there are many things I will never do again, and many others I will do differently. Especially how I relate to money!!!

My new addiction is myspace, yeah I'm a little late on the bandwagon, but I'm not on it for the social aspects, I have accepted my social ineptitude. I loooooooove listening to music on there, there are so many unsigned amazing bands and some really weird stuff too. Love it.

WAY off topic? or PURE FLUFF!

2007-05-25T22:47:00.000-05:00

I have no good news to report, but I feel really bad about neglecting the blog so I have decided to be utterly ridiculous and chime in on pop culture. It's sad when you have nothing to write about but the goings on at The View. Any whoooo....So I read tonight that Rosie is leaving the view, or rather not returning to the view after her "day off" to "celebrate" her wife's b-day. I think she took the day off from fighting, my guess, just so happens that Kelly had a b-day. I don't blame her. My feelings about Rosie, well I loved her show when she had it on, until about the last season or two, when it seemed things got icky. Have no idea why, just seemed like she wasn't having fun and got kinda I don't know, angry, defensive? Having your opinions picked apart would do that to many I am guessing. Especially opinions you have real strong love and conviction for. When she was hired at "The View" I was skeptical. I wasn't sure who they'd be getting, the funny one or the angry one. I have to say that I was impressed by her, although I don't share all of her opinions, I respected most of them and thought that for the most part she respected others' opinions more than I would have thought she would. I guess I was surprised that she played nice with the other kids as much as she did, and I grew to really like her being on a show again. Now, I have never been a big fan of Elizabeth Hassel(something) lets say EH it's easier. I felt that she came across as republican for republican's sake, not informed and well thought out, and she didn't seem to be one to seek out differing views to make educated decisions. I am not republican, may never be republican, but I can respect someone who has differing views, if they can back them up. Don't just say "so and so says", do the research to be able to form an opinion. I never got the feeling EH did much of that. It seems more like my Dad says..., my husband says..., so therefore __. Prior to Rosie being on the show EH was an annoying gnat, and the other women would just swat her comments out the window, they'd change the subject, they'd move along. When Rosie came on she challenged EH and asked her to substantiate her opinions with something. THAT was interesting! That made EH more interesting! That gave EH a voice! Not one I agree with but, I can respect her opinion more now than I ever would have when she was just a gnat(a really annoying one). So the big blow out, I saw it on youtube, and I saw the thing that started it too. Personally I think they both have points. I think that Rosie didn't clarify enough, and by now she should know how this world works, unfortunately if you give them an opening they'll take it and twist it, she needs to work on choosing words that give less to work with. She left a grand canyon sized quote for them to work with in terms of how widely they could misinterpret things(but the people that did are a**holes for skewing her intentions). And EH shouldn't have to defend Rosie's words, but she should be able to tell her friend whether or not she feels that what was said by others was an accurate representation of Rosie's meaning. And that sadly enough was something EH wouldn't do. In that moment I felt so sorry for Rosie, like she needs it, but I did. In that moment it seemed as though all of her insecurities were right there on her sleeve, and in my opinion EH seemed to take advantage, maybe it was an in the heat of the moment thing. Maybe it was getting back at Rosie for being so vocal and challenging? Who knows. But it was sad that they didn't go to commercial break to give those women a time out!
I have a friend like EH and while I am no Rosie by any means, I am democrat and I do get pretty passionate about politics. My friend is not passionate, and has not done research to back up her opinions, and while I love her dearly I do not respect her political opinions because of this and therefore refuse to speak to her about politics. I do however respect her as a person. I cannot change her mind and she cannot change mine, to get into even the smallest political debate is dangerous. So we agreed way early on to not talk about it.
Rosie and EH should have done the same. Unless of course they thought they could weather that, which is IMHO overly optimistic. As close as I am to my friend I wouldn't chance it. It was so odd watching the 2 of them argue! ugh. I just imagine how difficult it'd be to say... have a fight put on youtube and played over and over, or some bored woman talking about it on her silly blog. But I'm not on TV! And I think that both of them are brave for putting their opinions out there, even risking whatever friendship they may have. They're both on waaaaayy opposite ends of the teeter totter though aren't they? I will miss Rosie being on The View. She was outspoken and loud and in the end very genuine, human, and likable. I think that EH should thank her for giving her a voice she would have never ever had, had Rosie not challenged her. Which in the end made EH more likable too. Even though she's WRONG! ;-)

Those people that challenge us are the people we learn the most from.

I need a little what makes me happy...
What makes me happy today:
*Butterflies chasing each other in the back yard
*A~'s Pre-K journal! Hilarious!
*Hilarity: as in "that's just hilarity!" an A~ ism.
*That K~ took A~ to the Dr. and I got to hang out and chat with mom.

optimistically pessimistic

2007-05-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

Hi there, Hope all has been well in blog land.
Things are going here. How well depends on the hour, the day and the mail. I haven't written much lately because I've been hoping that I could be more upbeat, and silver lining about all of this. I am trying. And I am usually perpetually optimistic. The past 2 years, but especially the last year has been a huge test for my optimism. So the latest development, and I'm sorry but it's not the silver lining I was hoping for, is that our city has implemented a new ordinance to comply with watershed issues, it was enacted on Jan 1st I believe and it requires all homes that are being sold to undergo a point of sale sewer inspection. We're now looking at a bill for between 6 to 10 thousand dollars to replace our entire line out to the street. I had been under the impression that this was to be a typical inspection like those in other communities looking to eliminate sewer run off and therefore eliminate the surcharges they are given by the treatment facility. In other cities it's as simple as making sure no one has illegal sump pump or drain tile hookups, in our city they are being IMHO very anal. They have hit us with a no compliance for tree roots and an old pipe that connects to NOTHING. But even if they aren't being anal and this needs to be done, the city has absolutely nothing in place to help those of us who are unable to pay. My mom wants to sell her home too, eventually, because they've raised the taxes so much and she's been disabled for the past 14 years so she cannot afford the costs of living in her nearly paid off home! What will she do!? She can't afford to take out a loan, and no one would approve her! She's not selling for profit, she'd be selling because she HAS to! Like us, we're selling because we HAVE to, we have no 401k left to borrow from (a suggestion by a council member), we can't afford to live here so we're not going to take out a home equity loan, so what then?
Ugh. Rich people. We live in a pretty well off city, but it's a city with a variety of homes and variety of people, that's why we liked it. But the council has acted as though everyone has the same income as they do and they see absolutely no problem with expecting us to foot the entire 10 grand. Oooooh, reading the minutes of the city council's meetings is infuriating! Plus, they could have signed up for a program through the Mpls council that would have reimbursed them for work done, $5,000 per private lateral line, and they could have passed that $ on to the homeowner to offset costs. But either they didn't- leaving us in the lurch, or they did- and are pocketing the rebate. They also tore up our yard and streets last year to replace them and the main sewers all the while knowing that this was coming, and they didn't even warn us! At the very least they could have voted to figure it into a home owner's street assessment(which I believe they are now thinking of doing for the last remaining few streets left). They knew this was happening for over 2 years!
Anyhow, we are most likely going to have to go to a city council meeting and speak. It's so utterly ridiculous I have no words. Except to call the council members pompous asses! Which I won't to their faces, but will gladly do under my breath.
Money, I HATE money. All of this, my life is revolving around money. It's enough to make me go be a hermit and eat tree bark.

Ahhhh at least I still have remnants of my sarcastic sense of humor.

So if things come in 3s am I done yet?

2007-05-11T16:43:00.000-05:00

Is it bad that I have become used to the feeling of having either the rug pulled out from under me or being punched in the gut? (just let me wallow for a bit)
Today I got a phone call from my boss (P), who I've never met in person. I was getting A~ ready for Pre-school and the phone rang, I saw it was from the main office (I'm an office manager at a satellite office) but I couldn't get to the phone. My boss left a message to call her back. I knew it had to be bad because in the little over a year I've worked there I have talked to her 5 times, and never from home. Plus, there has been that cloud of doom and gloom hanging over the office for I'd say a good month or more. Anyway, after finally getting a hold of her P told me that they are closing the office location I work at and that my position has been eliminated, effective immediately. I job share, and the woman I share with has been there for 35 years! 35 years! And she just learned today, like I did, that her position is eliminated and that her last day is today. And yes my last day was Tuesday, thanks for the heads up. Nice to know we meant something. I am very happy to say that they're not getting rid of everyone at the office, just the 2 of us, because that'd be seriously depressing.
I am still reeling a bit. This really has been one of the nicest jobs I've ever had. Yes it could be boring, and I really felt useless at times, but the people were very nice, the location was great, and the days were just what we needed at the time (when K~ had his job). If I didn't like it I would've quit right after K~ lost his job and gone and waited tables somewhere and earned the same amount in 1/2 the hours. I kind of sensed that this was going to happen at some point, I was just really hoping it'd be sometime after we sold the house. I guess that the only positive thing is that I do get a severance, a little less than one months salary.
So what's next? Hopefully I'm done with the bad luck portion of the year, K~ lost his job, the adoption is sidelined and I lost my job too. That's 3! And attention universe I thinks that's about all I can handle right now, got that?

So I need a little bit of what makes me happy today:
Sunny day
Seeds that A~ and K~ planted are sprouting
My Mom/A~'s Nana
That there's little doubt that things will get better
and Winnie napping in her spot on our bed
(I think I'll join her)

Do sore throats and comet mix?

2007-05-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

Probably not.
I've been MIA because we're officially putting the house up on weds, well actually thursday. We have been cleaning and cleaning and organizing. It's exhausting. Hopefully it'll be well worth it. I have to admit I am both scared sh*tless and excited about what comes next. I haven't even let my self think much about it, we'll be moving again, this time out of MN. WOW. You know I wish we could just pick this house up and move it wherever we go, I like our house, it was finally just becoming ours. Now it's clean and shiny for someone else. :-( This was going to be our forever house, the one our kids would grow up in and we'd grow old. I had plans for a huge garden, adding a patio to the deck in the backyard, updating the kitchen, the list goes on. I hope what we gain from this move is more than weather or better finances, I hope that we get breathing room and perspective. I also just hope we get through this move in tact! K~ hates change and fights it, and even though selling the house is largely his idea, it doesn't seem to help. Yes K~ has always had mild to moderate OCD, and it rears it's head whenever change is involved. His entire family is like that in some form. It's been a battle, or maybe more like the third person in our marriage. Sometimes I think we've conquered it and other times I feel defeated by it. I'm thinking that moving will help. I hope. Hell to really break his habit we should move every year! Totally kidding! We'd both end up curled up in opposite corners rocking back and forth muttering to ourselves, A~ would have serious parent issues. ;-)

On the adoption front, I've been disturbed by the rumors in VN again. I just keep praying that that's all it is. I wish that the state department or the uscis would be more forthcoming about concerns they might have if any, or they'd update their page with more current information instead of sticking to the legalese. Oh and I was trying to look for info on the VN embassy site and on the VN government sites, good luck! Nothing. Just a couple forms in PDF, nothing about statistics, or even anything about how Vietnamese people can adopt from their own country. That's not too promising. I mean I know that they're not going to advertise to the world that they've got thousands of children in orphanages, but man you'd think there'd be something! Another thing that concerns me, and this is purely personal, is the flooding of the VN adoption program by those from china in particular. It's almost comical in away that nearly 2/3 of the recent new member intros on a few of the Groups have this sentence, "DH and I have been DTC for x months and with all of the issues in China we've done some soul searching and find that Vietnam is really in our hearts.". Now maybe some of them have done real soul searching, but really? Or is it the same exact thing as the PAPs that say "we've looked for an agency that was a perfect fit for our family and we chose (blank) agency" and lo and behold the perfect fit was also the fastest most controversial agency with immediate referrals. Seems a lot alike to me. VN isn't in your "heart", it's within your time frame (ie. instant gratification). Hey I'm right there with ya, faster is great. But be honest, it's insulting to all of the APs who have children from VN already and are hoping to bring home a sibling after such a long shut down, and it's insulting to those families who have VN heritage (and those whose very first and only choice for whatever reason is VN). Yeah, I'm irritated that China's having such an impact on the VN program, as I'm sure people who's hearts are truly in China are that they have to wait even longer, but I'm mad when people insult my intelligence. Ya jumped ship because the wait was long, duh. (p.s. if you jump ship and don't have a child or have a daughter already please be open to either! VN is not China! And boys are amazing! I am surrounded by them.)

The big reality check is going to hit many of these families, things change rapidly in this new program and there's a storm brewing, either the rumors are true or the rumors will create problems. When we started this last year our wait went from 4 months to 18 months in the span of 3 months. The agency's wait for new families went to 24 months. So don't even count on being done faster than China. And in all honesty, I wouldn't choose VN right now if I already had LID in China. I have even thought of other options, like Taiwan or Korea, or even thinking about domestic. But for us, until VN is shut down, VN is where we hope to bring a child home from.

Just for fun

2007-05-03T23:03:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd post a few pictures:

A~ got a camera from Grandpoo and Nanpoo for his 5th b-day, he took this picture of daddy(with mickey and rosa his valentine hamster)

One of my favorite pics of A~ at the state fair last year

My super cute little(big) Brother, who I am so totally proud of, who makes me feel really old, is such a total 16 year old boy, and I love! (hey look at that face, who wouldn't?) Oh, he also uses my computer to store all of his pictures for his myspace page when he supposed to be doing homework. Brothers...

I wish I had some good pics of K~ and I together but we both close our eyes in pictures or make goofy faces. I'll have to make use of photoshop someday. But here's one from the photobooth

When I'm bored I research

2007-05-02T15:05:00.000-05:00

And research and research. Today's theme was adoption blogs, then Yahoo! groups, and now it's whether to use pay-pal or amazon to receive donations and sell my wall votives to save for the adoption. It seems as though both charge the same amount, amazon seems as though it might be easier to use. I wonder if I could use both, and then if one's less popular switch to the other one?
I had been holding off on starting the actual fund raising process until we got re-started, but after reading others' blogs I see it's not uncommon to begin before the actual process. Insert huge sigh of relief here. And it's not as though we won't adopt, we will, even if I get discouraged I am still determined and hopeful. Here that K~? Determined(he,he). K~ is on board with the adoption he's supportive, interested, and involved, he's just not actively involved in the research the ethics topics the questions of what agency is a better fit for us. I may want him to be active in this, but I may have to resign myself to simply having his okay. That makes it sound awful doesn't it? Like I'm demanding and he's a door mat. Well, I'm not demanding and he's not a door mat. This just happens to be one of those areas where he's completely clueless and at a loss and I have definite opinions. I do wish that his views or more like his determination on this more mirrored my own. But I didn't marry male-me. He's much cuter.
K~ and I have had many ups and downs, we've been together for 13 years! We've made it through the 7 year itch and are going to celebrate 8 years of marriage in September! Just in the past few years we've come to terms with our odd-ness and the relief of not having to live up to ideas of a perfect family has made things so much easier. Who knew? And most importantly I love him. And he cleans. ;-)
So back to the topic, pay pal, amazon or both?
I'll have to pay closer attention to whats being used.

OMG, I still have one hour left at work! Save me!

Ahhh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna leave early, it's too nice out!

Things that make me happy today:
Spring
A happy talkative little boy
only one hour left of work

title what title?

2007-05-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

I can't title this entry because I have no idea where this is going.
I have always been terrible at naming things, or titling posts as the case may be. I'm even awful at putting subject headings on emails. I feel so much pressure!

I've been at work reading blogs all morning, exciting right? Oh and then I decided to come back here and blog a little. Busy day at work. I have the worlds most annoying fax machine right next to me and every time a fax comes in it emits this LOUD buzz/whine which usually ends up startling me. Nothing like 20 little heart attacks a day to keep you awake.
Since the adoption is still a dream at this point I should concentrate more on the family portion of the blog. That would lighten things up a bit, anything to do with living with my 2 guys would lighten things up!

The latest being, huge (no pun intended) poop issues in our household. A~ often has issues with constipation, sort of common for boys I guess. Well up until last night at 8pm he hadn't pooped in a week! Save 2 tiny little rabbit ones, which he was trying to get full credit for. Our family always has bad timing, so usually any one of us will get sick at the least opportune time and most often on weekends when there's no doctor readily available. This time the timing was off because I was at work which left K~ to deal with lack of sleep and a screaming boy on a toilet. Finally Tuesday after a long night where A~ got up on his own 2 or 3 times to go sit on the potty, you know it's bad when he gets up on his own to sit on the toilet, I decided to take 1/2 a day off work and help (and get a nap in). I was no help and went to work with A~ still trying. It's so frustrating sitting in a bathroom all day trying any tactic we could think of, being supportive "come on honey you can do it, just push!", to trying to relax him and read a book, to simply walking away, giving him space, trying to regain sanity and sitting in another room trying to watch tv with closed captioning on, and trying incentives, threats, like "if you don't poop honey we can't let you go to pre-school". So off to the internet to look for some thing we over looked. Nope. Ugh, this means we need to get out the serious stuff....baby suppositories, shudder. And trust me when I say that he was traumatized, but more traumatized by the idea of it than the actual thing, he didn't even know it was in! But the drama and the negotiating before hand was very intense. I think the actual process of getting it in was more traumatic for K~ and I, though I made K~ do the dirty work, ha! (I have had that job before so it was his turn!) Well, the suppository did not provide immediate relief. I went to work and came home to both boys passed out on their own couches, I had some nice mommy alone time, it's rare that our house is quiet. We did finally have success but it took 2 doses of milk of magnesia and 8 hours! After the initial success we let A~ stay up thinking there HAD to be more just waiting, his tummy was "talking" and A~ was "translating", but he said there was no more. And finally at 10pm he went to bed. I rushed to work after trying hard to wake a very sleepy K~ up, when I got to work I called to make sure he was up and K~ told me that A~ had pooped 2 times in his sleep!!! UGH! They weren't messy, which surprised me after all of the 'help' we'd given him, but A~ woke up in a great mood and had no issues, K~ clearly had issues and was not as happy. Thanks K~ for not waking me up!! Hopefully the kid will finally learn to go when he has to go and not hold it!!! AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

It's these little things that your think to yourself, had I known my life would be tied to an other's bodily functions would I actively choose parenting? Parenting is definitely rewarding, and it's a good thing that the rewards far outweigh the pitfalls or I'd bet there would be a lot more "let me get back to you"s in reply to that.

Is it just me or does everyone seem to be pregnant? A bit of useless trivia: I have this strange way of knowing when some women are pregnant, maybe it's a 'those who can't do, teach' kind of thing? Anyway, the first time was my mom, she called me downstairs to talk to me when I was 16 and I'll never forget it, I turned the corner and saw her standing at the bottom of the stairs and simply blurted out "you're pregnant". She was surprised to say the least. The next time was a friend of a friend (Amy) who I'd only met on a few occasions, I had a dream about Amy that she was giving birth outside our apartment building to twin boys, it was so weird I told my friend about it and many months later learned Amy had a baby boy. The next time I saw Amy she had 2 boys less than one year apart. After trying to conceive A~ for so long it seemed as though my intuition ramped up, I saw Madonna on a TRL appearance and said to myself she's pregnant, a while later she announced it. Then there was the wife of someone at work, and the one time I remember being wrong was a guy and his girlfriend at work(but that was a dream and they seem less accurate), then there was Amy, lo and behold she was pregnant again! Recently, there was a woman I work with here, the dancing with the stars woman(way before she announced it), Elizabeth from the view(since March), and our local tv weather lady. I'm now trying to figure out what it is that I see subconsciously when I see these women, I can't figure it out. And none of them had any noticeable belly bumps at the time. With most of the ones I know, or know the birthdays of I figure that I spotted the pregnancies at about 2 months along, so may be it's that the women know and they give off signals? Anyway it's weird and seems to happen sporadically.

Late night blogger

2007-04-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm sure most parents can relate, I can't get much done when A~ is around. Anything that requires thought or concentration anyway, which is why I end up blogging at work (naughty) or late at night. Work has picked up a tiny bit so there's less opportunity to update the blog.

I'm not sure if anyone would remember that I mentioned that K~ and I were thinking of moving to Viet Nam after selling the house, but we're still thinking about it. Oddly enough it sounds more appealing now, not less. I have been addicted to reading expat blogs. I'm going to post links to some of them. Maybe not tonight but soon. Anyway, it would be a huge huge change. Ya, think?! However, I think it would be for the better, as in we'd appreciate what we have here that much more and the added bonus would be that we'd have gained knowledge of our family's heritage (I say ours because it's a part of my husbands and sons and therefore mine too). And I really have little desire to live in Sweden, Norway or Germany (all my mutt-like heritage) which are all a little too similar in climate to MN. I'm hoping to avoid snow for any length of time, for hopefully the rest of my life. I will gladly visit any or all one day, but live there? No.
Not to mention that in VN my husband will get off the plane and look into a sea of familiar/similar faces. And I really want that for him. I also want to know what it feels like to not see those faces, to be the odd man out. I know that from everything I've read so far that the Vietnamese are for the most part very kind and accommodating to foreigners (for many reasons), at least that's what I hear. So I imagine I would not be subjected to the sorts of racism that K~ or others have faced here in the US, but I think that the fact that I will be aware of my race, my pale skin and odd body, will in itself be a very different experience and will hopefully give me some insight and understanding. I may not walk a mile, but at least a few blocks (in his shoes). It would be an amazing experience and when I get scared and think "what the hell are you thinking" I realize that I would never ever regret going, but I would always wonder "what if" if I didn't. That is what keeps this crazy scary idea alive in my brain. It's almost all I think about, when I'm not thinking about how to adopt without any money. ;-)

Ahhhh adoption. how do you adopt from VN while in VN as an American citizen? I am sure it's complicated as hell and twice as much, between the US and VN governments, they could F*k up a junk yard. They've made great strides in the adoption department (sarcasm). Just when I think I have something figured out, some big pile of poo lands in my in box from Yahoo groups. And just like anything it doesn't go away until you deal with it. So I read what I don't want to hear, and pray that the next round of group daily digests holds better news. Well, they might get things straightened out by the time I'm a grandma. That doesn't help us now. Sorry, don't mean to be negative, but it's been so difficult to figure out what to do. I really can't see us waiting 2 more years to bring our daughter home. And the simple fact is long waits or more clients does not necessarily mean ethical, good service provider or less in it for the money. All it means is long wait. And things would be a lot easier if I were ignorant cattle. But I'm not. At least I hope not. I know that in reality things would not be easier to be ignorant because someday the questions will come and if I didn't ask questions now I'd have a lot more to answer when Laurna got older. Sometimes it's hard when you know you should be asking something, but you have no idea what the magic question is; the question that will get responses from the groups or the question that will get the truth from an agency.
Looks like I've got a little more time to figure this stuff out, and hopefully do more than toss a dart at a wall plastered with the Hanoi Embassy's list of licensed agencies (minus a couple "hell nos"). Which is a very tempting thing.

Good luck to anyone in the process.

On the adoption front

2007-04-17T11:14:00.000-05:00

As far as the adoption is concerned I have finally been able to go back on the Yahoo groups and read about others' progress, I mostly lurk since I can't quite let myself put both feet on the path. I love hearing the stories of families being united and am glad to see the progress of VN adoptions in general, but admit it is hard and I do have a sense of why not us? What keeps me going is that I do believe it will be us, eventually.
It's taken a long time to get the house ready and we'll be putting it on the market in the next 2 weeks. Who knows how long it'll take to sell in this market, I think it's a great house and would sell quickly, I'm sure most home sellers think that.
In the meantime I am hoping to get the ball rolling on fundraising for the adoption. At this point we need to raise funds from beginning to end, and we'll open a savings account for it. My first thought is to send out a mass letter to all relatives and family friends. Next thought is to have some sort of fund raising event, which I've never done. I see we get some visitors here, quiet ones ;-), but if any of you have ideas please comment!
And if any one's BTDT in adoption fundraising or similar please share!

On a separate note, has anyone had to light a fire under their DH's butt? I have always been open and honest about what kind of family I hoped for, 2 kids. He's never been gung-ho on the parenting thing, but I figured most men aren't like most women, and he's amazing with A~ and would be a great dad to #2. Well obviously having #2 has been a little more difficult than simply knocking me up, so he's 100% OK with adopting, especially from VN, but he's just in no hurry (he's from the Scarlett O'hara "I'll think of that tomorrow" school of thought on everything). I feel there is a time issue for us, I had hoped our kids would be close in age, that's not happening, and I hoped to be done having kids by now, that's not happening. So I hope to get the adoption rolling ASAP since as we all know adoptions have a way of not going the way you hope or as fast as you hope, but at least we'll have things in motion.

Any advice?

Sick Kitty

2007-04-16T16:05:00.000-05:00

Our cat Winnie has been suffering from some sort of loss of balance from time to time. It really freaked us out at first! The first episode was about 8 months ago? I can't remember. But she just started falling all over the place. She looked drunk. A~ thought it was funny until he realized how concerned K~ and I were (it would've been funny if it wasn't so scary). Our cat has always "yacked" all the time. We called her the bulimic. But after one of her particularly bad episodes of falling, not eating, and listlessness we took her to the vet, the first question out of her mouth was has she been vomiting? To which we replied all the time, for her entire 11 years (and yes we told other vets, who said she just ate too fast). The vet thought it could still have something to do with her new illness and we agreed to run blood work. The vet said she had moderately raised levels, something to do with kidney function, and it could be causing some of her vomiting. Winnie was prescribed special soft cat food that would also help with her dehydration issues. I was doubtful she'd eat it, she's always hated soft food! Well she proved me wrong! It was as if she'd discovered cat chocolate. She loves the stuff, I'm not so fond of it, it stinks to hi-heaven and her breath smells. It made me gag for the first week, ugh... Now she just stalks the kitchen waiting, hoping, looking forlorn if we dare to enter and leave without giving her some of her new food. She has the most pathetic pouty face I've ever seen! We're only allowed to give her so much a day, but we supplement with the same prescription dry food in a separate bowl. Whenever we refill the hard food without refilling the wet food, she literally walks away in a huff! (On the plus side she rarely vomits anymore!)
This is also the cat that when K~ and I would go on vacation leaving my mom to watch her, would swear at my mother. Well, not real words ;-) but my mom would tell me how Winnie would give her a stern talking to every time she went over to feed Winnie "I tell you that cat is swearing at me!". And she'd usually do the same to us when we came home from a trip.
Anyway, I write all of this because Winnie's illness has taken another twist, last night all of a sudden her head listed to her right side. She couldn't move from her spot in the kitchen, she just sat there as if she was trying to look behind her. When I'd call her she'd move her ears but instead of looking to where I was she'd turn her head even more to the right. When she did get up her head remained looking right and she circled around and sat down, she did this several times only moving a few feet. After about 2 hours she started walking a little more straight but here head was still off kilter. K~ was so worried he stayed up and searched the net and found a great blog about what our poor little Winna-winna is going through. The first post at the bottom of the page has nearly 2 years worth of comments from fellow cat owners that are very helpful. So we are thinking that she has Feline vestibular syndrome (FVS) in fact the Vet had mentioned that this could be a possibility months ago, she said they have no clue what causes it, some cats get attacks and some are permanently altered in some way.
In fact today Winnie is fine for the most part. The attack may have been brought on by the weather, this weekend it was chilly and then 73 yesterday and chilly and cloudy today. I guess barometric pressure has something to do with it. Hopefully our little fluffy girl doesn't get too scared when she becomes crooked kitty.

A sad day.

2007-04-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

I can't post and not mark this sad moment in history. As far as I know there have been 31 people killed by a gunman in Virginia. I'm sure everyone knows this by now. I feel that I needed to extend my deepest sympathies to anyone and everyone affected. It's so sad how people can hurt each other.

growing, growing boy!

2007-04-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

A~'s First Birthday with a HUGE cake!

Can't get enough cake mom!

A~ 2yrs old

3yrs!

4yrs!
Has it already been a year since this?

Preparing for a birthday

2007-04-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

Hi!
We are trying to get the house in shape, or at least have it look nice, for A~'s bday on Saturday. He's going to be 5! He is the sweetest guy ever, and soooooo funny when it comes to his birthday! I'll admit he probably gets that from me. Dad's not a big fan of b-days. I'm more fond of planning other's birthday parties. Next year will be the big 4-0 for K~, he wouldn't let me throw a 30th b-day for him, but next year I am planning a party! (he even admitted years later he wishes he wouldn't have stopped me, so that gives me the green light, hahahahahaha!)

A~ has been talking about his b-day for months now, he has so many plans! He wants streamers, he picked the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, he's been talking about a pinata since last summer, and his latest thing- he's making cards to sell at his party to our relatives! He made a sign for his table "card selling character - praying for kids - selling on my birthday - cards" I had to write it exactly as he told it to me. Which I totally love, because it makes little sense! He's made 2 cards so far. One is a pop up and the other is a church with the sun shining and he cut fringe("frenches") all the way around it. A~ has an amazing vocabulary, he always has, his doctor, his teachers, and my friends always comment on it. So, I am in no hurry to correct any of the few adorable A~isms he has. He'll learn correct grammar soon enough. Too soon for me. One of my recent favs is: Coffee-ing (copying). I'll have to think of more and add them later. I used to write them on a calendar, or in my journal.

This is our 5th birthday with A~. His first bday was Winnie the pooh, and me not knowing anything about cakes, and the fact that the Barlow boys eat their weight in cake, we ordered a whole sheet cake. OMG! That's HUGE! It was the funniest thing, A~ in his highchair with an entire sheet cake in front of him! That was a first time mom moment if ever there was one. Oh and I made an iphoto dvd slide show of A~'s first year. Yeah, I've been meaning to do that for every year but somehow never quite got there. Then the theme was a home made mickey mouse cake, which looked great but tasted AWFUL! I am finally now able to have a sense of humor about it, but I had been very touchy about it until recently. In all honesty the thing if dropped would have put a dent in the floor. God love our family they suffered through it and ate their pieces, but no seconds, LOL! Then for his 3rd birthday it was the Incredibles (ala Target) and last year was a boxed cake(learned my lesson) because A~ wanted to bake it and decorate it, which he did and it turned out better than my mickey cake!

This year's cake is courtesy of Target and it's POTC, and A~ has let us know that he will be dressing up as Cap'n Jack for his party.

I promise I'll find photos.

Things that make me happy today:
A~isms: they make A~ seem smaller than he is and lets me pretend he's not growing up so fast.
Dark Chocolate: Gets me through a long boring day at work.
Birthdays: It's so much fun to celebrate someone you love.

Bittersweet Progress

2007-04-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

Hi,
This weekend we had A~ head over to Nana's for a few hours for 2 days and managed to accomplish a lot. We now have an official office! A~ has stated several times that he doesn't care for it. I'm thinking it's because it was his bedroom and because it's not a playroom, but an office, so therefore must remain largely toy free. Bummer. ;-)
A~ is full of all sorts of adult like comments these days. Like telling daddy that he's had enough candy, which is phrased very loudly and in the middle of the candy isle at SuperTarget: "K~ that's enough now, you have just too too much candy all of the days!" (K~ has a sweet tooth) he also says "speaking of..." or "actually..." which cracks me up every time.
A~ has taken to playing big brother, which is his game he made up this weekend where I am his baby sister and he tucks me in "bed" on the couch he'll tell me sweetly that he is going to bed too but if I need him I can yell for him. So I yell or whine and say I'm scared, he then gives me a toy to hold to protect me, then he'll go back to his bed on the loveseat. If I'm too quiet and don't yell he checks on me anyway, then says "now you're mommy, mommy you need to yell more, okay now your my baby sister". He goes and lays down. I whine, yell, drop toy on the floor, he picks it up tucks me in then says sweetly, "now baby, I'm tired too, I'm trying to sleep, go to sleep." Ahhhh... wonder where he's heard that before? No, not me!
The office looks very nice. We used old paint we had from other rooms and mixed up a nice warm beige color. We bought some white paint for the trim. Off topic: white paint, why is it that the 2 times I've purchased white paint I have received a sarcastic comment from the paint guy? If you look at those paint chips there's about a thousand different colors of white, I picked whipped white, which had one drop of red and one drop of yellow in it. And the guy says "well there might be a little color to it, ha ha-ha ha" his tone was as if to say "really lady you're making me mix paint for this??" Yes I know, there's a little bit of color in it that's WHY I chose it! (and hey paint guy, have you looked in your paint department? If you have a problem with mixing white paint, you're in for a treat!) Thank god the office is done, now I have moved on to organizing and putting things away in big Rubbermaid containers.
The first items I packed away were all of the things we had purchased and received for Laurna. I nearly ended up in a puddle as I labeled the box. But I tried to keep thinking of this as temporary. It just feels so permanent. I keep wondering am I not thinking of something? Is there away we could continue even without K~'s job? Maybe I should ask more questions, but I'm not sure what questions I should be asking!
We finally have health insurance again! That is a huge load off my mind. And just in time for A~'s 5 yr check up. Boy was it difficult to get it though. We have MNcare, and they seem to take their sweet time no one even knew where the paperwork was for a month, then they asked for records twice. It's a good thing we started the process one month after he lost his job, it's been in process for 3 months! But we have it, and I can breath a little better and I'm soooo getting new glasses! (and a family teeth cleaning)

I'm going to try to find some before pictures of the house so I can post before and after pics.

Things that make me happy today:
Paint; I love how a coat of paint can change a room, and even your mood.
Health Insurance; getting it is hard, keeping it is necessary, COBRA is awful, and not having to worry is 'priceless'. ;-)

2007-03-29T22:14:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to take stock today of what makes me happy.
Here's what I've come up with so far, in no particular order:
A~'s face, the way he smells and the sound he makes when he eats crunchy food, I think that cheek volume has something to do with it and the look he gets on his face is as if he wants to make each crunch count.
The smell of rain. Springtime. Sleeping. Savoring good food and/or wine. Pictures of my family. Laughing, giggling. A good cry after a stressful day. The way my cat curls up next to me when I sleep. The sound of her purring. Wind blowing through leaves on a summer day. Swimming underwater. How I felt after Acupuncture. Memories.

I'm sure there's more that's all I can think of at the moment.
I tend to take joy in little things, little moments that if I am aware enough I realize won't happen again. I try to burn them into my brain. But as I get older I'm sort of surprised at how much I forget. So, making new memories or at least appreciating my little moments helps me feel like I don't take life for granted. I just wish I were a better documenter, i'm terrible at taking pictures. I forget the camera all the time! I need those spy glasses with the built in camera so I have it with me all the time. oh, that'd be cool.

I hope that people added their voices to the list of those opposed to the increase in fees in the previous post. It may not seem like much, but add those fees to the amounts we're paying for all of the other little things it is a lot.

Adoption News: Hope you added your voice

2007-03-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

I personally have added a comment via the .Gov website. They are trying to up the already astronomical prices for adoption related fees. Please if you are at all interested in adoption or care about adoptive families please add your voice to this! Do not let the government price adoption out of the average family! Adoption should NOT be just for the rich. More importantly, children need to come home to families who have not been run through the ringer, emotionally, and financially. Also in this the 21st century, fees should be getting smaller, not bigger. Things should be getting streamlined and there should be less work involved now with computers and national databases.
I emailed my senator and congress person to make them aware, could help.

Fee Increase Proposal
If the rule is adopted, filing fees would increase by an average of 66% over current fees. The proposed rule is subject to a 60-day comment period that ends on April 2, 2007. At the end of the comment period, USCIS will review and consider the comments it has received on its proposed rule. USCIS will then send its final proposal to the Office of Management and Budget for review. The OMB will make a final decision on the fee increase and issue the final rule.

Adoption-Related Petitions Affected by the Proposed Increase
Form/Petition Type
Current Fee
Proposed Fee

I-600/600A Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative
$ 545
$ 670

N-565 Application for Replacement of Certificate of Citizenship (used for name
changes)
$ 220
$ 380

N-600 Application for Certificate of Citizenship
$ 255
$ 460

Biometric Services (fingerprints)
$ 70
$ 80

Adoption is expensive enough already, and it is unconscionable to raise fees by up to 66% for adoption-related petitions.

Comments must be received by April 2, 2007, and must reference the agency name (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services), as well as the docket number (USCIS-2006- 0044). Comments may be submitted at http://www.regulations.gov the Federal eRulemaking Portal (search agency: USCIS, Document type: Proposed Rules, Keyword: USCIS-2006- 0044).

HOPEFULLY WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

Where am I??

2007-03-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

I thought I lived in Minnesota. I think I may be wrong.
It was 81 degrees TODAY! Huh?

Well, tomorrow's gonna be 60 and by next week it'll be in the 40's so I'll feel more Minnesotan.

Here ends your weather forecast.

Now, back to watching Dancing with the Stars.....

Ding Dong Ding

2007-03-26T14:25:00.000-05:00

Hey,
I have a song going thru my head. Well, not so much a song but those 3 words, Ding Dong Ding. A~ had a little group recital at his Pre-k today. And oh what drama. The poor kid has developed a case of stage fright. Which is odd considering the fact that he performs "concerts" for us every day sometimes 2-3 times a day! Granted he doesn't sing, he dances, and it's just us. He dances to Gwen Stefani's "laya-laya-lah"(aka. Wind it up) or Sweet Escape these days. But he was so worried last night he was up with nightmares until about 3am. We first let him know that talking about it to his teacher would probably help a lot, I bet she's dealt with this before. Then when he was still worried and crying we assured him that if he would rather stay home it was OK. I hoped he'd go, and face his fears, but I didn't want to put pressure on the little guy. K~ being the dad, let me handle most of it, because his instinct was to tell him he had to go and that he'd just have to deal. Which is normal. But made me think that it'd end up being (what we call) a green bean thing. Force a kid to eat green beans, he'll never eat them again. Be supportive in him trying green beans and he may try them, and in A~'s case may grow to like them.
K~ didn't eat green beans until he was 28. (and he still won't touch canned ones)
So, this morning after I went to work K~ asked A~ if he wanted to go to school. A~ said "yes"! Then he said "I want to make you proud" (Awwww). K~ told him that he was proud even if he chose not to go. But he went and he sang, no tears. He looked very determined and even smiled once or twice.

He really is such a serious kid sometimes. He reminds me of me. And I think it's an only child thing. There's just too much time to think. Parents don't make good playmates, and there aren't any kids in our neighborhood. Plus, he's 5 I'm not going to let him run to a friends house anyway, even if there were kids. ME I was tooling around the neighborhood on my big wheel. I think I 'ran away' every week. Which was just a quick big wheel away to the park. Often I was hanging out at Mrs. Q's house eating doughnuts (I called her my adopted grandma) or waiting around in the yard for the mailman Gordy to bring me mail and hand me rubber bands from his big bag. Ahhh, the 1970's. People would toss moms in jail for half the crap I did alone as a kid! But then I'm sure the previous generation was thinking they were too over protective!
People my grandparent's generation probably wonder what the heck kids do nowadays, when do kids get to run wild? My parents never seemed to have adult supervision in the stories they tell. I should ask.
Anyway, I feel bad that A~ doesn't have a sibling to play or bug or teach or fight with. I know my life is a lot more 2 dimensional because I didn't grow up with a sibling (I have one, but I was 17 when he was born). No matter how hard you try, friends do not replace siblings.
Someday I hope our family will be 4 of us instead of 3.

House news: The doors are still beautiful! I am often found standing in the living room admiring the new front door, mumbling to myself "wow".
We did do actual work this weekend!
A~ went to Nana's, while K~ and I painted the office and bathroom.
NEXT UP: decluttering and a new kitchen floor.

And in trivial news; I'm addicted to a computer game, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. It's sad, I know.

More Important things

2007-03-20T14:31:00.000-05:00

On to more important things: We have been so slow at getting our home ready for sale. It's just that doing anything we need to do, which is mainly painting, during a MN winter is not really feasible. Paint drys sllllooooow in the cold. Plus it stinks and I need windows open. I know, excuses. But their good ones! What have we finished? Well, we laid new carpet in the master BR all by ourselves! Looks great! We switched the rooms around so that the MBR is the MBR not an office. A~ has what was the old MBR before the addition, which in my opinion is the best room in the house, lucky boy! He loves it! Then his old room will be an office, if we can paint it. I rearranged the living room and we bought a small entertainment center, the old one was a huge teak thing built for stereos in the 1950's I was always afraid it would collapse under the weight of our TV. But being the cheap (ahem, frugal) people we are we could never find the extra $ to replace it. And I'm so glad we did.
Today we got our new front entry/storm and mudroom storm doors installed! I have yet to see them in person, but K~ emailed me pics. It's a drastic change from the original 1950's dark solid wood door and (homeowner made) screen doors! I hope it's a good investment. I remember walking up to our house for the first time and thinking these doors are why it hasn't sold. (and why we got such a great deal on our house!)
Next on the list, painting, and more painting. We have to paint the office, the bathrooms (3 of them) the nasty 1950's cabinets, and the stairway. Then we need to replace the flooring in the kitchen and do some serious decluttering/packing up.
And on top of it we've been trying to conceive again, without drugs and Dr.s, so who knows, but we figure we may as well try since adoption's not possible at the moment. It's been difficult to not get hope up. It's been difficult to even try again, since the end of every cycle can be so disappointing. But I tell myself I am hopeful, not wishful. This month I wasn't feeling well and was 4 days late. But, I'm still hopeful, for next month.
K~ hasn't found a job yet. We're not sure how to tackle his getting a job since we'll hopefully be moving out of state. I think he should look into a national company where transfers would be easier. Heck, I'd transfer nearly anywhere!

We've been talking about and I've even been looking into living and working in VN for a year. That would be the best way to learn Vietnamese! Not to mention I love the food, most of the culture and K~ would really benefit from it (A~ and I would too of course)! The only thing I'm not sure I'd deal with well is the heat and humidity.

K? so I'm only human

2007-03-20T13:28:00.000-05:00

I swear I will try to make this my last post regarding the AJ adoption!
Something just isn't sitting right with me. So I went on line to visit some boards and groups to see what the latest take was and to check into the AFTH agency. I'm a little disturbed at what I discovered. And not in an Oh My God way, but it did leave me wondering. The only things I will say is that they have been known to troll the groups, not a good thing IMHO. And the most troubling for me personally is their strict gag clause. For that alone I would never sign with them. As far as AJ's timeline, it may be within legal limits set forth in the decree, but it doesn't explain how her timeline matches the bare minimum. Since she only reportedly began this past summer, a time when agencies were being flooded with people from both Korea and China due to the changes in their policies and as a result timelines for agencies all over were doubling and tripling in wait time. We're not just talking people waiting for infants here either. While she adopted an older child, that is great, it still doesn't clear things up entirely for me. So, this leads me to taking the previous press release with a grain of salt. While I hope the PR was the truth, I am not naive enough to believe it entirely, I am more inclined to think it truthful (with bits of info left out).

I will stress again that the only reason I weigh in on this at all is because of the nature of VN's closure and the precarious position VN adoptions are in at the moment. Had it been 2 years from now when it's been proven that VN has surpassed the days of corruption that shut it down in the first place, I think I would simply chalk it up to sensationalism. However, currently VN adoptions have many of the same people in it post closure, as pre-closure, which raises eyebrows when talk of fast tracking and large sum donations come up, even if they are just rumor. Rumors do so much damage, but sometimes they help bring the truth out in the open.
Here's hoping that at the very least this whole thing will help other PAPs become more educated and committed to ethical adoptions.

And a tip for the next celebrity to adopt if you don't want a huge backlash, adopt from a well established ethical adoption agency (like Holt or the other big ones with huge lists precisely for their nearly undisputed reputation) and then adopt from a country with a history of ethical adoptions, like Korea or Taiwan, and possibly China (or the US!). Also, you should be prepared for eyes watching like hawks, there are a lot of people in line/in process before you and if that line even seems to part like the dead sea for you, this is what will happen. So, get ready and don't whine when people question, that too is a part of the process of adoption, or even childbirth and definitely parenting --answering questions. Believe me, I have a 5 year old, the questions never stop!!!

At least someone is talking!

2007-03-19T12:37:00.000-05:00

There has been an official press release in the A. Jolie adoption drama. Finally.
Here's the link to the press release .
An excerpt:

"   WYNNEWOOD, Pa., March 16 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- Adoptions From The
Heart (AFTH), a licensed, non-profit adoption agency based in Wynnewood,
Pa., a suburb of Philadelphia, has announced that it worked with Angelina
Jolie to facilitate the adoption of 3-year-old Pax Thien from the Tam Binh
orphanage in Vietnam.
 ...Jolie followed the same procedures as all prospective adoptive
parents who apply to its Vietnam program.
    "Throughout Ms. Jolie's adoption process, she received no preferential
treatment from the Vietnamese government or Adoptions From The Heart, and,
contrary to earlier reports, her application was not fast-tracked," said
Gonzalez.    "

At least someone is talking. I hope that this is true and not just an attempt at covering asses, since I don't think any agency would admit to a fast-track (and there seems to be some contradictions with what Dr. Long has been Quoted as saying).

I have no reason to believe it isn't true. I hope and choose to believe it is.

And just in case no one reads the comments, I will say that I did not dig into Ms. Jolie's life (I do have better things to do!!) it just happens that our lives intersected in the world of international adoption, and specifically in the relatively small world of Viet Nam adoptions. I would not have been as emotional as I was had it been another country, as I do not know the specifics of each country. I do however have a lot of info on the usual process of adoption in VN. And if the rumors were to be true, it would have shaken me personally, as I have a personal stake in the basic process of VN adoptions being the same for each AP.

This is an excellent example of why I dislike secrets in general, people have active imaginations when left to their own devices. Myself included.

Now if only someone out there would be able to shed some light on the problems facing prospective adoptive parents. I'd be a happy woman.

Part two of the letter, and mere ramblings

2007-03-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

Hi,
So I was, and still am a bit emotional about adoption, admittedly. I have had some time to cool off and read the groups, there's a few very good discussions going on about this subject (the Jolie adoption) on at least 2 of the groups. Everyone has very good opinions, even if they may differ from my own. ;-)
I would like to say that I feel personally that if I were Angelina Jolie (AJ) and if I had gone through all of the usual things that we all go through to adopt, I personally would be angry at how adoptive parents are treated and I would let people know. I will always maintain that due diligence is very very important, but you will never be able to convince me that these fees are reasonable. That the hoops are all for the sole purpose of protecting children and not for profit.
Would I be happy to be fast tracked? Yes. Is it right. No. Would I do it, or would I simply state, no thank you? I don't know, I'll never be in that position. What I would hope that I'd do is educate myself, become aware, and with that I would make others aware of how muddled and exorbitant the adoption world has become. It came as a huge shock for us. And yes I admit I was filled with ideas of finding our child in a book of pictures or going to the orphanage and picking him/her out. When we were told we'd have nothing to do with that, the hugest part of the process, I was floored. Then there are the stories of things gone wrong. Many, many stories. Too many in my opinion for something that should be so closely regulated. There are great discrepancies. and what is the standard for agency workers, or owners? Those are questions I'd ask, if I had money and influence, because if I asked them now plain lil' old me, I'd fear for my adoption. Maybe it's paranoid but I bet the families who are in litigation right now understand exactly what I am worried about. I bet the families who one agency has put through the ringer, who when asked questions or voiced concerns were told they needed anger management and counseling, know why.

I think it's amazing the good that celebrities can do, if they choose. I think that it's great that AJ adopted. I don't begrudge her anything, her money and fame come with complications I'm sure I can't fathom, I am glad she has a family and glad for her that she has been able to do it without the complications I myself have experienced, I wouldn't wish a negative experience on anyone, although it may have sounded as though I do. I do have a lot of questions for those involved, not just her. She says she followed the rules, but I question the time lines. I really really wish that she had been more open in print, in a blog, in press releases, or in one single interview about her own process. I question whether things were done for her because of who she is, and without her knowledge (which is cutting her a lot of slack). I feel it is HER responsibility to know what the reality is, to not rely on the honesty of those she hires. I am supposed to know who I hire, I am supposed to know that the agency I choose has an ethical system in place here and in country. I have been told time and again by many an adoptive parent that we all owe it to each other to stick together to bring about change, that we all need to do our own digging and we all need to educate ourselves. Do I get a free pass if I donate to UNICEF? Do I get a free pass if I'm attractive? Do I get a free pass if I'm just too busy to bother with the research? Can I claim ignorance.

I do think that every single person who adopts becomes an ambassador for adoption whether you like it or not. It just happens that those who are in the public eye have more eyes watching.

It's hard to say that I absolutely wouldn't resent so many strangers wanting to know my time line, but it's fair to say I wouldn't since I started this blog! The entire reason I started this blog is that I want to show the good AND the bad. The bumps the ugly bits, everything. Because I felt soooo lost and still do sometimes, and if my vents, naivety, ramblings, sorrow and (hopefully ending with the) elation of bringing home a daughter, will help anyone feel like there's a kindred spirit out there and they are not crazy, then I have done what I set out to do.

I would like to add that this is not really entirely directed at AJ alone, I have always been irritated with celebrities who adopt. I wish that just one of them would tell the truth, and if it proves me wrong, if they get no special treatment, so be it!!! But at least they will have done it and they will begin to erase this adoption fantasy they portray. I was pissed at meg ryan when she adopted a girl from china out of the blue without ever letting anyone know after the fact that she waited 12-18 months for her (if in fact she did). Or Rosie O for touting the greatness of adoption without ever talking about the difficulties. Don't even get me started on Madonna. LOL! But my best guess is the reason they have never done these things is because they have never experienced them, so it isn't an issue for them. My story has very little in common with theirs. Hopefully the ending will be exactly the same.

Dear Ms. Jolie,

2007-03-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

I can remain quiet no longer.
I have been reading news reports about your adoption pending in Viet Nam. I have been holding off any judgement or opinion spouting until I hear as many facts as I can. Today I hear you are in VN to adopt your little boy, and that you will have the GR ceremony on Thursday. Granted as I have not talked to you, this is all hearsay. However if it is true it saddens and angers me. You see we have been hoping to adopt from VN as well, a process we began in April of last year. My husband was born there and it is the only way we can add to our family, as I'm unable to conceive. You however as far as I know have no other reason to adopt other than "you just want to". We may differ in our opinions on adoption. I do not see Mia Farrow as a role model for parenting, maybe you do. I do not believe that going into adoption with the intent to rescue or simply to provide better means are good enough reasons to pluck someone out of their country of origin and surround them with odd looking faces, not to mention the added stresses of living in the shadow of a parent's celebrity. No, I don't think I will be rescuing a child, nor do I think that by my family becoming an adoptive family that we are setting a precedent that others should follow. I don't think that a blended family is the best family, I don't think that I will be able to provide the best home for a child. I simply felt in my heart that this is the best that we can make of a less than ideal situation. It's not ideal that we cannot have our own child, and it is tragic that any child be born to a family that is unable to care for it, even more tragic when that child is also born in a country too ill equipped and too poor to be able to care for children given up.
Here we are already a Vietnamese American family hoping to adopt, and that choice has led us to the country of my husbands birth. We do have one child already, and yes we could stop there, but being an only child myself I have never ever imagined only having one, there's so much to learn from a sibling. Believe me I have considered not adopting. Staying a 3 person family. And we may just end up doing that. Our adoption has been wrought with complication from the beginning, unlike any of yours(I assume). The latest of which was when my husband lost his job and we are now having to sell our home. Not to mention the road to adoption was a long rough one involving things I told myself I'd never do, like take shots in the thigh to stimulate ovulation.
We all do a lot of things to have a family, we do things we'd never dream of. However, we need to stop and think where do I stop? You may want to have 10 kids, but at what point does having or adopting kids become not about the children but about feeding a need in yourself? When does a self-less act become selfish? I personally think it starts when you amass a collection, as opposed to a family. And it's beginning to look like a collection. It's beginning to sound like a collection too when you speak of your family. Needing matching genetics so that each feels welcome. Well, you should have thought of that before, not after. There are so many many families trying to adopt from VN right now, that child would not have gone long in that orphanage, there would be a loving family for him at any time. You did not rescue him. You did him no favors. Unless of course he was a 'waiting child' with disabilities, in which case I would commend you, but as far as I can tell he is not. You have more money than most and WOULD be able to provide great services for the child that even another family may not be able to. But they could. And that's my point, as an adoptive parent you need to be humble and realize that you did no favors and don't assume that had you not adopted him he'd be languishing somewhere.
Did you know that the average wait time for a child is months after your dossier is sent to the DIA, not weeks Ms. Jolie. And that the average time to travel is 4-6 weeks after approval, not days Ms. Jolie. And that average time in country is 2 weeks, not 5 days Ms. Jolie. Also, we the average adoptive parent are NOT ALLOWED to visit orphanages in order to procure a child Ms. Jolie, our children are chosen for us by strangers in a room by committee.
Now, Ms. Jolie I need to state that ignorance is no excuse, I've read enough to know that you have and could be very educated if you'd only try. So unless and until you start educating yourself on the rights (there are few to none) of adoptive parents and advocating for Us the adoptive parents who have to wait, go nearly bankrupt and jump through hoops you have apparently never even seen, I will not see a movie you or your partner are in, I will not donate to a charity you represent, I will not buy a Magazine you are on.
So, Ms. Jolie, please join the yahoo groups I will list here and read, read as much as you can, there has been so much posted on the trials adoptive parents face when adopting, it's is not sunshine and roses, it is not a glorious and joyous process, it's trying and often heartbreaking, soul searching work. I'd take pregnancy and child birth over it any day (on the pain and annoyance scale). So the fact that you are willing and able to adopt so soon after giving birth leads me to believe that you have had nothing near an average process. And that is your own fault for choosing to remain ignorant of the REAL process of adoption.

Good luck, God bless, and I hope that you do all that you can to right the wrongs perpetrated by the "trend" of celebrity adoption you are part of.

Feel free to reply.

The Barlow Family

Yahoo groups:
a-parents-Vietnam (APV) : the main 'go to' group for VN adoptive parents

LovingVietnamschildren :a very active group of adoptive and adopting parents

VietnamTravelTalk : for the issues/questions of traveling to VN to get your child

Adoption_Agency_Research (AAR) : excellent, especially if you search the archives and learn why VN was shut down in the first place. Reading the files on adoptions gone wrong is an eye opener.

Discuss_IAT : discussion for adopting parents, good for info and many adoptees post as well.

Once again the name changes...

2006-12-02T22:15:00.000-06:00

So this is what, the third time the name has changed?
We received some terrible news this week, K~ lost his job. Which means we have no way of moving forward with the adoption at this time. I am heartbroken. K~ is shell shocked. Being that K~ worked at a manufacturing plant for 8 years means that any job he'd get now would be nowhere near the same pay. I only work part-time with no option for full time at my current job. We were stretched as it was, and now this. It's been 4 days now, and it still only hits me about every couple hours, and then I think I must look as though I've been slapped, and all I can think is Oh Shit, what are we going to DO?! It only just hit K~ yesterday, he got the official letter in the mail. My mom thinks we should talk to a lawyer. We're not sure yet.
I was so happy on Monday. I felt good. Things were moving along with the adoption. I was happy on Monday.
Today, today I'm trying to make sure A~ brushes his teeth 2x a day so we don't have to go to the dentist, I was supposed to make an appointment last month but I didn't. I'm glad we got our flu shots. Today, K~ was looking at Realtors online, so we can sell our house and we talked about selling our car.

Luckily Mpls is great this time of year for free family things, we went to the 8th floor Macy's Mary Poppins display, and today we went to FREE first Saturday for Families at the Walker. A~ loved it, even though he kept asking when the gallery tour would be over! Even so, he didn't want to leave. I guess we'll be going there next month too! At least we can find things to take our minds off of the predicament we're in, while entertaining A~. We are terrible playmates these days. I am also thankful for Target's awesome after Christmas sale last year, and the August toy sale they had this summer, because A~ will still be rolling in some pretty cool toys (half of which I don't even remember buying).

We're trying to keep our 'chins up' and trying to think positive. I'm trying to think of a possible move as an adventure. Most of all I'm trying not to think of the adoption gone wrong, but delayed. I tell myself "We'll be okay", because we will eventually be fine. There's still a lot to be thankful for.

Getting into gear

2006-11-26T14:08:00.000-06:00

Well, with the changes that have taken place over the last couple weeks, which have yet to be finalized with the holidays making that difficult, we have changed the blog yet again. I feel that this blog is more for those who are going through the same process we are or are starting out, basically it's my place to vent.
This blog is now the 'other side' of our process, if you are interested in only reading about the good bits, please view our new improved and vent free blog at Laurnalinh.blogspot.com.

Journey to Laurna is where our friends and family will keep up on progress and fund-raising, but everyone is welcome!

enjoy!

Pins and needles

2006-11-20T15:41:00.000-06:00

That's how my life has felt the past few weeks.
I almost feel like walking up to people and introducing myself by saying "Hi I AM the CRAZY ADOPTION LADY!". Because that's how I feel. I'm sure my husband would agree. His eyes glaze over frequently when talking to me, or more like when I'm talking AT him. It'd be funny if it wasn't so NOT funny. I often wonder to myself was it my mission in life to be in odd situations in which I am perpetually explaining why I am doing X-Y-Z? Hmmm....
Okay, see I'm trying to be upbeat. I was going to be all squishy and gooshy, or make an effort. I just can't I'm sorry. I'm not that person. I mean I am that person usually, on a day to day basis. I am not all doom and gloom. I just really get upset when I see people taking advantage of other's misfortune, or fortune, depending on the occasion.
For instance, when we got married I did all of the work, I delegated some of it to K-, but by and large it was all me. Why? Well I wanted a wedding that was about us, and special and one that would be within our meager budget. I bought the magazines and read them through 2 times each, I clipped, I called places to have our wedding. When I mentioned it's a wedding they'd tack on hundreds, plus add on extras for catering and this and that, it was ridiculous! Then invitations, well, for a wedding they're a lot more! (has to be special and nothing's more special than something that costs twice as much, right?) So, I found a place that didn't charge more for weddings, we had an awesome place in St. Paul where F.Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald, mobsters and '30s movie stars stayed, and an original Art Deco bar, it was perfect. I did all of the invites by hand, we bought flowers at a farmers market, got my dress in the evening gown section at Nordstrom (way prettier than anything I saw at a bridal store) K- rented his tux. I did all of the silk flower arrangements for the tables. I think our wedding turned out great, and it cost under 9 thousand dollars! I had to work my butt off, and luckily I had options, I could choose another place or do things myself.
In adoption you don't have that choice. You can't simply switch. You can't do it yourself. And I personally think they take advantage. So bear with me as I will most likely wrestle with this for our entire adoption and then some. I really really wish there was someone to look out for adoptive parents. An agency that would keep adoption agencies in check, like the FDA for adoptions.

Well to end on a better note, I have received good news and I hope to be able to fill in the blanks soon. I also have been writing a post about faith I've been working on and I hope to post soon.

TTFN...

Fear and loathing in Minneapolis or...

2006-11-17T09:06:00.000-06:00

the one where I write about God.
I'm not one to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, convictions maybe, but faith is much more personal. As many an adoption blogger has said before me, this process tests everything about you. I only recall feeling like this once before in my life; wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over the outcome. That was when we were trying to conceive A-, the only thing I had was faith that somehow after all we had done and were doing that we'd be happy with the outcome. I could not stipulate any terms, I could not reason with anyone to get what I so desperately wanted (not that I didn't try). I had to go on pure faith to keep me together.
I don't go to church much, I believe that God is where you need him, I did pray and have been praying. And I do believe with all of my heart that the only reason I have A- is because I had to give up controlling the outcome.(something I did not relinquish easily) I am struggling with this again, I clearly have control issues, hahaha. There is a feeling that keeps me going, I can't put my finger on it yet, but I think it feels like hope.
I think it's important to have some sort of faith, it does give me hope and may help with the letting go of control part all PAPs have to do.
In my own personal struggle of faith I have found that I have used it as a convenient excuse to not be actively involved in my own life. I call it the 'if it was meant to be' syndrome. I have since found a book that resonates with me, Fearless Living. If anyone has watched daytime TV you may remember Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. The first season was great, but it sort of tanked after that. Anyway, I bought her book and it has helped so much. Now instead of using 'meant to be' to mean I do nothing and pray it was meant to be, allowing my fear to keep me stuck in place, I continue to keep taking steps toward my goal. Knowing now that the only way it could be 'meant to be' is if I find enough value in it to do something. This may sound so simple to many people, but for some reason it was what I needed to hear. My faith in the outcome keeps me from going crazy. There are so many things in this process that scare me and learning to deal with that fear in a way that doesn't stop me from going forward has been one of the things I'm most proud of.
I worry, I come from a long line of worriers. So controlling fear and worry is a very big task!

Almost forgot!!

2006-11-16T23:29:00.000-06:00

We got our FINGERPRINTS for the I-600A done TODAY!

Now that I can say for sure.

I've been MIA...

2006-11-16T23:21:00.000-06:00

I cannot say anything right now, sorry to be so cagey, but we're in the midst of an upheaval of sorts and it has been well.... Very stressful. I got news this evening that may make most of that stress go away. So keep fingers crossed or pray, whatever it is you do for luck!!

Hopefully there's a good posting in my future....

Mmmmm... Cake

2006-11-09T09:52:00.000-06:00

WE had Cake for breakfast!!! How about you?
I managed to get him to let me stay in bed until 8am! I thought for sure he'd wake up at 6am all raring to go.
He had so much fun making the cake, it was worth every penny. But FYI, the cake still tastes pretty bad. K- wouldn't even choke down a second 'slice', wimp. A- loved it of course.
Here are a couple pics...

Soooo Serious!

MMMMMM...Chocolate!

What's up with all of the PINK???

2006-11-08T23:13:00.000-06:00

Everything is pink these days, and everything is geared towards girls it seems. What ever happened to having a boy be the main character in a cartoon/movie/tv show? All of the Disney movies with boys in them have been put in their (imaginary) vault. So my son loves Cinderella, and KimPossible. They only play TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) like once a week. I used to love that cartoon!
Anyway, back to pink. We got the Target toy thing in the mail and A- was ape over it. Started circling things, the whole bit. He loves space stuff and roller coasters, he also wants an Easy Bake Oven. He loves to cook, we cook all of the time and he's a great helper. I'll admit at first I took pause at the EBO. But it's an oven, and everyone should cook. When I was a kid they were like puke green and brown. (and did you know they no longer cook with a light bulb?) The new ones are now PINK and PINK. I absolutely HATED pink when I was a kid, in fact I only started liking pink about 2 years ago. (wonder if turning 30 had something to do with it?) So I would've hated these new ovens simply for the color. Yeah, they do sell a slimy bake, or messy bake or some sort of gross version for boys, but it's not the same, at least it doesn't look like it. It looks like those gross candy making things where you make eyes and spiders that are disgusting as opposed to tasty. So they assume all girls love pink, and boys only eat things that are absolutely disgusting.
To get even deeper into it: Has anyone ever told these people that by making the easy bake oven appeal only to girls by smothering it in pink they are being sexist? I sort of, no I do, resent that they are saying only women cook to eat, men cook to play. So are they saying in some subliminal way to our daughters that they should cook because it's their duty, but "hey girls look it's fun!"? And has anyone watched those cooking shows lately? Most top chefs are MEN, which is another topic. We're not as evolved as we think.... ;-)

I'm not really all that bent out of shape about it, but I am sick and tired of the toy aisle vomiting pink at me! YUK.
And yes we're adopting a girl, and yes I am preparing myself for the pink invasion. :-O

So here are some incredibly cute pictures of A- with his new Easy Bake oven! He's is going to cook me breakfast tomorrow. Mmmmm, yellow cake with chocolate frosting!

The EBO

2006-11-08T23:04:00.000-06:00

I-600A go-go!

2006-11-06T14:43:00.000-06:00

Well, We went and dropped off our I-600A! (AFTER we did we were informed that we could have had 2 agencies listed on it with no extra charge, UGH!)
But We did IT!! We dropped it off in person and then we got our appointment for our fingerprints! In 10 days we will have the I-600A FINISHED!!! WOO-HOOO!!!
Now onto the Dossier....
First, I will revel in the fact that we are past one more hurdle!!

WOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I think I'm getting the hang of this blogging thing

2006-11-04T13:08:00.000-06:00

Hi.
Well I'm not a on a soap box today. I got it out of my system, even though it kept me up at night. (thinking of adoption process) Venting is good. It definitely helps. I was reading a past entry about the scarred baby bellies and I should've added a link to it, I have no idea what it was called anymore. But it made me realize that I don't feel that way anymore, about the alienation of women I mean. I have since found wonderful resources in the online groups at Yahoo and Adoption forums, so obviously the "pity" came from the company I kept, not most women. I just wanted to add that, I think it's important to see how my views change as I go through this long process.

On that note here's a synopsis of our process:

July 2004 we decided to think about trying for baby #2.
August 2004 at an appointment I made as a check-up to talk to my Dr. about trying to conceive after having difficulty with my 1st pregnancy, a benign tumor (the size of a small grapefruit) was discovered on my left ovary. And I wondered why I looked 3 months pregnant all of the time!?
September 2004 I had my Oophorectomy. (a funny name, you'd think it'd be ovarectomy or something)
February 2005 we started trying for baby #2.
April 2006 we started adoption.
We finished our Homestudy the 3rd week of September.
We received our Homestudy in the mail this Thursday (11/2)!
We will hand deliver our I-600A to the USCIS on Monday!

That's it in a nutshell...

I warned you (I'm not happy-go-lucky)

2006-11-03T23:05:00.000-06:00

I know that my style may not be what some may expect from someone on this journey of adoption. I may sound silly, or angry, or ungrateful. (I am silly) I am not angry about adopting, I'm not ungrateful for the experience. It's only made me stronger and more empathetic. Occasionally it may make me crazy.
There's a little soul out there somewhere that's ready to put out those little red threads to draw us near, to protect and love her. I know that with every fiber of my being.
My wish is that all of these little souls around the world would be held, loved, and protected in the best possible way. My personal opinion is that the process of adopting these souls should be constantly tweaked, and updated as anyone would do for the most precious things on earth. This is why I get so worked up over things. I am sure that further down the road there will be things I find out that will make the confusion I'm gong thru now make sense. But I don't want to censor my feelings now, because I know I felt better reading the bits a pieces of others' thoughts who were once where I am now. Somehow I didn't feel so lost knowing that someone else had once been lost here too, and they made their way through it all. In fact a few of the bloggers are in VN now with their babies/toddlers!! And others have received the go ahead for travel at the end of this month!! And still others have received their referrals!! It has been a wonderful week, despite how it may sound.

For the love of Pre-School

2006-11-03T14:13:00.000-06:00

Ahhhhhh.......
Friday, 2 1/2 hours of a quiet house, a cup of coffee and blogging. WHeeeeeeee!!!!!
I've been wondering if I am the only one who's ventured into adoption and found it so frustrating and archaic. Here's my theory, in case you wanted to hear it. I think the adoption is very similar to being pregnant. There's this thing - a need to have a kid, then there's 2 general options pregnancy or adoption usually. With pregnancy this alien literally takes over your body, everything. There's not much you can do about it, so most women make the best of it and say things like "oh, it's been rough but it'll all be worth it when I see our baby" and of course it is, it always is. But in pregnancy you really have no choice in the matter so it IS best to make the best of it. Then there's labor and delivery, things that you'd think would be burned into every woman's mind moment by moment. Well, after the baby is born there's a huge endorphin rush, which is basically nature's memory eraser. Quite convenient for mother nature I must say, otherwise a woman would tell other women the blow by blow of the pregnancy and birth and no one in their right mind would ever get pregnant again! (I think mother nature didn't give me the right dosage of endorphins after A's birth, cause I was scarred let me tell ya)
Now on to option #2 which we're in the midst of now. Adoption, it's similar in that there's the need for a child, you have little control and you're consumed. Only this consumption is one of the mind, not the body. And the control is not in mother natures hands, it's in the hands of people, people that you have never met, people who are being paid, people who don't always have your best interests in mind, but people who you've hopefully researched the heck out of and one's you're willing to try to trust. So, you'd think there would be just a ton of info out there on all of these people who do adoptions, right? Tons! There's no pregnancy involved so we're in our 'right' minds, our hormones aren't out of whack, we're getting a baby without all of the 'icky' pregnancy stuff getting in the way of our reasoning. WRONG. My theory is that parents, myself included, are so incredibly scared that anything they do or say will either mess with their adoption process, adding bumps and time, or even worse that they'll be sued or worse lose out on a referral because of it. So I believe many wait, wait until it's 'safe' to tell. But by then they've brought their baby home, and there go those endorphins, and what could possibly be awful about an experience that brought you this beautiful child?
So I am going to 'out' the adoption world as I see it, because I want other's to know that it's painful, it's awful at times, often like pregnancy. BUT there's a BIG difference, WE all can DO something about the way parents are treated. Hold agencies accountable for what they tell us when we sign on. Expect excellent customer service! We are paying for it! The more complacent parents are, the more complacent the agencies will be and they won't drop prices for the difference. I cannot say this enough, kids need parents that are NOT emotionally and financially in shambles! And adoption should not be limited to upper middle class or the rich. Adoptions subsidies shouldn't be limited to waiting children, special needs children, or families making under 35 thousand a year.
I don't think I'm the only one that thinks a system that operates so slowly, so invasively, and so callously isn't good for families. I don't know why it's so expensive. Why does it cost $500 to apply? Why did my homestudy cost $3000? WE did ALL of the work!!!!!!! We wrote the damn thing, all she did was take excerpts out of it and slap her official signature on it (I'm willing to bet that's how the reports we send back to VN will go too). Oh and she asked us the same exact questions from the self-study for 4 hours. Why does a 16 hour class on 2 topics last 16 hours? And why does it cost $1500?
Don't even get me started again on the celebrity adoption thing. Ugh. I can't believe that Madonna is nuts enough to actually believe that the reason people are upset is because Daniel is black!! OMG!! NO!! I'm mad because she got preferential treatment and she won't ADMIT to it!!!!!! Give me one average, middle income family who frickin' picked out their child for themselves from a video or photos and then got to bring him/her home within weeks, and I'll shoot flying monkeys out of my butt. Do some research Madge, Angelina, Meg, Sharon. Then get back to me.

Gotta go get the munch-man...
Peace

Monday Night Football

2006-10-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

Don't care much about it. I think I had about 2 years where I got into football, and it's over. It probably has something to do with living in MN and having to root for the Vikings, who nearly always choke by the way.
Anyway, no adoption news, but why would there be? I have finally gotten off my crazy reasearch jag. I have now picked my top four agencies. And if things don't pan out with our current agency by the time we are paper ready I am now equipped with back ups I am confident with. So that is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel like we are informed now and have a plan. I am not comfortable without a plan, and I'm really not comfortable flying blind. I'm surprised honestly that we are as far into this as we are. I usually research first, and a lot. But in this instance I knew VN had just reopened and I wanted to hurry up and get on a list, any list, to adopt. Of course it also had something to do with having passed the one year mark of trying to have a baby and doing way more than I ever wanted with fertility stuff. I needed a Light at the end of the tunnel. And I felt I had that with adoption, it may take long, but there was an end in sight. Whereas, there really was no light at the end of the fertility tunnel, just the need and hope for one.
I am discovering now that we may have a light at the end of our adoption tunnel, but it seems as though we take one step toward it and it moves three steps further away.
I do want to thank everyone in the online adoption community for being so amazing. Without that resource and support I think we would have been much more frustrated and may have given up. I have found so many people and stories inspiring. Being able to ask questions without feeling stupid or judged has been so helpful, and I am forever grateful to those who answered my questions and reached out to me. I hope someday I can help another PAP navigate this frustrating crazy wonderful world of adoption.

Pass it on...

Bleary eyed

2006-10-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

That's how I look and feel these days.
Too much time in front of the computer screen. I hid my mulit-media degree away in a closet somewhere because of computers and how brain dead I get sitting in front of one, and now I'm doing this willingly?? Well now you know it's bad when the computer is my new best friend. Up until now it's always been a sort of love hate relationship we've had. I tell ya, one of the funnest things I ever did was take a hammer to our old PC on a beautiful summer day in the back yard, the day after we bought our new shiny white Mac. It must run in the family because about a year later my dad did the same thing in his garage after a virus got his PC. Hey don't look at me! I didn't tell him to do it.
Can I go get acupuncture everyday? Well I probably could I just couldn't afford it. I wish I could. I sleep there, they play nice asian music softly as I lay there with between 14 and 20 needles in random (to me) spots and a nice heat lamp aimed right at my belly button. Why am I going, you may ask? Well, it's for 'female' issues. I term it fertility issues, as I have unexplained infertility, which really to me means my body is way out of whack. So the getting pregnant part is not nearly as important as the feeling better part. I can explain half of why I can't concieve, I ony have one ovary, ha-ha! Half of it, get it? Lame. It's late, I can hardly type straight.
I have no real point to this entry, if you can't tell. I've been reading blogs all night, and thought that I should post and this time make it a random one, life doesn't always have to be so bogged down with our desires. (my current one being adoption)
So tonight I will pray for patience and wisdom. And the key to following my heart.

night...

So it's Friday.

2006-10-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

I'm still learning...
I've been glued to the computer, reading blogs and web groups, anything I can find. I even emailed the consulate in Hanoi. All in my quest for information. I know I don't HAVE to be this anal, but since I wasn't at all when we signed with our agency I am making up for that now. They came so highly recommended, I thought I had done due diligence by checking out other families. Now I know, in this case those families could have been talking about another place entirely, as there was no way they could recommend a new program. But I didn't realize the difference between program and agency. Silly me, I believed the schpiel about it's all about the children, and we're non profit, we just want the families to be happy. I mean I didn't fall for it 100 percent, and I'm sure they are about the kids and families up to a point, but all I had to do was look around at the office and see there clearly was profit being made. I fell enough to believe that they were going to have my back so to speak, I now don't feel they truly do. And this is not just my agency, it's any agency, I feel. They are in the business of adopting, not of taking care of customers. The general feeling I get from agencies in general is that the end result is what matters, not the in between. I really thought they'd have standards regarding customer service! As we're spending our entire life savings on adoption, I figured agencies would at least owe us that. But I suppose most APs don't go back to the agency that delivered them their child and say 'you did a bad job'. It does seem trival when we're talking about children and I think that's what gets them off the hook, we're too worried about being polite or seeming ungrateful. I think more APs should let agencies know when they're less than satisfied. Otherwise what incentive do they have to improve? I swear it's easier to find a good waxer or a good car mechanic than a good agency, and you know why I think that is? Because there's little regulation, and there is rarely such a thing as free speech in the adoption world.(I wish there was an Angie's list for adoption) Here I thought 'no news was good news', when in truth it's often the opposite. I have to say that I can get pretty livid about the whole thing, especially when I hear about celebrities adopting and they spew all this wonderful well-meaning stuff about for the kids and helping kids, great, that is truly awesome, it is. But those kids who will be adopted, they need parents that aren't run through the ringer. Those kids need someone to advocate for their parents too! Not that I'm saying this isn't worth it, I know it will be. I just don't think that it has to be this secretive, unorganized, and difficult. Not to mention I have yet to figure out why exactly it is so insanely expensive (for "non- Profit").
See I said I get on a soap box again. ; )

I'm still not sure if we are for sure going to change agencies. I am about 80 percent there. It would make things 'easier', and 'cheaper' to stay, but I'm up for difficult and more $. If we do stay, I plan to become everything I am not now, I am going to ask questions and want real answers, I'm going to be calling, emailing, everything to let them know I'm not just in it for the ride. I am going to be OUR biggest advocate and I'm not going to care if I 'bug' them or not, which I'm sure at some point I will. (things I'd do now anywhere we adopted from)

Well, the four year old calls.....

The long winding road

2006-10-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

So we finally got our rough draft, it looks great. One problem though. (always is, isn't there) I have now amassed so much new information I have totally confused the heck out of myself. I'm just not sure that we should stay with the same agency for our adoption. They told us a lot of false statements when we first signed up. They covered their butts by saying, of course things could change. But things changed drastically. And the wait went from 1-4 month for referral to 9+ months, and then add the additional time to travel and it could be a year from NOW when we bring her home! And when we'd started in April we thought a year from then, TOPS. I think they are trying as hard a they can to speed things up. I just think that the people running the program are a little inexperienced, and this situation calls for experience. Of course I'm just going by how things feel to me and the little information I have been able to glean from them and online.
The other agency I had originally hoped to go through has run into some major road blocks as well. Though I think that the people running their program are a little more prepared. Again just a guess.
So my problem is do we wait, most likely a year, 7+ months more than we'd hoped, and stay where we are? Or do we go with another agency? There are so many rumors flying around about these agencies with little way of checking for facts, so you have to basically choose the best of the worst. And then pray you've done the right thing. Or stick with an agency that has no rumor attached, partly because they have only brought home 2 families, and then wait 3 times longer than any other agency. In all honesty I would most likely wait the extra time if this were our first child. It's not. And as it is with all of the fertility things we've tried and wasted time with, our children are going to be far apart. As an only child myself, I really feel driven to have them be as close in age as I can get them, without adopting a toddler. (we're open to up to 18 months) I had thought that I had a perfect albeit totally random way of picking an agency, K's family lives in VN, in Nha Trang, so I was going to pick an agency that works in provinces near his family, that way they could go visit her or give us info about the area and the orphanage, and when we went to get her we would be near them so we could visit, beforehand. And as luck would have it there is only one agency operating anywhere near there, in the province next door! But, it's the agency that has had the only negative rumor that has more than one person to verify it, and that I believe. Of course! There goes that idea.
UGH!
We have to make the final decision this week. That's my personal deadline. Till then I am going to be researching the HECK out of agencies, then I'll flip a coin. (kidding, I hope)

It's been a while, huh?

2006-10-04T13:57:00.000-05:00

Hi again.
I got discouraged, and flaked out on the whole blog thing. Then I got really determined and busy researching, now I'm baaackk!
So, first things first we had our 2 day adoptive parents class, which were Waaayy too long. And so emotionally draining that we felt as though we'd endured some kind of battle. We would regard each other as battle buddies for a few weeks after. Man. It was redundant to say the least. And they didn't talk about the things you'd think they'd talk about and beat to death the things they did. But we did learn some good and valuable things, about interracial adoption, which will affect us less than most parents there, but will no doubt affect us. We are glad they had the classes, we just wish they'd have condensed the racial issues a bit, and had more variety of issues.
And we FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY! Woo-Hoo!
I think we lucked out in the social worker area, she was so great! Our son (A-) just loved her, he kept calling her "social worker" though. I think it's because it was a bigger word and he felt grown up. He was so funny, taking her on a tour of our house, explaining things. Things she didn't need to know, like "We just put the stair railing back up this morning! We had to take it off when we moved here (3 years ago) to get the washer downstairs." That caused her to chuckle a little bit. I think K- and I were more nervous for the second interview at our home than the one where we met at the office. I just babbled on and on, I wonder if I even answered any of her questions!! I think she just thought we were plain goofy. Luckily she has a sense of humor. Well, I guess I won't know for sure until we see her rough draft of the home-study. ;-)
So currently we are staring at our next HUGE bill from the agency wondering how we're going to do this. I put K- on the financial, and I'm trying to figure out some fundraising. I've been on OnlineGroups nearly everyday getting the scoop on the whole Viet Nam and adoption thing. I had no idea how mind boggling and involved it all is even though you have such little control. I'm sure at some point I'll get on another soapbox, but today is just an update. Lucky you! Haha! ;-)

Oh, and I changed the name of the blog, to waiting for Laurna Lynh, since short of a miracle I don't see us bringing her home in January (wow, I had such hi-hopes). And we've chosen the name Laurna, after my grandma Lorna, and the Vietnamese name Lynh. We had always planned that if we had a son his middle name would be Edward after my grandpa, if we had a girl her name would have a Vietnamese middle name. A- would've been Stella Mai, had he been a girl.
So even though we're adopting from VN, we can still stick to our plans!
Also, I have been shopping. Still clearance shopping, and it's been curbed considerably, but she has quite a collection. My mom has been helping with it too. I swear she's more excited about this than anyone!!
I will try to post some pictures and I hope to start developing a webring, is that what it's called? Anyway, a links of interest area for people to read other blogs and get info on Viet Nam.

Take care!!

It's been depressing

2006-07-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

All of this waiting, has been getting to me. On top of it they are now saying the referral will take 4 times as long as they had first thought. I'm trying hard not to think of that now. I just keep going day to day. I read a blog where women post about their post baby bodies, their battle scarred bodies. It was relieving in a way because I have one of those battle scarred bellies, from my son. I'm still not used to it. Of course I wouldn't change it for the world because it brought him into this world. The sight of these baby bellies made me incredibly sad too. Because I'll never have that again. And even tho I have come to terms with it, I'll never ever fully extinguish the yearning for it. And that's something I can never admit out loud because women pity you for it. It's so sad that when I need the understanding of a woman more than any other time, I cannot share it because it's something most women can't understand, unless they've gone thru it. If they haven't I just end up feeling pitied. I need comfort not pity.
And this blog, this anonymous blog. It helps, somewhat, if I don't care that no one reads it. Why does it help to pretend you're telling someone your problems? Well it's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I'm kind of alone in this process. And everyone else who has an adoption blog or site seems so happy go lucky to me, so even there I feel somewhat alone too. My mom has been helpful, she's listened to my bitching, and she's not made me feel pitied. I have run into women to whom this in ability to conceive/adoption thing is foreign, those who'd sneeze and get pregnant. And so their reaction I think comes out as guilt and superiority all at once, which ends up as pity. I've tried not to let it get to me, this happened when we were having problems conceiving before too, all the "well meaning" pep talks and pity filled glances.
We have our adoption classes this week. Classes to adopt, how ironic. Never took a class to conceive, maybe I should've. Never had to explain wanting to be pregnant either.
next topic...
My car died, well almost, it was on it's way out. So we bought a new-to-us car. Got a good deal, and we love it so that's great. The timing sort of sucks, now on top of all the $ for adoption we now have a car payment. It was either a car payment or shell out more and more $ to keep my car running. And I'll admit, hearing that the adoption was going to take 4x longer was a big part of just saying F* it lets get a car. Baby, car- Baby, car, not at all the same. I'd rather have the baby, but I'll take the car, for now. (besides we can't be toting two beautiful kids in some beater, can we?)
We've decided on a name for her, it's a secret, for now (no stealing!). And she's amassing quite a wardrobe. Love clearance shopping! I'm still trying to limit myself, but I find it hard to pass up some of the cute summer dresses. I am pretty happy with the normal color to pink colored clothes ratio I have going on. I will not dress her in all pink all the time, I'd go nuts! I need my black in there somewhere!

Well if someone read this, thanks for 'listening'

TTFN.....

2006-05-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

My son and I went and dropped off the paperwork! I forgot to drop off the all important check, ooops! So, I mailed it. I think that while we are waiting for the home study I am going to start gathering paperwork I assume we'll need for the government. For instance I need a passport, so I'll get that. And while I'm at it I'll get more official copies of birth certificates and such. Hopefully that'll help speed things along.
After we did that we went to Target and browsed the clearance racks and we found the cutest little dress for our little girl! So we bought it! It took me a long time to commit to buying it, it was a very strange feeling, to say the least.

It's admitting in a way that I have this empty space in my heart waiting to be filled by this little person who may not even exist yet. It feels good to admit that. It's finally allowing myself to feel something, since I've been doing everything I can for the last however many years to deny it, or put off feeling hopeful. It's been my self preservation hard at work. The whole process of infertility seems so endless, so every month I tried (in vain) to pretend that I was going with the flow and not stressing. I'd be trying to fool myself into believing that it was this month, or this month, or this.... it never was. Each month I felt like the ability to hope, or be hopeful, was being smothered. That's why I had to stop. I need to be hopeful, I need to be optomistic, that's the kind of person I've always been and this tourture was killing that. I find now that I have to relearn in some ways how to be hopeful. Relearn how to be optomistic. I'm still stressed, just in another way. And it does remind me very much of being pregnant. The feeling of this all important task being essentially out of your hands, and yet you're so involved in it. I think I am going thru some sort of hormone thing too, whether it's because of the after effects of medication, I do not know. It's there though.
A side note, since this whole adoption thing is new to us, and our families I'm finding that there are misconceptions about adoptive parents I've never thought about. One thing I think we are running into now is the money issue. We feel the need to justify our adoption to others. Like we need to explain away a purchase of a boat or vacation or convertable car in Minnesota. As if people think the adoption is a frivolous choice and if we 'have the money' to adopt, or we 'choose' to adopt then why are we asking for help? We have a son, can't we just be happy? We find ourselves going thru the entire thought process and medical reasoning behind our need to adopt. Notice I say NEED not CHOICE. Because it is a need, for our family to feel complete we need to adopt. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever invision having an only child. I have however thought often about adoption, even as a teenager I did. I didn't realize that I'd feel the need to justify doing what we feel is right for our family! Or explain it. I NEVER had to explain why I wanted to get pregnant!! In fact I probably had to explain more why I didn't get pregnant SOONER! So to those that love us, or those who know someone who is adopting or thinking of it, please don't question why. Just remember that they have the ability and need to love, and love is not descriminating, do you need to know anymore than that?

Bored at work

2006-05-17T16:12:00.000-05:00

Who isn't? I have only 25 minutes left before I am free! And finally for once in the last 2 weeks the weather is going to be great when I get home! Windy, but sunny! I have been typing all day long, part of my job is to type up student news. And I'm not the worlds best typer, but I do okay. I get it done.
We still have not finished the initial paperwork. We have to go to the library and sign papers in front of a notary. Libraries have those right? Then we are done. And we drop it off and wait. It bugs that we couldn't have been put on some waiting list while we were doing this paperwork, now we've been busting our butts doing this and once it's in we just pick our noses and wait until the next huge pile of paper they hand us. And we'll bust our butts again trying to get that done, when if they'd let us get started on some of the paperwork now we could make use of this waiting time. So ARCHAIC! And why don't they make any use of computers and the internet? Vietnam has internet, they have email, they have fax machines; really they do!

4:30
Well time to go, I am FREE!!!

Who knew one little piece of paper.....

2006-05-09T14:27:00.000-05:00

Could make me so nervous anxious and bored?
I had forgotten to make my appointment to get my Dr. to fill out this little yellow piece of paper saying I am in good health. So last week I made the appointment and today was the day. I've been stressing all week about it because there's this question, "has patient ever been treated or diagnosed for mental illness, depression etc.?". Well, that is a very broad general statement to me. I mean to go from depression to mental illness is quite a jump, and not a good one. I say that because while I was going thru all the infertility, the long weeks and months of waiting I did worry I was getting depressed and I spoke to my Dr. about it and she prescribed Prozac. (the wonder drug?) Anyway, I never took it, still have the bottle in my cupboard somewhere. And I have dealt with depression in my early 20's but it's not something I feel should permanently stigmatize me for life. I worried that the Dr. would somehow see me being proactive as some sort of admission or diagnosis of a mental illness. That whole mental illness label is so broad and misleading. Too broad. It's a double edged sword too, on the one hand you feel vindicated when after months of not feeling 'right' you have this free pass of an official mental illness, "see I told you something's wrong! THEY say so!" but when it comes to the outside world, getting a job or in my case adopting, it's this huge weight, this albatross you want to explain. You feel attacked, you feel defensive "hey I'm not ill, I'm normal, I'm just aware of my mental health and I ask for help when I need it! That makes me more sane and clearheaded than most of you!". Do I think depression is dangerous? Yes, it can be. But 95% or more people who have called themselves depressed are not "mentally ill", they are in need of help in the form of counseling and the support of family and friends. For most that's all they need. Besides, what mom or parent for that matter doesn't get depressed at the thought of carpools, seeing your next r-rated film in a theater in 10 years, or having romance take place after 9 pm?

Back to the Dr.'s office, I waited and waited, 35 minutes in a paper gown to be exact. Then I got dressed and was almost out the door when the Dr. came in. I only had time to speak with her about the paperwork (Gee, bummer guess I'll reschedule that annual for uh, next year) she was very nice about it. And thank God she was on the same page as me and feels most people she sees that are depressed are not mentally ill. Meaning it will not affect their ability to be parents.
My gripe is that the adoption agency makes me feel like I am being attacked, and they do not adequately explain their needs. I suppose they do that so we'll vomit out all this potentially incriminating stuff. I wonder how many good parents are ruled out by this? Or maybe it's just not a big deal at all and I'm just hyper sensitive to anything that could potentially leave me without the possibility of a daughter.
It's probably a little of both.

I hope this counts as work. ;-) Since I'm at work. But it's a paper and this is news-media isn't it?

By the way I named my blog 'January hopes' because I hope that by January we will be bringing our daughter home.

Beginning my story

2006-05-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

HI,
thanks for checking this new blog out. I'm at a total loss as to how to do this, but I figure it's like a journal right? I tend to write in a very conversational form, always have. I have kept a journal since I was in 5th grade when my parents separated. I guess huge life dilemmas are my writing triggers. And here we go again............

I'm beginning.
Odd sentence, but that sums things up. I am beginning, beginning a new job, beginning a loooong trek thru the trials and tribulations, not to mention the insults, and stress of adoption. We (Dh, Ds and I) hope to adopt from a newly re-opened program in Vietnam. The thing is, I am a very private person and the initial paperwork has asked for more info than I was prepared for. I mean, we've got to get finger-printed!! I know that this is all a precaution, no one wants some crazed criminal adopting children, but it still feels so icky. I want a child more than anything so of course I am going to go thru all of this. I just can't help but feel like it's so not fair. It's not fair that I am unable to give my family another biological child, and it's not fair that so many irresponsible women get pregnant and either give up, abort or abuse their kids. That being said I know that kids are life changing and I know that they have a way of making the worst person change their ways. But some don't. Plus, what is it with those women that just say the word pregnant and they're insanity knocked up? What is it? Who needs 16 kids?! And these days who would even have a farm that big? Anyway, I feel like going thru some of this is not only insulting but punishing someone who's been thru a lot already. I don't mind proving I'm healthy, I don't mind them looking to see if I have any police record, which I don't. I do mind them asking for more than my physical records, and wanting permission to interview a counselor from 10 years ago, or making it seem as tho needing help thru a time of stress and receiving it from a therapist or doctor or even thru medicine is somehow wrong. Like there's a stigma attached to asking for help. It's archaic.
The whole concept of adopting is scary. You have to have faith that this child that someone else picks for you will be the right fit for your family without ever having any interaction at all. Hey, we can't all be Angelina Jolie, she can basically walk into any orphanage and pick which one she wants, we don't have the money to be so selective. In fact I can't find any info on how exactly the average person would go about adopting in such a way.
And adoption is expensive! I really have no idea how we are going to do this without nearly bankrupting our family. That's not the way you imagine bringing a new member into the family. So I'm planning a garage sale to help with current debt. At least I can try to whittle that down. I got a new job 3 days a week. My son's not too keen on the idea of mommy being gone now. But at least he's got daddy time. He loves his daddy time, doing yard work and riding his big wheel.
I've been scouring the net for books on different types of families, so I can begin explaining how it's so cool that we will have a unique family to our son. And to explain how he is biological and his (sister) will be adopted and that that is just as special as having a bio-baby. So far I haven't had much luck. Maybe I'll write my own book.

I think that this is probably a good start, besides this laptop is giving me a headache.

Thanks for reading.